Thursday, May 26, 2016

How do you...

How do you mend a broken heart that you cause by yourself?

You keep saying it's not me, it's us.
But all I am hearing in my head is myself saying this is your fault.
Silly as it might sound, maybe you are right when you say I can never synchronize my heart with my mind.
And my mind is its evil twin.

But why does everytime my mind thinks about something, my heart reacts with synchronized pain or joy?
The worst fear I always have is when people fall out of love on me.
Especially people I love the most and those I thought would never fall out of love.
When I get married, that fear became stronger.
What ifs come along.
But because I thought it is you whom I married to, maybe it will be different.
After all these times, you never once made me feel like you go that path.

"You know you make me feel like I prefer stay in the office than coming home."
Is repeating in my head.
The moment you said it, my mind went blurry and muddy.
Perhaps you are wrong about my mind as the evil twin, because my heart chose to be hurt as hell, and my mind shut itself down.
Perhaps there is no evil twin.
Perhaps mind knows and understands what my heart is going through.
And usually it acts as an older brother, protects and reacts when heart is hurt.
Mind is defending heart.
But when heart is too much in pain, mind knows what to do, it protects heart from getting hurt even more.
Shut down and let heart pours its pain into tears and ache.

I wish you could be like my mind.
Knowing when to comfort me or when to fight back.
At least if you were one, that words would not be spilled.

Do you know how much it hurt me?
It hurts me twice, three times, or countless time worse than any scar I had received before?
Because you, who chose me and whom I chose, who I thought would never once have moment or chance to say such thing, appeared to do.
Because you, who I love the most, and I believe who supposed to love me as much, would never say such thing.

I know you don't mean harm.
You said you did not feel sorry because it is not what you meant.
But why did you chase after me?
Why did you bother to try to explain?
Because you care and love me?
Or because deep inside you know, you made a mistake?
Why do I feel you have so much pride since we said I do, as if I am not equal with you and have to always look up to you?
I feel vulnerable and hurt, but you said you gave me some time alone.
But is it really what I need after everything that just happened?
But with that given, I now feel I am worthless and unloved.
You will tell me I am wrong and I don't understand a bit you mean or say.
But I do, I just feel so much pain, I don't know what to do, say or believe anymore.
You once gave me hope.
You fulfill my dreams.
But at the same time you break my heart way worse than ever.
Because I put so much beliefs in you.
Because I put you on a pedestal in my heart.
Because I thought you are different.

You have jobs to do, I completely understand.
You have workload in mind, I still try to understand.
You choose to do fun thing with you office friends, I try so hard to understand.
I never for once complain or expect your appreciation for things I do for you and our home.
But with what I have been feeling lately, which you said it's partially my own fault, then hear you say such thing..
How do you expect me to react?
Do you expect me to still understand any reason you have behind it?
I know you did not do that and you chose to face me at home every single day.
But that is not the point.
The point is even during my worst behavior, never once I thought that way.
Even during the hardship and when things become worse between us, never once such thing comes to my mind.
Never once.

And to think about that, have I sacrificed my own feeling for you? For this relationship?
What do I expect from you and what do I want?
I thought I do know.
But now I don't.

What if after I change myself, things will not get better in time?
Will there still be something out of me that bother you and cause you to think that way again?

I'm sorry I hit you again today.
But my heart is so hurtful.
I feel like I have nobody but you, but you take me for granted...

You will tell me I'm wrong again.
But you never show me the right way to do.
I feel lost and despair.
But I don't know what's left in me.
Will I survive this as a whole human being?
Or will I shatter again like I once was.

What am I to you and who are you.....

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