Wednesday, August 31, 2011

it is PRESENT that counts.

If Only

If only there were more time, some say,
     heading a long list of regrets.
If only there could be more healing,
     more rectification,
     more love.

As if what could happen in the future or didn't happen in the past
     is more powerful than what is happening right now.

What can we do about the past?
Where is the past now?
And what about the future?
How can we do anything about that
     which doesn't yet exist?

If all you have is right now,
     why waste precious moments feeling regret?

If you've got something to say, say it now!
If you want more rectification, rectify now!
Of you want more love, love now!
Carol Orsbon

I was taken aback a while when I read through the poem
a cynical thought was flashing in my mind

the only question I ask myself;
"If it is so simple, then why can't I or most people I know can just let go of every burden and move forward like there is no past nor future?"
it's just a few days ago I laid in my bed for two days in a row like a dead fish
simply because I had enough with everything I have been going through
true that I was not strong enough to bear
true that I was so weak that I surrender to the fact that I was so sick with drama in my life
true, that I was not wise enough to go back to my bad old habit: self-harming

there is certain stage in our life, when you try so hard to do all the best you could have done
you try to follow every single step
you try to manage everything
you stop trying
you try again
you fall
you stand up
you fall again
and you just feel so tired

there comes one moment when you feel so small
yet you don't want people to look down on you or pity you
but you just want them to understand the state you are going through
no hard feeling
no that pathetic feeling
no self pitying
you just want to be learned
but simple nobody is there to fulfill what you need/want
then you begin to build wall, you build tower of resistance
you start to choose being strong
you start to numb your feeling in order to gain strength
you start to eliminate everything bad

the point is: you simplify things in order to get order. in order to get your LIFE back.

but then it's not that simple
there are stages
there are hurdles
obstacles, tears, sadness, drama
that you can't avoid and it's hurting you slowly and deeply

but in the end you get stronger, wiser, and smarter -- that..... if you survive of course

things get complicated when you make ones
thing gets complicated when it is related to other human beings
because you alone cannot manage it by yourself, cannot simply solve it by yourself
it involves other people's feeling, time, tear, everything AND relates those everything to YOU
thing becomes THINGS
everything becomes US/WE/OUR/OURS
and it is no longer simple because there are differences in attempt to solve things out

you are your best enemy
in order to solve everything, you have to begin with yourself first
it is not easy
I struggle every single time though
but then I get better in time

one thing I always keep in mind, there is no point in keeping my past: anything happened back then stay back then
but I do remember, cherish, respect, and appreciate good memories
I always try my best to appreciate every single person in my life, from my past that made me who I am today, this very moment
regardless of how they did back then, happiness or sadness, I absorb everything
no hard feeling, no revenge, no grudge
just simply a treasure box of memories
I do so because I learn that some people do or do not belong in my life
in the end I choose my circle of social life
those who only try to bring me down and bring sadness can simply be eliminated
not that I try to add list of enemies in life
I just want to have a balance and healthy life

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." 
Mae West