it is PRESENT that counts.

If Only

If only there were more time, some say,
     heading a long list of regrets.
If only there could be more healing,
     more rectification,
     more love.
As if what could happen in the future or didn't happen in the past
     is more powerful than what is happening right now.

What can we do about the past?
Where is the past now?
And what about the future?
How can we do anything about that
     which doesn't yet exist?
If all you have is right now,
     why waste precious moments feeling regret?

If you've got something to say, say it now!
If you want more rectification, rectify now!
Of you want more love, love now!

Carol Orsbon

.....and after all

it always goes like this:

you are busy with projects and loads of work
i can handle it

you are unintentionally ignoring some of my drama
i can understand it

you pretend like we never are close
i can totally accept it
i know your reason and i appreciate it

you act like there is nothing between us
i can bear with it

you talk to me like we are just friends
i do not mind

you say you miss me and are afraid to lose me
but in the end it is always me whom you ignore
in the end i chase after you for nothing in return
i do try to understand it

i am not part of any of your life story
you don't tell your problems
just because you think you would cause me burden
i totally understand it

but........ after all
after you have been ignoring me saying "i miss you"
saying "i wanna hug you"
saying "i love you"
and still you can say such thing echoes in my mind
even it was just some kind of joke
my heart was cut open wider
and how sorry you were doesn't mean anything right now

i just want to be happy
i just want you to be like you used to
i just want to be loved
i just want to be given affection
i just want you to care for me just a little while, a little bit
i just want you to stop hurting me...........

poem.

it's the unpredictable you that charms me so much, probably
who knows someone so out of reach can be so close?
who knows someone so authentically different can have so much in common?
someone so far away, so upside down from what my world is
someone i never expect i could be with
someone i have been adoring so much along these times
now is holding my hand, hugging me tight, knowing me so well
more than anybody else

i am amazed, i am taken back
by all of your sensitivity and your way of making me feel complete
i am thankful in between thorns
i can't differ the pain and the love
i guess both are inseparable
i think both are bounded to each other
i can feel you

but i'm scared to let things go
if you complete me so much why can't you banish all my insecurities?
why can't you make me feel like i own everything when i'm with you?

or is it me who never try to choose my own path while i keep on hurting everybody else?
i just want to be happy
can i not hurt other people?

sing night.

the sky sings the lullaby
dosgs are sleeping, cats are sleeping
glimpse of night lights into the chamber
even the wind falls asleep

the night is still and sound
a perfect mate for the silent little eyes
stars and moon take over
a melody of nightingale takes me away, locked in the dream~

the color of ash cloud the sky
little blink of small bright dot peeks from behind the gloomy cloud
the air sings serenade as i fall asleep

parting goodbye isn't my favorite thing at the end of our day
as i laid my head upon your neck you whispered "good night" and i smiled........

you're still my favorite precious treasure
simply unforgettable yet tangling the existence of mamihlapinatapais between us
it gets harder to not holding you tighter~

he is a boy and i am a girl.

you like the loud and shattering songs
rocking your style
hit and go

i like sweet mellow melody
absorbing every moment
sit and stare

you always say i disturb you so much with the question WHY
i say you never listen to what i say and i keep asking WHY

you say i'm cute with how funny i look when i react to something
you say i'm cute when i act stupid because of something i don't get
i say you're cute with the way you act so sweet
i say you're cute when you say sweet things to me

you hold me close
i whisper "don't go"

you hug me tight
i hug you even closer

you hold my hand
i look into your eyes and smile

you look at me and can't resist to smile
i look at you and i laugh instantly
then we laugh together

isn't it sweet?
isn't it lovely?

we enjoy our moments together

even though sometimes you ignore me
even sometimes you turn your back on me
and i sometimes stand still to stare at you, how could you often do the silence treatment on me
and i sometimes chase after you just to hug you close
no matter how you push me away
or how you walk away

i love you

that's one thing for sure

but then i ask myself, for what does it take i would stay?
for what sake would i stand still?

i constantly remind myself, who am i to ask you for more
and you once said, you wouldn't have any right to give me more
i constantly forget how incapable i am to demand for something
and you once said, you are out of the league partially
i constantly resist myself for showing too much
and you once said, you merely nobody to do the same
i constantly prevent myself from holding you too close, or to think bad stuffs about you, and any other stupid silly probabilities
and you once said, you said it already
and you once said, you don't like drama

but what can i do when i want 100% from you
when i give 110% out of me for you

but then i remember i once said: i will never leave you

and that time i was so sure, yet still I AM...................


i want everything of you
and willingly am giving everything of i am
no pretending
no lies
no concealing
no hiding
no more

but i am afraid
so much
too much


♪ Maroon 5 - Never Gonna Leave This Bed

would you think of me?
February 23, 2008 ·

Will I be worthy enough for you?
Will I be able to light your darkest part shines so brightly?
Will I be the one whom you look for when you’re lost?
Will I be the only person whom you think of every night just before you sleep?
Will you hold me close and tight when I’m about to say goodbye?
Will you keep me in your heart if I’m about to go?
Will you stop me from leaving you behind?
Will you pull me close when I start walking away?
Will you stand beside me and look me in the eyes?
Will you be able to stop me when I’m running from you?
Will you catch me when I fall?
Will you run after me when I run away?
Will I be the one who make you believe that love brings happiness?
Will I be the one who give love to you?
Will you make me stay forever by your side?
Or will you let me off?
Just like nothing happened between us?
Just like we were not meant to be?
Just like strangers?
I think about what you may think about me
I do
everything I want you do to me
But I guess it’s never been enough
I am
still alone
Alone by myself
So tell me what’s the difference between
unwanted and abandoned?
What’s the difference between being alone and
unwanted?
I guess there’s no difference being me and us
Coz to me, they do
the same
With or without you
I feel empty, unwanted, alone…
Want me
like you want me to want you
Stop me when I’m about leaving you
Run after
me when I’m trying to escape from your love
And hold me close when I say
goodbye…
That’s all that I want…
No less or more

furball and heidi

I enjoy every second with you

For a week I learn so many lessons from two little puppies whom changed my life

I have a reason to wake up early in the morning just to make sure they're okay
I have reason to believe that I am loved and trusted by them and that's wonderful
I have learned that patient and commitment is trully important in a relationship
I have seen that God is good by trusting them to me though it's just for a while
I am glad that I am able to give and shower them so much love and warm hugs in the middle of the nights

I have experienced something so small can affect big things

I have learned that I have so much love to share
I know that a full week, full 24 hours every single day togetherness can build love that's as high as the sky, deeper than any ocean, and bigger than any mountain
And it's hurting to be apart
It's breaking my heart
But I hope they'll be fine
God will hold them in His arms until forever
God will keep them safe and sound with or without me
And God will surely keep eyes on them because I asked for it and God is never failing me once!
Thy will be done, dear God
Hold them, love them forever

christian wunderlich why goodbye mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

the ugly duckling

Dear dad,

I may not be a stunning beautiful swan who has her wings spread just yet
But I am trying to be one

I may have not made you proud just yet
But I promise you one thing for sure that I will make you proud sooner or later

I may not doing things as you wish for
Since I have my own methods in doing something
But I know what I am doing and I will make it work

I may not be a normal daughter like other proud parents have
I do things on my own
It's just a little bit slow and sometimes disconserted

I always try not muttering about how hard life is
Because I already know life is hard but we have to keep fighting

I always try not mumbling about how I have failed so many times in doing what I do
Because I know I have to try harder

It's not that I don't want to try hard
It's not that I don't want to make your life harder with me being here, useless

I want to be something
I want to be everything
I want to make you proud
I want to make you happy
And I do want to make things right for myself

But you never taught me how to
I completely lost sometimes and I need help

Can I get advice instead of things that makes me completely down?
Can I get help that will improve my baby steps til I full grown?

I never blame you for once in my life
I see you as my savior, my hero in any circumstances
Not because you are my dad, it's because you are a savior, you are a hero

If only I could have your faith just a little
And give me a little more time to do what I've been doing
And patiently wait for me to succeed and change everything
I would do anything to get that

Am I not making you proud just a little along these times?

Even so....
Just wait for me until I become the astonishing swan when I fully grown up
Soon....


With love,

The ugly duckling

1189

I spend hours just to make sure I look beautiful or at least I might catch your heart again
Yet you never once told me that I am beautiful, though you could just lie

I often insist I would want to come along with you while you are doing your business, just to get myself close to you
Yet you never once realized

I always hope you could show in front of my door and carry dozen of white roses like you used to, I do try to give a clue
But I always end up telling you what to do
Yet you never do it for me

I most of the time say things I never meant to say
Yet you never learned and believed every single thing I say

I often say I don't want to see you again just because I want you to beg me not to, simply because I want to feel needed
Yet you always think I do want to not seeing you ever again and you get mad

I often hurt myself and tell you how painful the scar is just because I want you to stop mad at me and start care about me
Yet you think how stupid I am and how ridiculous my act is

I often beg you to always hold my hand whenever we walk together
Yet most of the time you just walk in front of me and leave me behind

I always hope you could be the first person wishing me happy birthday at exact 12am
Yet you failed all the time and said it is not something important


I never hear sweet things I long to hear
I never feel how much improved you are in sensing my feeling
I never thought you can finally say that I only pretend to love you all these time
I never thought you can finally leave me alone
I never thought you can finally stop caring about me

Yet I still cry after you
I think about you
And I wish you could just show up and hug me

Tell me if this isn't love

scratches on time being.

the roads are getting smaller

it's like a tiny little something yet unreachable

everything's breaking into mess

sky is getting nearer and nearer and nearer

when i am surrounded by clouds that's when i know

i could no longer hold back

i could not regret what i have said, done, or decided

next thing i know when i hit the ground

safely and sound

i know i cannot turn my head back

when nothing makes me feel good,

when nothing goes smooth

when everything goes wrong

i walk

and i walk

again

i walk

no matter if i walk away 

or if i walk through another door

or even walk out

i will simply walk

humor me.

humor me
i began to dry fastly

im so used to solitude
i barely hung on someone or anybody
no it's just not me

maybe in solitude i find peace
maybe i find serenity

or maybe i just skip troubles and being peacefully isolated

yet everytime i try to isolate myself from what's surrounding me
i begin to drown in deeper

i drag myself along the play
and i am devastated
alone.

the crowd is the beginning,
the starting point
so why do i always end up alone?

i wonder why.

i guess it's the nature.
we born alone, we die alone.
in the midst the crowd is there

misery,
it's killing me

i don't bother for anyone who is wanting to comfort me
the silence is not calming me anymore

the fear is creeping towards me
set me free
please
set me free

wish 01

i don't want to shout at you
even though it might make you feel better

i don't want to preach you
even if it will make you feel less pain

i don't even want to tell you the reasons why
or what should you do or don't
i know im no good at it
so i let myself sit in silence

and listen

and i wish
somehow i can make you feel good

what i really want is that you can become someone i know
like you used to be...

falling in love, broken hearted, moving on, and being indifferent.

~falling in love

nobody knows when, where, who
love will never tell when it's going to come and fetch your heart
or perhaps take it away....

but who knows when in a second you turn your head
and you realise you have found someone
someone so perfect that you barely can take your eyes off of this beautiful creature

when you realise that God is too nice
by giving you chance to live and see the most concrete angel on earth

when the moment seems so right
when time almost stops ticking
when your heart throbs lunatically
when you feel like your body is so warm
and you feel like you want to shout to the world that you found someone

then you realise, this is love...

~broken hearted

then there is moment where suddenly you feel like your whole world is going collapse
when you feel like what you've been dreaming for so long is scattered into pieces in just one simple word,
over....

~ moving on

you suddenly feel like everything becomes so light and easy
things aren't stuck in your mind anymore
and you can breathe easily
and you realise what you have done in the past was just silly stupid things
and you feel like you are free as birds in the sky
no burden
no pain
no vain
no tears
and no reason to feel all of them...

~being indifferent

you don't want people to step in your so called "comfort zone"
yet you don't want to be left behind
you don't want to be alone
there is nothing to do
nothing to say
nothing to bear
nothing to suffer from
nothing to survive from
nothing...
just completely feel nothing.....


i feel so surreal......
everything seems so absurd...
seeing people in pain
in vain...
and there's nothing i can do to make things better or at least to make them feel better....
how i wish i could have a power..
or hope..
hope to keep them alive......
alive in their own pains, in their own sufferings..
how i love them that i don't want them to be like this
but i know im incapable to stop
i'll be good, and You can use me as your favourite tool to heal them....
use me and make them feel better....

i am scared.

i can't sleep
or i don't want to sleep?

no matter what i do
i keep coming back to the core
the core where i feel like destroying myself into pieces so i would probably not be going to feel anything

i begin to hate myself
for being so weak
for being so lost in my personal mistranslation mind

im scared the most when i barely know what is going on
when i feel like im blind though i can see clearly
when i feel like im not going get through anything but in fact i havent started anything yet

im scared i lost in this battle right before it starts

im scared for being alone in this moment
moment of truth
truth i don't want to be revealed

or shall i say im scared to know the truth?

but it does not make any sense when i think about what am i afraid of

my eyes become so tired
too tired to be opened
but too afraid to be closed

darkness and silence are perfect combination for another mistranslation
and im completely fragile right now that i wish some people would understand

i want to pray but my will is too weak

shortcut i don't think is the best way to solve everything

i guess i have to wait for thursday afternoon
hope the truth will cease of all pains and worries instead of creating a new vacuum of mind of mine

sweet childhood.

aku ingin rasanya kembali seperti dulu
saat dimana kepolosan jadi yang paling utama
dimana aku tidak mengerti apa arti sebuah tanggung jawab dan rasa bersalah
dimana aku belum tahu apa itu rasanya sakit yang terlalu sakit sampai rasanya kepala ini mau pecah

waktu kita kecil dimana kita bercanda, berkelahi, bermusuhan
diam-diaman
namun suatu hari kamu membawakanku sebuah, hanya sebuah permen
yang tidak ada harganya dibanding 100 tangkai bunga mawar atau ajakan makan malam di tempat mewah
namun kita bisa kembali bergandeng tangan dan bercengkerama seperti biasa
seperti tidak pernah terjadi apapun
begitu mahalnya arti sebuah kepolosan

yang hilang begitu saja waktu kita beranjak dewasa....

aku kangen ingin jadi seperti anak kecil saja
aku ingin tiap kali mengatasi masalah seperti itu bukanlah akhir dari segalanya
tanpa harus menimang keputusan yang harus kuambil
tanpa harus memikirkan akibat dari apa yang akan kulakukan

aku bosan rasanya terperangkap dalam situasi yang dewasa
dalam perkelahian dan argumentasi yang memakan waktu
kalau ujung-ujungnya hanya berbaikan lagi,
atau mungkin malah bersikap layaknya tidak pernah mengenal satu dan lainnya

tapi semua itu serasa indah waktu kita berbaikan, kan?

kita sempat memaki, berteriak, dan melupakan semua yang nyaman dan indah
namun saat mulai menangis dan terdiam
saat kamu peluk aku dengan hangat, tanpa sepatah kata aku selalu tahu bahwa rasa bersalah terbendung hebatnya di dalam hatimu
saat kudengar tiap detak jantungmu yang selalu terasa hangat
dan seketika aku tahu, semua sudah terlupakan
dan kita kembali bergandengan tangan

namun aku tetap rindu akan kepolosan diwaktu kecil
dimana semua teriakan dan makian tidak perlu dikerahkan
tidak perlu terjadi...

let us be a bluetooth connection.

why don't we turn on our bluetooth and stick together?
don't go too far or else we'll be disconnected

hold each other's hand if necessary
so that we know we won't be seperated and get lost

send me anything you want me to own
share your mind
share your feeling
share anything

my storage will always be available for you
so don't you worry about me getting enough
because i will never

protect our connection with our own "password"
so that nobody will be able to encounter end enter our own realm
so that nobody can destroy our bound
nobody will seperate us and distract us

you have my special place
and you will always be there

so remember to stick with me and don't let your hand slips away from mine
if that happens, i will try to re-connect again and find you no matter how far you go (: