Monday, December 26, 2011

iTweet. iRuled.

Hurting people is easy.

Moreover, social media triggers more insulation.

I guess weak-hearted people whom easily getting offended or have sensitive heart should not involved too much in social media.
I mean, even me, in my worst state, sometimes do feel offended by some people or some tweets.
Though it probably was not meant for me.
I guess there are several rules, my rules, to stay survived in social media world.
Especially when we are down or weary, it's better to follow these several rules.
Save your heart, save your feeling. Spare.

1. IF YOUR NAME IS NOT THERE, IT'S NOT FOR YOU. MAKE BELIEVE!
Sometimes we see words that kill us inside, either it's by people whom you have problem with, or people you just don't want to remember. It's best to tell yourself, if you're not mentioned, it's not for you. Even the content is offensive regarding to your recall. IT'S NOT FOR YOU. PERIOD.


2. WHEN YOU ARE CURIOUS, STOP.
Curiosity kills. Ignorance is bliss. In social media, it works very well. Sometimes we eager to check timeline of people you usually avoid. Stop checking, stop finding, stop looking for trouble.

3. LOG IN JUST WHEN YOU WANT TO TWEET/UPDATE.
After that, log off. Don't dare yourself to scroll down or up or check recent updates. Back to rule number 2. CURIOSITY KILLS!


4. WHEN THINGS GOT OUT OF HAND, TRY TO IGNORE.
When you see certain things that offend you, or hurt your feeling in any way, try to remember, it's social media, people can speak anything they want, though it's sometimes rubbish. If it doesn't work, try to ignore. If you just feel hurt, log off. If it doesn't help, tweet some more until you feel relieved. WHO CARES AFTERALL? ( :


5. CONFRONT.
I sometimes see some people's timeline and some people, whom coincidentally have issues with me recently, and their tweets seem so offensive, I just go ahead contact them and ask. I know, it's like too impulsive or too to-the-point, but then that's just me, or at least I don't waste time wondering if it's me they're talking about. I prefer ask directly. If they tell the truth then it's good and we can proceed to solve it. If they seem like concealing, then screw them. What I call "friend" would not avoid issue. Moreover if it's stupid/silly/small/minor/unimportant issue. What's good in hiding or keeping hatred? It's stupid, wasting time, and a cancer. But to be honest, most of people I asked directly don't tell the truth, or I end up hurting them in some ways. I guess I'm just too forward.

6. YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP REPLYING UNTIL YOU END UP SPEECHLESS.
I don't want to stereotyping Indonesian, but I don't find this particular behavior in any other nationality (or not yet?). But Indonesian usually takes forever to end a conversation. It's like OH-GOSH-ENDLESS. Things usually get out of context and keep going on until it becomes annoyingly random. But unconsciously I also sometimes do that. I just don't feel right when I don't reply any mention or conversation. But it's tiring, really.

7. IGNORE THOSE WHO OCCASIONALLY ANYHOW REPLY/RT.
Usually you tweet something about certain thing or particular people and that person coincidentally RT or reply. It's just hilariously awkward. I usually ignore those who RT or reply without knowing the reasons why I tweet/write it. You really don't have to reply when you don't want to. Even with simple "haha" or "hehe" orany emoticon, when you don't want to, just don't.

8. YOUR WORLD, YOUR RULE, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Since it's yours, you are free to write, say, tweet anything. But then refer back to see if things that you do appropriate to be shared. I mean, straightforward things like updating EVERYTHING you do EVERY SECOND is not important at all right? You're not someone even famous, even if you are, does EVERYBODY want to know EVERYTHING you do? I bet only your die-hard-fans or die-hard-stalker who wants to know about your EVERYTHING. Seriously, I don't care if your daddy just bought you a private island or an airplane. Do you really need to show it to the world? Get a life. You just bought a new g-string, transparent one, you really have to share the picture with everybody, with the world? Moreover if you are wearing it?
Excuse me, what? Jealous?
I'm not jealous, I'm just disgusted.
There's a BIG difference between jealousy and disgust.
Famous people get famous because they become the talk of the town for what they have/achieve, not because they brag about it.
There is a BIG difference between famous people and people who wants to be famous.
Actually it's okay to do anything, in anyway, I also have mute button and also ability to skip your timeline anyway ( :

9. IT'S PERSONAL SPACE.
My twitter is my world. To be exact, I don't expect people to follow me in the first place I created my twitter account. I just want to have fun, but then it ends up like hell. Reason is the more people who follow you, the bigger responsibility to hold what you're saying. However, it's a personal account, not some kind of celebrity or organization or marketing twitter. Too bad some people don't get what twitter is about. But then too bad that sometimes we follow wrong person. LOL

10. FOLLOW/UNFOLLOW. EXISTENCE.
It's not necessarily to follow people who follow you. And you cannot force people to follow you as well. If you have to unfollow someone you know, just fyi even if you unfollow them, doesn't make you stop knowing them. Funny anyway.
And twitter is not something that gives you a million dollar if you reach certain amount of followers or tweets in your timeline.
Who cares if your timeline reaches 1 million tweets?
Who cares if your follower reaches 1 million (in this case, personal twitter)?
Seriously. I don't care.
I use twitter as micro blog, to say things I want to say.
It's not commercial twitter and I am not a celebrity.
I am just a common person who loves to write and speak my mind.
That's all.


Btw, if you find yourself disagree to what I have said, maybe this one is more appropriate for you.

cheers,

meL

drive......me nuts.

Menyetir di Jakarta (jangankan Jakarta, Tangerang aja deh gak usah jauh-jauh) adalah sebuah hal LUAR BIASA yang saya yakin tidak semua orang bisa........dengan benar.

Saya kadang tidak mengerti, beberapa orang menyetir seakan dunia milik mobilnya sendiri.
Ya emang sih, SIM gampang cuma nembak, 2 jam jadi.
Tapi bukan itu inti permasalahannya.

Bagaimana style menyetir anda?
Apakah dengan SIM tembakan (atau tidak), anda mampu menyetir dengan baik dan benar?
Mampu bertoleransi dengan pengemudi lain?
Mampu mengendalikan emosi anda di jalanan?
Ingat, jalanan bukan rumah tangga anda yang bebas lempar piring kala anda emosi.

Contoh simple tadi siang, saya akan pergi ke Gading Serpong dari Lippo.
Sebenarnya kalau saja jalanan baik dan semua pengemudi baik, harusnya sampai di bawah 15 menit, mentok 20-25 menit (dengan kecepatan normal cenderung rendah).
Saya sudah tertinggal sekian menit untuk meeting dengan teman, tentu saya harus sedikit memburu waktu.
Yang terjadi adalah (yaa biasanya kalau buru-buru ada saja kan keadaannya?) mobil depan saya, menyetir dengan super lambat.
Mending kalau lambat jalan di lajurnya, ini lambat dan di tengah-tengah tanpa berniat (atau terlalu CERDAS untuk tidak untuk memberi jalan).
Saat lampu hijau untuk kendaraan yang hendak belok ke kanan, alih-alih dia maju untuk menghentikan laju angkot dan motor yang biasa main seradak-seruduk, dia stop. STATIC di tempat.
Dalam hati saya cuma bisa nyebut "Celaka ini orang antara lagi telepon, baru belajar, atau terlampau cerdas."
Setelah menunggu sekian menit sampai dia maju (setelah rupanya dia bergulat dengan keinginan untuk maju atau beramal kepada sekian banyak angkot dan motor dan menikmati bunyi klakson panjang dari saya dan sekian mobil di belakang).
Belum cukup tadi dia berhenti begitu saja dan melakukan kegiatan amal, lagi-lagi dengan laju sangat amat lambat dia menyusuri jalanan yang notabene sangat sempit itu dan memakan sekian menit hanya untuk belok kiri.
Lagi-lagi di jalanan arah Kelapa Dua menuju Gading Serpong, yang minim lajur dan terlalu sempit untuk menyalip jika muak dengan lambatnya mobil depan, dia menyetir dengat amat sangat lambat.

Mungkin kalau saya akan melahirkan dan bayinya sungsang, saya atau bayi saya sudah mati di jalan (amit-amit).


Emosi sudah sampai di ubun-ubun kepala, diklakson tetap gak mau maju, dilampu tembak tetap begitu.
Akhirnya saya pasrah.
Pasrah untuk mencari celah menyalip si cerdas livina silver itu.
Dengan sepersekian detik dan sepersekian sisa jalanan yang ada, mau tidak mau saya harus memaksa maju untuk menyalip, secara si cerdas itu tetap di tengah-tengah jalan tanpa sedikitpun mengerti untuk sedikit ke kiri.
Karena jalanan di depan berikutnya akan penuh lubang dan polisi tidur, saya ambil chance saya untuk menyalip.
And i did it.


Bukan bermaksud menstereotypingkan, atau berusaha merendahkan gender sendiri (saya perempuan, tulen), rupanya si pengemudi itu perempuan.
Annoying.


Kenapa rata-rata semua orang (baca: laki-laki) yang saya kenal selalu bilang "Pantes lama, perempuan sih" kalau bertemu mobil yang menyetirnya tidak baik atau terlalu lama lajunya?
Kenapa perempuan di sama ratakan kemampuan menyetirnya?

Kenapa para perempuan itu tidak berusaha mengerti bahwa ada ketentuan-ketentuan tertentu dalam berkendara di jalanan?
Semua orang yang menyetir pasti ada masa takut-takutnya.
Saya juga alami.
Tapi di awal dulu saya selalu berusaha tetap pada jalur saya di paling kiri, karena SAYA SADAR SAYA LAMBAT.
Mana pernah sekalipun saya berusaha atau berani menyalip saat saya tahu saya tidak mampu atau tidak berani.
Dan sekali lagi, kalimat motto saya, "Kalau saya bisa, kenapa orang lain tidak bisa?"
Apa susahnya sih belajar untuk mengemudi dengan benar?
Kalau melakukan satu atau dua kesalahan, bisa kan diingat dan diperbaiki tanpa berusaha mengulang?
Apa susahnya belajar menjadi lebih baik?
Hidup saja belajar terus, masa menyetir asal-asalan?

Tidak perlu sok bisa kalau memang tidak bisa.
Kalau belum mampu melaju dengan lancar di jalanan sempit, lewat jalan yang besar.
Tidak perlu sok kencang kalau cuma mencelakakan diri sendiri atau orang lain, tanpa tahu kemampuan diri sendiri dan mobil yang dikendarai.
Anda tahu kalau kemampuan mengerem tiap kendaraan berbeda?

Itu sebabnya 99% supir Metromini tidak pernah mengerem, mereka selalu menghindar.

Kalau memang belum bisa parkir, coba cari ladies parking.
Atau kalau sadar belum bisa parkir, belajar dulu baru ke mall.
Jangan bikin antrian mobil di belakang anda klakson seperti konser orkestra atau menunggu lama hanya karena anda maju mundur berjuta kali hanya untuk memasukkan mobil ke satu kotak.

Modal menyetir bukan cuma nekat atau SIM tembakan.
Ada banyak hal, pengetahuan rambu, tahu jalur anda, tahu batas kecepatan, tahu aturan belok, tahu aturan ini itu.
Jangan jadi batu kali di tengah-tengah jalanan, nyusahin orang lain.

Saya tidak bilang saya jago nyetir.
Yang jelas saya selalu berusaha mematuhi rambu dan aturan.
Saya tidak pernah berusaha mencelakakan orang lain dengan tiba-tiba memotong dari kiri secara tiba-tiba atau memotong lajur orang seenaknya.
Kalau saya sadar saya lambat, saya selalu ambil lajur paling kiri.
Kalau saya mau belok saya selalu kasih lampu sign.
Kalau saya mau pindah jalur saya juga selalu kasih lampu sign.

Tidak ada yang namanya surprise! di jalanan, sepersekian detik menyangkut nyawa anda dan orang lain.
Lebih tepatnya, ketololan dan/atau ketidak mau tahuan anda berpengaruh sangat besar.

REM
Rem mendadak itu sangat menyebalkan buat mobil belakang anda jika sedang di keadaan macet.
Tidak masuk akal jika anda tidak melihat jarak antara anda dan mobil depan anda kan?
Apa susahnya berhenti sesuai jarak aman dan tanpa mengagetkan pengemudi belakang anda?

Jarak aman tidak berlaku saat macet. Stop memberi jarak 30m saat macet parah atau antre di gerbang tol.
Itu namanya toleransi.
Mengerem saat kendaraan depan anda masih sangat amat jauh, luar biasa kekhawatiran dan paranoid anda padahal anda menyetir dengan kecepatan sangat lambat.

Lajur paling kanan di tol adalah untuk kendaraan sangat cepat dan untuk mendahului.
Bukan lajur leha-leha atau untuk belajaran.
Bukan lajur "Oh suka-suka gue dong mau pake lajur mana".
Bukan lajur milik nenek moyang anda
Bukan lajur "Bentar lagi telepon".
Juga bukan lajur dengan kecepatan di bawah 80km/jam.

Saat anda tidak bertoleransi seperti itu, yang terjadi adalah lajur kiri akan menjadi ajang balap Nascar.
Semua yang cepat akan memilih lajur kiri dan MENYALIP dari arah kiri.
Kebayang kan bahayanya?


Tidak ada yang namanya "Suka-suka gue dong mau lewat mana kek" walau jalanan itu yang bikin bapak atau diri anda sendiri sekalipun.
Jalanan itu milik umum dan milik semua orang dan seharusnya semua orang sadar diri.

Tahu bedanya garis lurus dan putus-putus?
Tahu kalau mau belok ke kiri atau kanan harus ambil lajur yang akan anda lalui?
Kalau anda mau ke kanan ya antre di lajur kanan.
Begitu juga kalau anda mau ke kiri.
Bukan potong lajur seenaknya.
Bukan sodok lajur orang.
Semua orang buru-buru, semua orang mau cepat.
Kalau anda tidak bisa belajar antre, bagaimana mau lancar dan cepat?

Saya cukup emosi hari ini dengan traffic yang ada, ketololan-ketololan di jalanan, dan chaosnya jalanan.
Andai semua orang bisa belajar toleransi, mengemudi dengan baik dan benar, dan sedikit mau mengerti kemampuan diri sendiri, mungkin jalanan bisa sedikit lebih terkendali.

Kuncinya cuma ada di diri kita masing-masing kok.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

bizzarely incomplete.

Listening to Lady Antebellum - I Need You Know right around 1 AM, sobbing so hard, crying my heart out..........
Seems familiar?

When the word: It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.......
is being sung, it strikes me so hard, even makes my sob and tears getting worse.

That's what i went through last Saturday.

But that's not what i want to talk right now.
Who the hell cares with my love life.

Well it is indirectly connected but my case isn't my point.

What i want to talk about here and now, is the idea of how people can be so easily saying "it's okay, i know how you feel".
While most of the time they never experience it themselves.
Simple example: watching the infotainment, there's a celebrity who's having an affair, most of us would say "how can they do that. that is just so wrong"
But, really?
Have we really ever felt the same way like that?
Or have we really ever experienced the exact same condition?
For me, I used to say that.
From social point of view, doing something WRONG is wrong.
There's boundary, there's parameter.
Like: when you're married you're not supposed to be having a relationship with other people.
I agree to that statement. But to what extend?
I haven't got married yet.
I haven't experienced that so how could I say that's wrong or right?
Just according to social perspective and moral issue.

Someone, a person, told me: "when it comes to heart (feeling-wise) we can't control it at all."

Another simple example, from my own experience:
When I was young, my friend asked me what should she do at that time when she found out her boyfriend was cheating. I simply said "break him up" but she was so stubborn to hold on to her relationship and I didn't know why would she do that. Then came to one point, when I experienced the same thing. My friend did tell me the exact same thing, to break him up.
But did I do that right away?
No I didn't.

Who says it's easy?
Who says it's simple?
I knew it wasn't right, but i knew i couldn't lie to my heart.
Thus from that point i understand how it feels to be in that situation.
I mean, we have options. to forgive/forget and take a chance (even for being hurt once more or over and over again by the same guy), to follow our hearts, or to just go ahead dump that stupid man.

Okay it doesn't make any sense, right?
But I did once.
So I know how it feels like.
I know I was being so stupid and silly by forgetting and forgiving him, but in reality, I am getting stronger from that point until now.
I learned something.
But the most important thing is: I don't regret that I was following my heart at that time.

Several of worst feelings, of what hurts the most according to me are:
1. Just like what Rascal Flatts says: what hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away.
Tell me it doesn't hurt when you have someone so close, you know that they're within your ability to reach and grasp, but you just can't because it is slipping through your fingers.
2. What hurts the most is when you know you care for someone so much, one day, they're breaking down and falling apart and you can't do anything just because you're merely nobody for them.
3. What hurts the most is when someone who once your everything turns into stranger.
4. What hurts the most is when you thought you have everything with someone, and when they're gone, you realize you never had anything.
5. What hurts the most is when you just can't tell yourself to let go what you should have.
6. What hurts the most is when you are lost, not knowing what to do.
7. What hurts the most is when you miss someone so much yet they don't give a damn about you at all.
8. What hurts the most is seeing someone from afar, seeing their back, once you used to hold. Yet you can do nothing about it.
9. What hurts the most is fighting so hard to just fall even harder in the end.
10. What hurts the most is being judged by the one you love the most.

Friday, December 23, 2011

marry you.

Sekilas kalau mikirin soal pernikahan itu sepertinya gampang ya?
Dua orang saling mencintai, berjanji, berkomitmen untuk bersama-sama sampai maut memisahkan.
Ke KUA, catatan sipil, pemberkatan, resepsi........honey moon = HAPPILY EVER AFTER

really?

NGAREP

Nyatanya banyak kasus nyata kalau nikah itu sulit!
Gausah jauh-jauh contohnya, saya ngacung deh buat soal yang satu ini.

Kemarin ini sempat membicarakan cerita masa depan berdua.
Dari soal mau beli rumah aja sudah ribut.
Berlanjut ke masalah resepsi pernikahan, pemberkatan pernikahan (secara agama kita berbeda).
Terus belum cukup semua keribetan itu, ditambah lagi sebuah kenyataan besar: saya SUKA anjing, dia GASUKA anjing.

Bukan tidak suka yang gimana-gimana banget, cuma beberapa "ritual" khas di rumah sekarang adalah:
1. setiap malam anjing selalu masuk kamar dan kadang bobok bareng satu ranjang
2. setiap saat hobi cium-cium anjing kesayangan dan elus-elus gak pake cuci tangan (kecuali mau makan)
3. si doggy bebas naik turun sofa dan nonton tv kapanpun dia mau (hahaha lebay juga bagian nonton tv)

Dan hal-hal disebutkan di atas bisa jadi sebuah hal super penting yang beberapa orang tidak sukai.

Belum cukup mencoba adaptasi dan mengerti keanehan-keanehan di awal, harus juga berusaha mengakrabkan diri dengan keluarga besar kedua belah pihak (ya iyalah emang nikah cuma antara suami sama istri doang?)
Nah, terbayang belum ribetnya?
Saya sih sudah.

Belum lagi masalah materi.
Nikah buat saya bukan cuma sebuah kecukupan mental, jiwa, raga, atau sekedar SIAP.
Tapi materi juga harus siap.
Mau makan apa kalau kerja aja masih serabutan atau gaji selalu habis tiap awal bulan?
Mau beli bahan makanan pakai apa kalau pengeluaran masih lebih besar ketimbang pemasukan?
Mau bayar rumah sakit bagaimana kalau istri melahirkan, kalau setiap bulan masih bergantung limit kartu kredit?
Wah, jujur saya ngeri bayanginnya.
Bagaimana saya memenuhi kebutuhan saya selama ini yang 50% masih disupport orang tua?
Apakah nanti suami saya sanggup memenuhi kebutuhan saya?

Despite all the arguments and quarrels I mentioned above, lucky me I have a super understanding man for this needs issue.

Mungkin banyak pasangan yang melakukan hal yang saya lakukan bersama si pacar.
Mungkin sistemnya lain, tapi intinya, kita berusaha, dia berusaha untuk belajar memenuhi kebutuhan saya setiap bulan.
Kebutuhan terbesar saya sebenarnya bukan baju, bukan perhiasan, bukan barang-barang.
Kebutuhan terbesar, pengeluaran terbesar lebih tepatnya, adalah MAKAN.
Iya, makanan adalah pengeluaran terbesar saya setiap bulannya.

Saya suka makan, hobi makan, pemburu makanan, dan sangat cinta makanan enak.
Intinya saya 70% menghabiskan saat-saat makan saya di luar.
Atau saya sering berkunjung ke restoran atau tempat favorit saya.
Jadi setiap bulan, si pacar memberikan alokasi dana dengan jumlah yang sama, untuk pengeluaran makan (baca: have fun).
Kalau sampai melebihi budget yang ada, bulan depan akan dipotong sesuai dengan kekurangan bulan sebelumnya. Kalau lebih akan dimasukkan tabungan bersama milik kami berdua.
Kesannya seru ya?
Seru kalau bisa mengerem hobi makan saya.
Sayangnya kadang kalau pas sedang ngidam ini itu, susah banget untuk stop diri untuk tidak makan ini atau itu.
Alhasil kadang setiap bulan pas habis atau dengan terpaksa menunda keinginan untuk makan ini itu.
Tapi kalau sekarang mengecek saldo tabungan, rasanya senang banget.
Karena tabungan itu rencananya akan digunakan untuk membeli barang-barang untuk mengisi rumah kita kelak di masa depan (aduh berasa lama ya).

I appreciate his willingness to understand and try to fulfill my personal needs. It also helps myself to adjust my needs --to spend only with what I've got.
Eitherway it's a good exercise for our future life as family. Early learning/education is always a good start to step into a bigger world, right? ( :

Anyway, seiring berjalannya waktu (awalnya susah banget untuk ngerem keinginan saya untuk makan ini itu di saat yang berdekatan), saya belajar untuk menghargai yang saya punya dan sebisa mungkin lebih banyak menabung ketimbang membuang uang untuk makan makanan mahal yang kadang belum tentu enak ( :
Tapi itu tidak menghentikan hobi saya sebagai food hunter. Hanya saja sekarang lebih pintar memilah ( ;

Lagipula, sekarang kita berdua sama-sama sibuk, jadinya jarang ada waktu untuk keluar makan yang terlalu jauh, karena biasanya kerjaan kita berdua baru selesai di sore menjelang malam, sama-sama terlalu capek untuk keluar ke area Jakarta.

In conclusion, I guess I am not ready to get married, just yet.
Let's do things we can do while we are still young (and not married)!


cheers,

meL

conditional love issue.

So what is it the correct way to be in love or in loving someone?
I shall say there's no right or wrong in loving someone.

No, seriously.

*putting serious lame face*

No, I mean, each individual is totally a completely different from one another.
I mean what should we follow this or that rules in loving someone while we feel that it is not comfortable/convenient at all just for the sake of BEING RIGHT?

I mean it's obviously wrong when you love someone just for his/her money. HAHAHAHA.
And it's wrong when you're loving someone just to get things you want and not really IN LOVE with the person.

No it's not what I'm trying to defend here nor I'm trying to say.

What I want to say is that there is no boundary in loving someone.

For example:
I used to love someone so much til it hurts and there was nothing left than love.
(like what the priest said before, loving someone so much til it hurts then the pain won't be exist anymore whilst left only love love and love).
But then I got betrayed by this person, I mean, irresponsible person I shall say. HAHAHAHAHA.
So I decided to stop loving someone that way because it's just ain't fair for me (whoa what a selfish person).
But I don't care at all!
I want to be happy and to love and be loved at the same time and if it takes me to love someone in conditional situation, I'll do whatever it takes.

So as what my mom told me before, that we should not love someone 99%.
I do it my own way.

I know I love him and I know I care for him.
But I also know how to make him suffer to make me happy. (seems so sadistic isnt it? hahaha)

Well make him suffer in a good way as to make him aware that LOVE is just not enough to make someone happy to make me happy..

There are other things that support a relationship.
honesty
       trust
  communication
                 understanding
              etc. etc. etc.

No its not that simple.

It's not like what advertising tell you, not that reality shows tell you and obviously NOT WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

No it doesnt work that way no no in this real world unless you are a dreamer and/or living in a fairy tale.

It's not like you're falling in love and that's it happily ever after.

No.
I bet cinderella quarrels with her husband in her marriage life. HAHAHAHAHHA
No there's no such thing as happily ever after if you are consuming merely LOVE in your life.

It's either you are too naive, too stupid or too blind.

Call me mean but I don't believe such thing exists.
Not in this kind of cruel world.

You need many things to support a healthy and good relationship.
The love is there but it's not the only thing that will survive along several years of relationship.

Why am I writing this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
I begin to ponder myself. hahahahaha

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Christmas Season, Christmas Mood.






source: 1-23456

btw, i'm in love with white and blue Christmas theme this year.
what about you? ( :

love,
meL

Thursday, December 15, 2011

searching for the perfect LIVING ROOM.





leave&forget.

Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.Sigmund Freud

you can't expect people to think they way you do.

i chose to be the villain, the bad guy, the jerk, and so be it.
in the end i should not care whether i hurt someone's heart/feeling,
since i am the one who is all to blame.

you know, good things don't last forever.
one day, sooner or later they'll all be replaced by the bad ones.
that is why i am always scared whenever something that's too good to be true happens,
because later there'll be something bad in return.

you know, it's like what people said "don't laugh too much you might cry."

even freedom requires responsibility.
everything we do requires one.

it's easier to blame other for what you feel than admit things.
it's easier to say "i'm hurt" rather than "i know i hurt you, thus i'm hurt."
because people don't always get what we mean.

so since i am the bad guy, i play my role, i play my part.
it's okay being replaced.
it's okay being thrown away.
it's okay being abandoned.
i am so get used to it.
what matters to me is that everybody's doing fine.
so i will be fine.

you know how funny it is when in the first place you give a warning.
and you know that in happiness state, people don't really listen to what you say,
furthermore when it's about bad or ugly possibility.
they don't really care.
happiness is a temporary state.
even you CREATE happiness in order to feel or get one.
it's a properly planned and customized state.

i learn not to say things when my heart is bitter.
i learn to just keep silent.
i learn that silence is gold.
i learn that there's no such thing as mutual understanding when it comes to argumentation.
when it comes to fight.
when it comes to misunderstanding.
when it comes to EGO.

but then people always come with reason and logic.
just for them to understand and grasp issues and situations.
in order to step in their comfort zone.
in order to create an understanding.

to me, it's no longer about who's hurting who.
it's a mere phase i have to go through in life in order to know who's the best.
in order to understand there are millions type of people on earth.
in order to understand myself.

everything happens for a reason.
but one thing i always believe:


and to put it bluntly, i love dogs more than humans.
because they're sincere, hold no grudge, lovable in any circumstances, they have unconditional love til death do us part, and endless loyalty.

Dogs are miracle with paws. ~Attributed to Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

what makes you feel?

what makes you feel when someone says
"I only want you with all the happiness but not with your worst emotional state?"
and that someone once told you that they love you, care about you?

Monday, December 12, 2011

i have a name.

you know what hurts?
the fact that people, most people are only care about you when you are happy and cheer up
and when you are in your lowest state of everything
crying
sobbing
down
blue
moody
emotional
drama
imbalance
hurt
feeling pain
angry
sad
upset
lonely
mellow
frustrated
they just don't really care

care  (kâr)n.1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities; worry.
2. Mental suffering; grief.
3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: the many cares of a working parent.4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: handled the crystal bowl with care.5.a. Close attention; painstaking application: painting the window frames and sashes with care.b. Upkeep; maintenance: a product for the care of fine floors; hair care products.6. Watchful oversight; charge or supervision: left the child in the care of a neighbor.7. Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need: a hospital that provides emergency care.v. caredcar·ingcaresv.intr.1. To be concerned or interested: Once inside, we didn't care whether it rained or not.2. To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: cared for the wounded; caring for an aged relative at home.3. To object or mind: If no one cares, I'll smoke.4.a. To have a liking or attachment: didn't care for the movie.b. To have a wish; be inclined: Would you care for another helping?v.tr.1. To wish; desire: Would you care to dance?2. To be concerned to the degree of: I don't care a bit what critics think.

it doesn't take much to care about someone
you don't have to be the smartest people on earth
you don't have to understand the meaning of it via dictionary
you don't have to know that someone so much
you don't have to ask yourself why
you don't have to question the reason why
you don't have to work your ass off
you don't have to sweat yourself
you don't have to die
you don't have to struggle
you don't have to cry out loud for Godsake
you don't have to ask million questions in regards to
you just have to have HEART
and every human being has one.
so what makes you stop or unable to care for someone?

first time is a mistake
second time is a choice

i don't know why some people enter my life just to hurt me in the end
i always keep my door open
maybe i'm just stupid
they say when you are in love it's like drinking beer, get too much of it and get more stupid each time.
but who knows i would fall in too deep
who knows i would fall with (another) wrong person?

as i recall, never once i call people with names
when someone act bad do i call them by names?
no.
i tell them what's wrong but i don't judge
because i know that's just mistake people do

do i expect so much?
oh wait, do i expect anything in the first place
well maybe i do.
life is full of expectations
you can say "let's not expect"
but then it's another expectation as well

it's human nature to expect something

i always hate the beginning of every relationship
do you know why?
because every beginning is the sweetest among all
the sweetest moment
i shall say "fake" one
two people meet
being nice to each other because you don't know who is who
then the relationship develops
higher level, higher risk, higher stake
you begin to know each other
still, it's a fake one
you might get upset over certain thing
then what?
you can't be angry with the other person just for the sake you don't really know that person very well
you swallow everything
well, suck it up basically..
then when the relationship is getting deeper
you begin to argue basically stuffs
stuffs that mainly not appear in the first place
then the thing is, it's either one of you get tired of DRAMA or IMBALANCED EMOTIONAL STATE
then nobody wants to eliminate their egos
or maybe one of you begin to beg, plead, say millions of sorry
just because one of you is afraid to lose the other person
but then it's another level of expectation

you know what sucks?
being me sucks
being such a drama queen sucks
being such a person with imbalanced emotional state sucks
being such a fool sucks
being such a stupid person sucks
being such an idiot sucks
being such a loser sucks
being such a person who is easily disposable sucks
being such a rubbish sucks
being such a pain in the ass sucks
being such a burden sucks
being a person with so much extra luggage and burdens sucks
being a person that seems more like a commodity that can be easily chosen or discarded sucks!!!

do i care about other people's feeling up to this moment?
i do.
do i care about what other think about me?
i do.
do i care about what people judge me with or give me names?
i do.
do i care about people's happiness?
i still do.
do people care about me?
no.
am i sad?
yes.
do i think of hurting myself?
no. to certain extend that it's not for me i hurt myself, it's for other people who don't worth my blood and tears.
do i think of disappearing?
yep.
do i wish for people would care for me?
yes.
do i ask people to care for me?
why do i have to when they are around me all the time when i am fine?

so the conclusion is people only care for you when you are perfectly fine, okay, minor emotional state.
most people don't know how to react
most people just plain don't care
most people don't have any idea
most people don't give a f*ck

when people ask "what's wrong"
and you start blabbering, what makes you think they care?
no, they usually catch phrases or main words
and usually the final reply: "be patient" or "you're gonna be okay" or "i'm sorry to hear that"
or
the most obvious possible respond they'd think you're weird
they'd think you're abnormal (are you, yourself anyway?)
they'd think something's wrong with you
they'd judge
they'd call you names
they'd get upset eventually
they'd just go away

basically what i need is just someone come to me, hug me, and tell me "it's okay being like this, just get over it soon and be happy again"

THINGS THAT SUCK.....in life and you have to suck 'em up

1. People see you as strong and keep putting you down.
2. When a man says "I'd keep your heart safe" in the first place and he'll let you down someday and the easiest part for him is to move on when a woman is left behind, struggling alone, surviving on her own feet. (no offense though. I'm just saying).
3. When you have no idea what other people intends to do and in the end you'll get your instinct proven right but then it'll be too late to regret.
4. When you are not strong enough to do what you have to do, instead you let yourself do stupid things the opposite.
5. People put their noses in your own business as if they are care enough, in the end life is just a cycle of paparazzi, even if you are no celebrity, people always love to mock you and your life (not being sarcastic, once again I'm just saying).
6. People will always run their mouths. It's marathon, baby!
7. Gossip.
8. You work your ass off and in the end it's just for other people's benefit and you get none of the credit. Just sweat and if you get lucky "another task".
9. You work for (i shall say WRONG) people who don't always appreciate what you've done.
10. Your love life sucks, your life sucks, your job sucks, your friends suck, your EVERYTHING seems suck and you just have to go through everything alone. But then it's what we are. We are born alone, die alone. Live alone, right.
11. When you just say what you think and want, people think differently.
12. When you just say thing carelessly with no intention to offend people, but again, people think differently.
13. When you know something is just wrong with someone, you ask once, twice, several times and they keep saying "nothing is wrong with me" or "I'm fine" and in the end you're all to blame.
14. When you don't even have chance to defend yourself or even to speak your mind, the other person is keep yelling, shouting, pointing finger, pointing mistake, emphasizing flaw(s), and blaming.
15. When people say "I don't care" when you're explaining the reason why.
16. When you can't stop thinking about what others might feel when you do certain things.
17. When all of sudden someone enters your room, without knocking in the first place and meanwhile you just don't feel fine and they keep talking, asking, bothering. You might end up burst in anger and shoo them out (and regret it) or you just keep silent and they'll say things that somehow ridiculously misunderstanding without knowing your state (and you'll regret it too somehow).
18. You yell at someone and regret it.
19. You get angry but that person is making fun out of it.
20. When you say something you think so funny but the people are just like "okay...".
21. When you want to go somewhere so much but then due to natural reasons, you just have to cancel or postpone it. The excitement is gone.
22. You go somewhere beautiful and it rains like cats and dogs.
23. You go somewhere beautiful and the hotel room sucks.
24. You go somewhere beautiful with people who ruin your mood.
25. You go somewhere beautiful with people who ruin your mood and you have to pretend like nothing happens or people will just ask "what's wrong with you" or say "you really have a bad attitude".
26. When people know exactly what happens, know it has happened before but still ask "what's wrong with you?"
27. Someone hurt you and keep asking "tell me what's going on". You want to scream out loud but you just are too tired to explain.
28. Some people are stupid enough to laugh at things that hurt or bother you.
29. Itchy bed, itchy blanket, itchy everything when you struggle to sleep.
30. Ignorance.
31. People try to be sympathy but end up in misunderstanding what's going on and you are too tired to explain.
32. People who talk so much about things you don't want to hear when you're in a horrible mood.
33. The fact that you can't just say "I'm not in a good mood" and expect people to understand without feeling bad or making you feel bad, conscious or unconsciously.
34. The fact that you can't just fight with people, argue, solve it, get over it, and get along like usual.
35. The fact that saying sorry is just not enough.
36. The fact that you are so upset that you just don't want to listen to any reasons or explanations.
37. The fact that you have to go through tough times alone.
38. The fact that you just can win over your own self.
39. The fact that you know that you know about it yet you try so hard to make believe yourself that you don't know about it.
40. Love is blind.
41. When you have no intention to fall for someone in the first place but end up do.
42. When you have no intention to fall for someone in the first place but end up do but apparently that person belongs to someone else or they just don't love you in the first place.
43. When you can't forget someone you want to forget the most.
44. When you love someone so much that it hurts.
45. When you want to try and keep fighting for someone but that someone say "it's over".
46. When you have to be friends with someone you still love and pretend like nothing happened.
47. When you want someone so much but they just have no idea and do things the opposite no matter how obvious you lure them in.
48. People who think you're a pathetic, while you're just extremely sad and expressing yourself.
49. You can't move on.
50. Room is too hot, or too cold.
51. You are on holiday and you get sick.
52. Fight with someone you love.
53. You want to talk to someone you haven't talked in ages but you have no courage to start.
54. Get hungry in the middle of the night (I am while I am writing this and I just brushed my teeth).
55. Get hungry in the middle of the night and you can't sleep or you suddenly awake.
56. You want/need to cry but you just can't or you don't know why you should.
57. Suddenly wake up in an inconvenient hour (early in 3 or 4 am), you're just not sure whether to go back to bed or stay awake until morning. Sometimes you just don't feel sleepy until it's about time to really wake up and you don't have time to nap.
58. Forget something.
59. Expectation(s).
60. Missing someone who doesn't know anything about your feeling.
61. Someone browse through your personal journal.
62. People constantly ask about your decisions in life.
63. People constantly ask about your decisions in life and point out mistakes.
64. You're so sleepy when all of sudden you want to pee.
65. Rainy day, sleepy eyes, tired, but you have to stay awake.
66. You doubt yourself.
67. You doubt your decision.
68. You don't know what to do.
69. You are completely speechless when you really have to say something.
70. Awkward moments.
71. Being out of place.
72. Being abandoned.
73. Being left alone.
74. Being ignored.
75. Have to be in the same room with people you hate, don't like, or those who hate you.
76. Being jobless and mocked.
77. You crave for something so much and you can't get it.
78. You crave for something so much and when you get it, you just loose the crave.
79. You crave for something so much and you have to hold for it.
80. Being misunderstood.
81. Being alienated.
82. Home alone and you hear noises, voices.
83. Imagining things (bad stuffs).
84. Nightmare comes true.
85. You trust your feeling so much and it turns out wrong.
86. You ignore your feeling and it turns out right.
87. Do something wrong, do the opposite and still turns out wrong.
88. Not knowing what to do.
89. Frustration.
90. Loneliness.
91. Not having private space.
92. Being a joke.
93. Being a fool.
94. Being a black sheep.
95. Being a mean person.
96. Being a mean person when you just try to be true.
97. Being lied.
98. Being betrayed.
99. Tired to face anything.
100. Tired but just can't sleep.

Google #6

Robert Noyce's 84th Birthday
Hooray for microchip!
Hooray for Intel!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

tumblr.

anyway, guys if you do have tumblr. feel free to follow or do let me know your account so i can follow
here is mine

( :

Puss in Heart.

Cinta datang karena terbiasa.  
love comes because we get used to. 

Sebuah kalimat yang agak mengundang kontroversi.
Kenapa kontroversi?
Muncul berbagai argumen kalau ngomongin soal yang satu itu (baca: cinta).

Argumen #1: Cinta itu datang tiba-tiba.
Argumen #2: Kalau dasarnya gak cinta ya gak cinta aja mau coba dibiasain sekalipun.
Argumen #3: Cinta itu pilihan.

Skeptikal, kritis, ataupun pesimis, sejuta argumen bisa muncul.

I won't take long discussing about this stuff, I will just tell a simple story and let you decide.
This is a story between me and the cat in my house, well practically she isn't my cat, she suddenly came into my house and yeah, she's been here since then.

So one afternoon I (not usually) went out to front yard, just felt like it.
When all of sudden, out of nowhere there was this cat, gray cat meowing right near my left leg -- you know how cats are usually lingering in between your legs.
She is a pretty cat (no, I don't usually like cats, I'm a dog person).
Well long story how I used to have cats while i was little and how my mom tried her best to get rid of them.
(Btw I used to torture cats as well, how I didn't want them to run away I usually kidnapped them in the storage, I know..... bad little me).
So maybe basically I am just an animal lover, so I got into my house, got some foods and gave her.
(I know how people say once you feed stray cats they will go back again)
And so did she.
She kept going back to my house.
My mbak (maid) told me that the cat belonged to several house nearby, she belonged to little girl(s).
But then who cares this cat has no collar anyway and she kept going back and noone has been searching for her since then.
This pretty cat --we (my family and I) call her Pus (I know....)-- was apparently male-cats-eater.
One night I came home from work and found she had some kind of bump in her tummy, I assumed she got pregnant and apparently she did.
Weeks after her tummy was getting bigger.
Since she usually came to my house in the evening after I come home from work (apparently she knew she wouldn't get food unless it's with me), one night she did not come.
After few days later she came back, her tummy was flattened again.
Right, she delivered already then.
Since she came back, she seldom come to my house, I don't know why but I guess she just had to feed her babies, right?
So weeks after weeks she didn't come as often as she used to, I didn't really care though.
Since then as well I got quite many male cats hang around in my house (see I told you she's a male-cats-eater), which apparently her boyfriends HAHAHAHA...

So one day she came back with a quite swollen tummy (again..), she got pregnant again.
Now I guess with another male cat, because this one gingery-garfield-look-like cat always walked together with her.
One fine afternoon I came home early from work and saw this truck in front of my house, Pus came out of my garage and lingered on my legs, when a man came out of the truck and asked me, if the cat was mine.
I realized he is an animal controller, basically in my area you can't have stray animals (even rats!).
So I told him yes the cat is mine.
And he told me he sometimes see the cat wandering around the area and has no collar.
I told him that I don't keep my cat at home and she is free to wandering around anywhere she likes to and since she has no collar doesn't mean she has no owner, now since you know it's my cat don't ever take her away. period.

I didn't know why I was so persistence, I didn't care about any other cats though. I just wanted Pus to be safe and stay.

So days after she kept coming back until one day she disappeared.
I thought she gave birth or something, so I let it slip away.
Days turned to weeks, and turned to months.
Approximately 2 months or so she was gone.
I started to think about it.
I even started to search for her around the area.
I open the car window everytime I drove home in case I heard her voice (btw her voice is so distinctive, kind of super high pitch).
NONE.

Horrible thoughts came after:
What if she died?
What if she got capture by the animal controller?
What if she got hit by car?
What if she starved out there?
and millions of another "what if"

I even asked the security to find her (lol, how paranoid i am right?)

So I kept wondering where is she and I realized that I care about her.
Everytime I got home I kept calling her name so that if she had chance to be somewhere nearby she could have listened and come back.
After the third month, I got home from a date, I saw a slight grayish-thing in my garage, I dropped out the car and ran after the thing
IT WAS PUS!
SHE CAME BACK!
err..... FAT
extremely FATTTT!
no, not pregnant fat, pure fat
her cheeks fat
tummy fat
legs fat
everything fat
and I laughed hysterically at her
I told her "Pus you look so different! I barely recognize you, fatty!"
She kept meowing and lingered in my arms, I hugged her close (but then she never likes being hugged or hold, so a brief hug will do).
I ran inside my house and told mom and dad that my cat is back!
I grabbed a box of cat foods and ran back outside to give her
I sat next to her while she was eating and she kept purring while eating
cute!
I missed her.
And at that point, I was so relieved.

So, in conclusion, what do you think love is?
Love is there because you get used to?
Or love is a choice in the first place?
Or there is no love even if you get used to?
Or love comes all of sudden?
Who knows.... ( ;
What I know is I don't want to loose Pus again



love,
meL

Google #5

Diego Rivera's 125th Birthday

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

random thoughts



i encountered this video while i was browsing through http://www.buzzfeed.com

to certain people who don't get the feeling of hurting/harming self or committing suicide might not understand the feeling of wanting to get a stronger/better self
it might sound silly or pathetic

but how many people around you, that act seemingly childish, seek for attention,
kalau bahasa gaulnya: LEBAY/GALAU?
many, right?

now let's analyse how many of those who have a horrible previous experiences?
bully, broken-home, personal disorder?
little do we know, most of the time we judge people from what they write, they tell, they do

i tweet a lot about my feeling
my drama
but how many of you know i tweet to make myself more relieved?
and how many of you judge me how unstable my emotion is?
how many of you think i'm such a drama queen?
when i write or tweet it, do i want your attention or reply or whatsoever?
sorry, but i don't need any
just like smokers, why do you need to smoke?
it's just because you have to
you are addicted
you are so get used to
it defines you
whatever it is, the way i express myself has nothing to do with me wanting to be seen as SOMETHING i am not.
since when social media, public space becomes so restricted?
you follow people then unfollow then there's likeness and unlikeness?
if you unfollow me, does it make us become stranger in life?
does it remove me or you from my contacts?
from our lives?
from our memories?
i sometimes think people can be so phony.
i follow only people i want to follow
regardless of how i like/unlike those people, i just keep in my mind
even so, why do i have to unfollow people i followed in the first place?
i don't know i just find it very funny
the funny thing again is restricted account in twitter
i don't know why would you make something so private when you are already in public space?
(fyi twitter is public, even you restrict your profile, don't ya think there's no such thing as moderator?)
yaaa i know so many stalkers, so many useless people, whatsoever
but then why bother using twitter then?
use blog instead
or stay in facebook
or just write a diary
and if you want to communicate with people, use bbm, whatsapp, sms, email, phonecall
so far, the less followers i have, less burden i have
i don't have to think about how troublesome i am in twitterland
how talkative i am
how drama i am
my twitter is my rule

but i just can't stop thinking how funny it is when someone you know, literary, unfollow you in twitter just because you don't like the timeline?
sorry but i burst into laughter, hyena laughter

anyway...

i guess i should start jotting down my resolution for 2012 right? (:
i guess i'll do it in the next post :p

have a nice day, people <3
oh btw, do you know that dog can fart? :3

Monday, December 5, 2011

a week of a lifetime



oh wow, makin lama ya jarak 1 post ke post lainnya...
maybe i am just lazy
or maybe i just have any peculiar stuffs i used to have when i lived on my own back then in sg
or maybe, i just have to travel more? *you wish*

anyway

last 1st December i just got back from my trip to Jogja and Surabaya
it was my 1st time visiting Surabaya, and my 1st time exploring cities together with Cindy (:
anyway it was fun

some issues happened
but then i hope i did not give too much burden for Cindy - what a drama, mel

anyway Jogja, as usual, nice city, nice atmosphere, nice everything
we tried Bakmi Shibitsu, known as a legendary fried noodle (to be exact Mie Jawa)

The famous Bakmi Shibitsu
as people say, the first bite makes you speechless.. you are overwhelmed by the richness of the seasonings.
the sweet soy sauce, the spices, sweet, salty, slight hotness from the chili embodies your tastebud (okay i am salivating, remembering the taste)
the mixture of rice vermicelli and noodle gives a great texture impact in your mouth
the noodle is chewy yet firm
the vermicelli is perfectly cooked, it is not soggy at all
since it is Mie Jawa, it is slightly watery, the broth was poured in cooking process, just a little bit to soften the noodles and give extra punch in the taste.
the cabbage is not overcooked, it is perfectly crisp and fresh
fried onion and sliced spring onion on top give another dimension of taste for this noodle
well actually you can eat this with chili padi served on table, but then this portion is spicy enough for me
overall it was a satisfying humble dinner with heavenly taste
usually i eat Mie Jawa in two different types: dry and wet
the dry one is more similar to friend noodle, it is just slightly sweeter than usual
the wet one is usually pretty soggy, we call it "nyemek", is a condition where the noodle absorbs the soup and creates a soggy-kind-of-dish, but it's not too soggy that the noodle still carries its firmness

Cindy ordered Nasi Goreng Shibitsu, which was not bad at all


we practically went to several culinary places, but we missed one particular famous place called Nasi Goreng Bringharjo
by the time we went there the place was still closed, the next day we could not go there as well because there was celebration of Tahun Baru Haji and it was traffic jam everywhere
so next time i go Jogja, I will definitely not miss that Nasi Goreng Bringharjo again!

next city we went to Surabaya, by train
we departed at 7am and reached Surabaya at 12noon
long trip, tiring as well because we got up so early yet we couldn't sleep in train since the man behind our seats was snoring all the way, creating a harmony between him and his friend
PERFECT

Surabaya, first impression: DAMN HOT, hotter than Jakarta in sunny day
i managed to drink bottles of water since i reached Surabaya
my lips cracked and my skin became ultimately dry
and after we had soto for our lunch, i was completely drenched in sweat *eew
from Surabaya we went straight to Malang
supposedly cooler, but it was not
still pretty hot
we went to cinema and watched PUSS IN BOOTS
hahahahaha!
the next day we went to Batu
we visited Batu Secret Zoo
(more pics soon, i haven't finished editing everything :p)
then stayed at Klub Bunga
sweet!
we spent our day like lazy people
sleeping, eating, playing
fun!
the next day we went back to Surabaya
we visited Museum of Sampoerna
pretty fun
too bad we couldn't take photograph of the process of making the cigarettes
(i will try to make the illustration later on)
but i bought 2 souvenirs (soon to be uploaded) *pinky swear

the overall trip is awesome!
visiting new city is awesome!
i'm planning to visit Bali again soon
let's hope it will come true! (:


happy night

meL

Friday, November 18, 2011

BIG BANG

today i am thinking about him a lot.
i keep checking my bbm contact to see if he's updating something.
but no, nothing.
i guess i just miss him?

ah, not again.

it is bad enough for me to occasionally thinking about him.

oh btw, i am currently in LOVE with this:



yeaaaahhh KOREAN BOYBAND! hahaha...
no, actually it is not the boyband stuff i currently in love with
the song
no, well...... i like the member as well :p
no harm right? ahahah

well this particular song caught my ears the first time i heard it
i thought it was the beat
or maybe miraculously the lyrics?
hell i don't know korean except for bibimbab, bulgogi, annyeonghaseyo 안녕하세요! hahahaha see the effect of visiting korean restaurants too much, and too much watching korean dramas? you get nothing but limited vocabs

well, actually after hundreds of replaying the song (and video) i finally checked out the lyrics
found out that it is about love, that has lost the spark between two people

purrrfect.

and how come my ears (brain?) are so well at picking good stuffs during hard times? :p
is it true that our mind is automatically understanding music that suits our mood/feeling?
perhaps.
i don't know
maybe it's just coincidentally clicked
maybe it's just coincidentally that my mood or brain wants to be entertained with certain tune
but couple times i encounter this kind of unfortunate fortunate music that suits my mood though i don't get the language in the first place

pretty cool eh?

and does anybody feel when we like a song so much, replaying it million times, it feels as if the song is getting faster to end?

in case you want to check 'em out BIG BANG
my personal fave one is T.O.P



oh anyway, lyrics are below:



Tonight such a beautiful night
sing with me now 2011 follow me
big bang big bang
we're back again one more time say

no way no way
너 무 쉽게 또 남이 돼
nomu swipge tto nami dwe
big bang big bang
don't stop let's play
ok ok go go go

나 미칠 것 같애
na michil got gate
아 마 지친 것 같애
ama jichin got gate
아냐 질린 것 같애
anya jillin got gate
벌 써 따분해 시시해
bolsso ttabunhe sisihe
한 여자로는 만족 못 하는
han yojaroneun manjok mot haneun

bad boy but I'm nice
안 넘어가고는 못 배길걸
an nomogagoneun mot begilgol
let me blow ya mind

언제부터였는지
onjebutoyonneunji
감 흥이 없어진 우리
gamheungi obsojin uri
이젠 마치 진 빠진
ijen machi jin ppajin
김 빠진 콜라같지
gim ppajin kollagatji
무감각해진 첫 느낌
mugamgakhejin chot neukkim
서로를 향한 곁눈질
sororeul hyanghan gyotnunjil
그깟 사랑에 난 목매지 않아
geukkat sarange nan mongaeji ana
Don't wanna try no more

너 를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝이 어딘지 모르겠지만 hey

kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

상처 날 이별이 무서워
sangcho nal ibyori musowo
so what so what
널 처음 만난 순간이 그리워
nol choeum mannan sun-gani geuriwo
no more no more
그저 아픔에 서툰 걸
geujo apeume sotun gol
난 피하고 싶은 걸
nan pihago sipeun gol
But You know that I love you
girl girl girl

질 질끄는 성격 say no
jiljilkkeuneun songgyok say no
차가운 입술로
chagaun ipsullo
널 얼어 붙게 하는 나나나
nol oro butge haneun nanana
Take ma soul take ma heart back
새로운 설레임 get that
seroun solleim get that
사랑 은 내게는 어울리지 않아
sarangeun negeneun oulliji ana

don't think too much it's simple

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝 이 어딘지는 모르겠지만 hey
kkeuchi odinjineun moreugetjiman hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

안녕이란 말의 슬픈 의미
annyongiran mar-eui seulpeun eui-mi
어두운 그림자는 가려지고
odu-un geurimjaneun garyojigo
내 마음 속 잊어버린
ne maeum sok ijoborin
너를 향한 나의 기억
noreul hyanghan naye giok

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
저 달빛아래로
jo dalbicharero
그 댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
oh 그대 오 baby
oh geude o baby
끝 이 어딘지 모르겠지만 hey
kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman hey
어딘지 몰라
odinji molla
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
사랑을 몰라 난
sarangeul molla nan

또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝이 어딘지 모르겠지만 goodnight
kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman goodnight


English Version
Tonight such a beautiful night sing with me now 2011 follow me
Big Bang Big Bang we’re back again one more time say
No way no way we become strangers again so easily
Big Bang Big Bang don’t stop let’s play Ok ok go go go

GD
I think I’m going to go crazy, I’m probably getting tired (why)
Nah, I think I’m just fed up, I’m already bored, you’re dull
I’m a bad boy that can’t be satisfied with one girl, but I’m nice
I’m not falling for you because I can’t stand it, let me blow ya mind

TOP
When did we start, start losing the spark between us
We’re like a drained cola that’s lost its fizz
The first feeling of going numb, glancing at each other sideways
I’m not hanging myself over such a love, don’t wanna try no more

Taeyang
I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love, pitifully alone once again, tonight

Seungri
I’m scared that these stars will hurt me (so what so what)
I miss the moment when I first met you (no more no more)
Bad when it comes to pain like that, I try to avoid it
But You know that I love you girl girl girl

Daesung
My personality to drag it out, say no, with cold lips, I-I-I freeze you

GD
Take ma soul take ma heart back a new excitement, get that
Love is not for me, don’t think too much it’s simple

Taeyang
I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love, pitifully alone once again, tonight

Taeyang and Daesung
The sad meaning behind the words “good bye” become covered by the dark shadows
My memories look towards you, who I have forgotten in my heart
I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me (below that moonlight)
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh (Oh you, oh baby) I don’t know where the end is but hey
(I don’t know where it is)
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love (Don’t understand love, I), pitifully alone once again, tonight
I look for you, oh-eh-oh (tonight), below that moonlight that illuminates me (such a beautiful night)
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but (good night)

Google #4

Thursday, November 17, 2011

wizzy, dizzy.

dua hari lalu baru aja operasi gigi bungsu (yeah after 5 years of excruciating headache and teethache)
setelah 5 tahun dipending karena trauma waktu operasi gigi bungsu yang bawah, akhirnya nyerah juga *lambai-lambai bendera putih*

selasa pagi nyokap gue belum kunjung booking si dentist..
okei... i thought i should do it by myself then.... (great i signed up for my own agony)
so i called the dentist and i got lucky 4pm appointment (yeppp straight ahead to surgery)
i had prepared myself long before the booking call, days, weeks..
but right after i made the phone call my knees were shaky hahahahaha....
my heart pounded like crazy and i had to sit in front of tv, stared blankly for couple of hours until i managed to rule myself out of the misery

so at around 2.30pm i took off
on my way to dentist
forgot my lunch completely and i felt hungry in car
so i ordered fillet o' fish and chicken nuggets from McD
(ruined my perfectly brushed teeth)

so i did not bother if i smelled like fish or chicken (or both)
so i stepped in the dentist, sit myself in waiting room, just prayed it would not be too long
3.30 the nurse called me in the room
told me to take 2 kinds of med, sit properly and started to put some kind of nappy around my neck, and handed in a glass of water to rinse my mouth and followed by a cap-full of mouthwash
i sat there for around 10-15mins since the dentist was doing another surgery in the next room
so he finally saw me
the first thing he said, "mel, berani?"
and i was hysterically laughing like a hyena
i told him "berani gak berani, here we go"
and he said "akhirnya yah, 5 tahun, gimana rasanya?"
i told him about my severe headache and teethache
and he said "i told you so"
and i was completely defenseless
i prayed to God pleaseeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeeeee make it quick or at least make it painless or at least make me STRONGER
since i was having tremor all over my body (just imagine a scaredly kitty)

oh, while i was waiting for the dentist to come and see me, i kept staring at those trays full of injection that really really looks like a nail gun HAHHAHAA (bad idea, i know), scalpels (EGAD), some metal stuffs i did not want to know
and i reminisced the time i was there 5 years ago, same room, same chair, same dentist, same situation, and gosh i felt the pain

so the dentist finally was ready to perform the surgery, he said, "siap mel?"
and i firmly said "SIAP" with all my heart..........(scared-kitty heart)
and then it began

the alcohol wipe around the mouth area
the injection (HELL YEAH INJECTION INTO THE BONE, GUM, AND vein i guess? for whatever it was, it felt like someone snaps your bone into several pieces)
the surgery began

left wizzy went pretty quick and well
right wizzy.....right.....
5 years ago my bottom right wizzy troubled me so much (well actually troubled the dentist as well) since it was so hard to be pulled out, the anesthesia perished, another injection into the opening gum and tooth right there....
IT HAPPENED AGAIN

so within less than 20 minutes the surgery was finally done
DONE!
the pain was like hell
honestly, i cried
cried like maniac
to be exact i was sobbing
man, the pain.....
i was alone (5 years back my mom was there)
sitting all by myself, sobbing like crazy in the waiting room (waiting for my little brother to finish his examination)
until the nurse finally gave me painkiller (EARLIER PLEASE?)

damn painkiller worked after 30mins
so i was happy jolly joy afterwards hahahaha....
so i went home, HAD MY PORRIDGE (i call it porridge-thon*)
took meds, struggled to brush my teeth (right, bleeding), and then went to bed

one thing that i am sure of right now
there won't be anymore wizzy surgery!
everything will be alright soon
i will get braces and my teeth will be perfect again
but surely no more tooth surgery! (:
i love my teeth, teeth i love you so please don't make up stupid things anymore!

cheers!

*porridge-thon or porride-marathon is those days when you eat porridge daily because you have to (sick, post-surgery, etc.)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

hello world

im not really good at expressing myself verbally.
i mean, i know how to speak to other people, how to share things, how to advice people
i tend to help people with different issues
but then when it's my turn to share mine, i usually skip things
not that i intend to
but it appears that i am not naturally born as a share-teller
when people ask about what i am feeling about my personal life
i usually become very tense and forgetful about important things i should say
and end up regret what i said earlier (i know, silly)

well maybe i am gifted with this ability to write better (maybe!)

but i do realize i complicate my sentences when it comes to questions of my personal life (verbally)
even myself don't understand what i am saying
it's just automatically i become dumb (well.... stupid?)

but it's not the point that i am writing this right now

how many people you know in life holding a secret?
deep dark secret?
as for me, i never tell this to many people
i tend not trusting people
but i just happen to observe several people in my life, who seem to know EVERYTHING
say things they say in social media (twitter, facebook, etc you name it)
but truth is, i don't really get some of them

Susanna: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 
has anybody seen the movie? GIRL, INTERRUPTED
well for those faint heart who prefers drama or comedy, skip this movie
it's a psychological movie that makes you see beyond
that life is not just lala land or cotton candy and rainbow
no, it is not.

for some people, hurting self or i shall say "committing suicide" are things that should be banned in someone's life like FOREVER
it should never ever exist in anyone's sane people's brain

but then here comes the question: WHAT IS SANITY?

san·i·ty/ˈsanitē/

Noun:
  1. The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.
  2. Reasonable and rational behavior.
then what is NORMAL?

nor·mal/ˈnôrməl/

Adjective:
Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Noun:
The usual, average, or typical state or condition.
Synonyms:
adjective.  regular - standard - ordinary - common - usual - natural
noun.  perpendicular

people define, classify other people with category, class, level, or whatsoever
putting every people into different boxes to make their life easier
but then who knows who is sane or insane?

am i insane just because i often think of hurting myself physically?
the act that i do does not, should not determine who i am, what i am.
just because by doing that i feel a slight relieve, then people can judge me as mentally interrupted?

i brave myself to share this just to show that sometimes different people handle things differently.
i am not proud with what i am doing, or with what i am, who i am.
i know it is not right to do
but then when you don't know what is wrong or what is right, the boundary blurs
slowly vanishing
it is not the act of giving up
it is not the act of surrendering
it is not the act of self-destructing

it is just a way of escaping self from what i called insane world

no, truthfully, insane people are not born insane
society turns them
people turns them
judgement turns them
category turns them
experience turns them

i am telling this not to support people with the thing i do
not to tell people to do what i do
not to encourage people to become what i am

i am telling this, to show that you cannot judge people from what they do or for who they are
because behind every smile there is pain left behind
behind every laughter there is a slight horrible memory
behind every joy there is traumatic event
it's not like everybody is growing older with joy, happiness, and laughter or smile all the way
some people grow older with tough experiences
some grow with strong memories in life

what we are now is what other people and every moment/event/experience shape us


i don't expect people to see me differently or think of me differently
i am still human being
i am pretty normal (put it aside when i act weird or when i am overly depressed)

big question: why do i share this now?
basically my answer would be: i have nothing left in my life that i can be proud of

truthfully, i just want to spill everything right here right now

i lost everything
my life, my love, friends, best friends

i am not sure whether i am overly stupid or it is just karma

i met this guy few months back
happened to be a life changing (i shall say turning point)
23 years old young me turned into a stupid dumb moron

i know i shouldn't do things i did back then
but i always know deep down in my heart, we can't control our feelings
when it comes to love, people become stupid day by day, right? (okay maybe it's just me)

so i admit, i fell in love with this particular person, which i shouldn't
i cheated
i cheated and i fell into my own game
who knew someone can be so lovable?
who knew someone can rock your world?
who knew someone can steal your heart?
who knew someone can break your heart?

to be honest, i never planned to fall in love with him, at all
but with him, i laughed my hardest laughter for the first time within 23 years
with him i had someone i share my dreams (which appeared to be OUR dreams) together
with him i had the best time of my life
with him i found who i am and what i want in life

until the day i lost 2 of my best friends

my stupidity conquered everything and i don't even know why did i fight with my bestfriend in life in the first place?
for Godsake she was like the other daughter of my mom
we share mom together
she was there when nobody cares about me or my shits
she was there when i need someone just to listen to what i say
practically she doesn't talk so much but it just means everything to me
you know the feeling when you are overly sad and you just want to babble things and have someone just sit and listen? she is that kind of perfect person to have
and now i lost her
funny story. no it's not actually.
that was my first cue of my life-turning-point-moment
i should've known but then i refused

then i lost the other best friend
for certain reasons i am hopeless
i don't want to fight back
i don't want to fight for her
i don't want to speak my mind
because i am just overly traumatic

at the same time i lost the man i thought i would be with
i thought he loved me but then he didn't

so what could i say?
explain to me the feeling of losing 3 most important people in your life at the same time?
i can't even describe the feeling i had at that moment
and i refuse to go back

i was at my lowest peak of life that i didn't even care if i was alive or dead

at the same time i had quarrel with my parents
i locked myself for days in my room
i refused to eat, to drink, to even leave my bed
i curled myself up every single day
i didn't speak
i didn't do anything but shut myself
i just prayed for God to just take me away

then that feeling came

i just thought maybe it was over
i prayed to God but it didn't get any better

every slit i made, made me feel better and better
funny thing, it didn't feel hurt at all
(well if you usually go through this you'd know what i mean)
seeing it bleeding just feel relieving
i smiled
and i laughed

i just figured the way to fix things up
(in a wrong way)
but then i had no other options
i had nobody to share
i had nobody to understand
i prayed every single time but i didn't feel any better

i made sketches on my notebook but those didn't help much
i made poems, didn't help much either

and hurting myself was the best solution

i am sharing this not to seek for a pity
or any sympathy
or trying to get everything back
no i am not.

i am sad, still sad couple of times
even nowadays i hate birthdays
hahaha...
figure it out

but then i can smile i can laugh
i do stupid things once or twice nowadays
but then it is okay being stupid (:

i miss everybody
i miss him
i miss her
i miss the other her
i miss my life back then

i want to make things right
but i, myself is no longer right, i am not the same person again
i shut myself sometimes
i curl up when i want to
i pray to God when i miss those people
i pray so they will have happiness and joy in life
so they will be blessed

basically i am strong
i don't really speak to anybody right now
i keep things down
i keep things inside
i sketch
i write
i make poem
i tweet
i tumblr

but then social media just keep hurting me day by day
so i seldom check in myself
i refuse to see the world

basically i have been travelling around
i travel a lot to let myself forget everything that you took away from me
maybe...
it's either i leave memory about you bit by bit in different places or i gather new memory to replace yours in my head
eitherway i am struggling... 

30th august 2011
28th september 2011
12th october 2011

those dates are the toughest ones in my life
the most bitter events i must go through but i managed to
all i did was pretending nothing ever happened
i never thought saying Happy Birthday would be that hard but it appeared to be
i even prepared myself not to get replies HAHAHAHAHAHA
but then here i am
alive
writing this
so yeah i am okay...

i am going to travel again soon ( :
i just wish all of them are in good shape, healthy, happy, and have someone better than i am
well i am sure about that
they are great people!

well, recently i have been encountering mellow moments (stupid radio and weather)
don't blame me for writing such dramatic post
blame the weather :p

good night world