Friday, November 18, 2011


today i am thinking about him a lot.
i keep checking my bbm contact to see if he's updating something.
but no, nothing.
i guess i just miss him?

ah, not again.

it is bad enough for me to occasionally thinking about him.

oh btw, i am currently in LOVE with this:

yeaaaahhh KOREAN BOYBAND! hahaha...
no, actually it is not the boyband stuff i currently in love with
the song
no, well...... i like the member as well :p
no harm right? ahahah

well this particular song caught my ears the first time i heard it
i thought it was the beat
or maybe miraculously the lyrics?
hell i don't know korean except for bibimbab, bulgogi, annyeonghaseyo 안녕하세요! hahahaha see the effect of visiting korean restaurants too much, and too much watching korean dramas? you get nothing but limited vocabs

well, actually after hundreds of replaying the song (and video) i finally checked out the lyrics
found out that it is about love, that has lost the spark between two people


and how come my ears (brain?) are so well at picking good stuffs during hard times? :p
is it true that our mind is automatically understanding music that suits our mood/feeling?
i don't know
maybe it's just coincidentally clicked
maybe it's just coincidentally that my mood or brain wants to be entertained with certain tune
but couple times i encounter this kind of unfortunate fortunate music that suits my mood though i don't get the language in the first place

pretty cool eh?

and does anybody feel when we like a song so much, replaying it million times, it feels as if the song is getting faster to end?

in case you want to check 'em out BIG BANG
my personal fave one is T.O.P

oh anyway, lyrics are below:

Tonight such a beautiful night
sing with me now 2011 follow me
big bang big bang
we're back again one more time say

no way no way
너 무 쉽게 또 남이 돼
nomu swipge tto nami dwe
big bang big bang
don't stop let's play
ok ok go go go

나 미칠 것 같애
na michil got gate
아 마 지친 것 같애
ama jichin got gate
아냐 질린 것 같애
anya jillin got gate
벌 써 따분해 시시해
bolsso ttabunhe sisihe
한 여자로는 만족 못 하는
han yojaroneun manjok mot haneun

bad boy but I'm nice
안 넘어가고는 못 배길걸
an nomogagoneun mot begilgol
let me blow ya mind

감 흥이 없어진 우리
gamheungi obsojin uri
이젠 마치 진 빠진
ijen machi jin ppajin
김 빠진 콜라같지
gim ppajin kollagatji
무감각해진 첫 느낌
mugamgakhejin chot neukkim
서로를 향한 곁눈질
sororeul hyanghan gyotnunjil
그깟 사랑에 난 목매지 않아
geukkat sarange nan mongaeji ana
Don't wanna try no more

너 를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝이 어딘지 모르겠지만 hey

kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

상처 날 이별이 무서워
sangcho nal ibyori musowo
so what so what
널 처음 만난 순간이 그리워
nol choeum mannan sun-gani geuriwo
no more no more
그저 아픔에 서툰 걸
geujo apeume sotun gol
난 피하고 싶은 걸
nan pihago sipeun gol
But You know that I love you
girl girl girl

질 질끄는 성격 say no
jiljilkkeuneun songgyok say no
차가운 입술로
chagaun ipsullo
널 얼어 붙게 하는 나나나
nol oro butge haneun nanana
Take ma soul take ma heart back
새로운 설레임 get that
seroun solleim get that
사랑 은 내게는 어울리지 않아
sarangeun negeneun oulliji ana

don't think too much it's simple

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝 이 어딘지는 모르겠지만 hey
kkeuchi odinjineun moreugetjiman hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

안녕이란 말의 슬픈 의미
annyongiran mar-eui seulpeun eui-mi
어두운 그림자는 가려지고
odu-un geurimjaneun garyojigo
내 마음 속 잊어버린
ne maeum sok ijoborin
너를 향한 나의 기억
noreul hyanghan naye giok

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
저 달빛아래로
jo dalbicharero
그 댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
oh 그대 오 baby
oh geude o baby
끝 이 어딘지 모르겠지만 hey
kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman hey
어딘지 몰라
odinji molla
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
아직 난 사랑을 몰라
ajik nan sarangeul molla
사랑을 몰라 난
sarangeul molla nan

또 홀로 가여운 이 밤
tto hollo gayoun i bam

너를 찾아서 오에오
noreul chajaso oeo
날 비춰주는 저 달빛아래로
nal bichwojuneun jo dalbicharero
그댈 찾아서 오에오오오
geudel chajaso oeooo
끝이 어딘지 모르겠지만 goodnight
kkeuchi odinji moreugetjiman goodnight

English Version
Tonight such a beautiful night sing with me now 2011 follow me
Big Bang Big Bang we’re back again one more time say
No way no way we become strangers again so easily
Big Bang Big Bang don’t stop let’s play Ok ok go go go

I think I’m going to go crazy, I’m probably getting tired (why)
Nah, I think I’m just fed up, I’m already bored, you’re dull
I’m a bad boy that can’t be satisfied with one girl, but I’m nice
I’m not falling for you because I can’t stand it, let me blow ya mind

When did we start, start losing the spark between us
We’re like a drained cola that’s lost its fizz
The first feeling of going numb, glancing at each other sideways
I’m not hanging myself over such a love, don’t wanna try no more

I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love, pitifully alone once again, tonight

I’m scared that these stars will hurt me (so what so what)
I miss the moment when I first met you (no more no more)
Bad when it comes to pain like that, I try to avoid it
But You know that I love you girl girl girl

My personality to drag it out, say no, with cold lips, I-I-I freeze you

Take ma soul take ma heart back a new excitement, get that
Love is not for me, don’t think too much it’s simple

I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but hey
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love, pitifully alone once again, tonight

Taeyang and Daesung
The sad meaning behind the words “good bye” become covered by the dark shadows
My memories look towards you, who I have forgotten in my heart
I look for you, oh-eh-oh, below that moonlight that illuminates me (below that moonlight)
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh (Oh you, oh baby) I don’t know where the end is but hey
(I don’t know where it is)
Tonight tonight tonight tonight
I still don’t understand love (Don’t understand love, I), pitifully alone once again, tonight
I look for you, oh-eh-oh (tonight), below that moonlight that illuminates me (such a beautiful night)
I look for you oh-eh-oh-oh-oh I don’t know where the end is but (good night)

Google #4

Thursday, November 17, 2011

wizzy, dizzy.

dua hari lalu baru aja operasi gigi bungsu (yeah after 5 years of excruciating headache and teethache)
setelah 5 tahun dipending karena trauma waktu operasi gigi bungsu yang bawah, akhirnya nyerah juga *lambai-lambai bendera putih*

selasa pagi nyokap gue belum kunjung booking si dentist..
okei... i thought i should do it by myself then.... (great i signed up for my own agony)
so i called the dentist and i got lucky 4pm appointment (yeppp straight ahead to surgery)
i had prepared myself long before the booking call, days, weeks..
but right after i made the phone call my knees were shaky hahahahaha....
my heart pounded like crazy and i had to sit in front of tv, stared blankly for couple of hours until i managed to rule myself out of the misery

so at around 2.30pm i took off
on my way to dentist
forgot my lunch completely and i felt hungry in car
so i ordered fillet o' fish and chicken nuggets from McD
(ruined my perfectly brushed teeth)

so i did not bother if i smelled like fish or chicken (or both)
so i stepped in the dentist, sit myself in waiting room, just prayed it would not be too long
3.30 the nurse called me in the room
told me to take 2 kinds of med, sit properly and started to put some kind of nappy around my neck, and handed in a glass of water to rinse my mouth and followed by a cap-full of mouthwash
i sat there for around 10-15mins since the dentist was doing another surgery in the next room
so he finally saw me
the first thing he said, "mel, berani?"
and i was hysterically laughing like a hyena
i told him "berani gak berani, here we go"
and he said "akhirnya yah, 5 tahun, gimana rasanya?"
i told him about my severe headache and teethache
and he said "i told you so"
and i was completely defenseless
i prayed to God pleaseeeeeee pleaseeeeeeeeeee make it quick or at least make it painless or at least make me STRONGER
since i was having tremor all over my body (just imagine a scaredly kitty)

oh, while i was waiting for the dentist to come and see me, i kept staring at those trays full of injection that really really looks like a nail gun HAHHAHAA (bad idea, i know), scalpels (EGAD), some metal stuffs i did not want to know
and i reminisced the time i was there 5 years ago, same room, same chair, same dentist, same situation, and gosh i felt the pain

so the dentist finally was ready to perform the surgery, he said, "siap mel?"
and i firmly said "SIAP" with all my heart..........(scared-kitty heart)
and then it began

the alcohol wipe around the mouth area
the injection (HELL YEAH INJECTION INTO THE BONE, GUM, AND vein i guess? for whatever it was, it felt like someone snaps your bone into several pieces)
the surgery began

left wizzy went pretty quick and well
right wizzy.....right.....
5 years ago my bottom right wizzy troubled me so much (well actually troubled the dentist as well) since it was so hard to be pulled out, the anesthesia perished, another injection into the opening gum and tooth right there....

so within less than 20 minutes the surgery was finally done
the pain was like hell
honestly, i cried
cried like maniac
to be exact i was sobbing
man, the pain.....
i was alone (5 years back my mom was there)
sitting all by myself, sobbing like crazy in the waiting room (waiting for my little brother to finish his examination)
until the nurse finally gave me painkiller (EARLIER PLEASE?)

damn painkiller worked after 30mins
so i was happy jolly joy afterwards hahahaha....
so i went home, HAD MY PORRIDGE (i call it porridge-thon*)
took meds, struggled to brush my teeth (right, bleeding), and then went to bed

one thing that i am sure of right now
there won't be anymore wizzy surgery!
everything will be alright soon
i will get braces and my teeth will be perfect again
but surely no more tooth surgery! (:
i love my teeth, teeth i love you so please don't make up stupid things anymore!


*porridge-thon or porride-marathon is those days when you eat porridge daily because you have to (sick, post-surgery, etc.)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

hello world

im not really good at expressing myself verbally.
i mean, i know how to speak to other people, how to share things, how to advice people
i tend to help people with different issues
but then when it's my turn to share mine, i usually skip things
not that i intend to
but it appears that i am not naturally born as a share-teller
when people ask about what i am feeling about my personal life
i usually become very tense and forgetful about important things i should say
and end up regret what i said earlier (i know, silly)

well maybe i am gifted with this ability to write better (maybe!)

but i do realize i complicate my sentences when it comes to questions of my personal life (verbally)
even myself don't understand what i am saying
it's just automatically i become dumb (well.... stupid?)

but it's not the point that i am writing this right now

how many people you know in life holding a secret?
deep dark secret?
as for me, i never tell this to many people
i tend not trusting people
but i just happen to observe several people in my life, who seem to know EVERYTHING
say things they say in social media (twitter, facebook, etc you name it)
but truth is, i don't really get some of them

Susanna: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 
has anybody seen the movie? GIRL, INTERRUPTED
well for those faint heart who prefers drama or comedy, skip this movie
it's a psychological movie that makes you see beyond
that life is not just lala land or cotton candy and rainbow
no, it is not.

for some people, hurting self or i shall say "committing suicide" are things that should be banned in someone's life like FOREVER
it should never ever exist in anyone's sane people's brain

but then here comes the question: WHAT IS SANITY?


  1. The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health.
  2. Reasonable and rational behavior.
then what is NORMAL?


Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
The usual, average, or typical state or condition.
adjective.  regular - standard - ordinary - common - usual - natural
noun.  perpendicular

people define, classify other people with category, class, level, or whatsoever
putting every people into different boxes to make their life easier
but then who knows who is sane or insane?

am i insane just because i often think of hurting myself physically?
the act that i do does not, should not determine who i am, what i am.
just because by doing that i feel a slight relieve, then people can judge me as mentally interrupted?

i brave myself to share this just to show that sometimes different people handle things differently.
i am not proud with what i am doing, or with what i am, who i am.
i know it is not right to do
but then when you don't know what is wrong or what is right, the boundary blurs
slowly vanishing
it is not the act of giving up
it is not the act of surrendering
it is not the act of self-destructing

it is just a way of escaping self from what i called insane world

no, truthfully, insane people are not born insane
society turns them
people turns them
judgement turns them
category turns them
experience turns them

i am telling this not to support people with the thing i do
not to tell people to do what i do
not to encourage people to become what i am

i am telling this, to show that you cannot judge people from what they do or for who they are
because behind every smile there is pain left behind
behind every laughter there is a slight horrible memory
behind every joy there is traumatic event
it's not like everybody is growing older with joy, happiness, and laughter or smile all the way
some people grow older with tough experiences
some grow with strong memories in life

what we are now is what other people and every moment/event/experience shape us

i don't expect people to see me differently or think of me differently
i am still human being
i am pretty normal (put it aside when i act weird or when i am overly depressed)

big question: why do i share this now?
basically my answer would be: i have nothing left in my life that i can be proud of

truthfully, i just want to spill everything right here right now

i lost everything
my life, my love, friends, best friends

i am not sure whether i am overly stupid or it is just karma

i met this guy few months back
happened to be a life changing (i shall say turning point)
23 years old young me turned into a stupid dumb moron

i know i shouldn't do things i did back then
but i always know deep down in my heart, we can't control our feelings
when it comes to love, people become stupid day by day, right? (okay maybe it's just me)

so i admit, i fell in love with this particular person, which i shouldn't
i cheated
i cheated and i fell into my own game
who knew someone can be so lovable?
who knew someone can rock your world?
who knew someone can steal your heart?
who knew someone can break your heart?

to be honest, i never planned to fall in love with him, at all
but with him, i laughed my hardest laughter for the first time within 23 years
with him i had someone i share my dreams (which appeared to be OUR dreams) together
with him i had the best time of my life
with him i found who i am and what i want in life

until the day i lost 2 of my best friends

my stupidity conquered everything and i don't even know why did i fight with my bestfriend in life in the first place?
for Godsake she was like the other daughter of my mom
we share mom together
she was there when nobody cares about me or my shits
she was there when i need someone just to listen to what i say
practically she doesn't talk so much but it just means everything to me
you know the feeling when you are overly sad and you just want to babble things and have someone just sit and listen? she is that kind of perfect person to have
and now i lost her
funny story. no it's not actually.
that was my first cue of my life-turning-point-moment
i should've known but then i refused

then i lost the other best friend
for certain reasons i am hopeless
i don't want to fight back
i don't want to fight for her
i don't want to speak my mind
because i am just overly traumatic

at the same time i lost the man i thought i would be with
i thought he loved me but then he didn't

so what could i say?
explain to me the feeling of losing 3 most important people in your life at the same time?
i can't even describe the feeling i had at that moment
and i refuse to go back

i was at my lowest peak of life that i didn't even care if i was alive or dead

at the same time i had quarrel with my parents
i locked myself for days in my room
i refused to eat, to drink, to even leave my bed
i curled myself up every single day
i didn't speak
i didn't do anything but shut myself
i just prayed for God to just take me away

then that feeling came

i just thought maybe it was over
i prayed to God but it didn't get any better

every slit i made, made me feel better and better
funny thing, it didn't feel hurt at all
(well if you usually go through this you'd know what i mean)
seeing it bleeding just feel relieving
i smiled
and i laughed

i just figured the way to fix things up
(in a wrong way)
but then i had no other options
i had nobody to share
i had nobody to understand
i prayed every single time but i didn't feel any better

i made sketches on my notebook but those didn't help much
i made poems, didn't help much either

and hurting myself was the best solution

i am sharing this not to seek for a pity
or any sympathy
or trying to get everything back
no i am not.

i am sad, still sad couple of times
even nowadays i hate birthdays
figure it out

but then i can smile i can laugh
i do stupid things once or twice nowadays
but then it is okay being stupid (:

i miss everybody
i miss him
i miss her
i miss the other her
i miss my life back then

i want to make things right
but i, myself is no longer right, i am not the same person again
i shut myself sometimes
i curl up when i want to
i pray to God when i miss those people
i pray so they will have happiness and joy in life
so they will be blessed

basically i am strong
i don't really speak to anybody right now
i keep things down
i keep things inside
i sketch
i write
i make poem
i tweet
i tumblr

but then social media just keep hurting me day by day
so i seldom check in myself
i refuse to see the world

basically i have been travelling around
i travel a lot to let myself forget everything that you took away from me
it's either i leave memory about you bit by bit in different places or i gather new memory to replace yours in my head
eitherway i am struggling... 

30th august 2011
28th september 2011
12th october 2011

those dates are the toughest ones in my life
the most bitter events i must go through but i managed to
all i did was pretending nothing ever happened
i never thought saying Happy Birthday would be that hard but it appeared to be
i even prepared myself not to get replies HAHAHAHAHAHA
but then here i am
writing this
so yeah i am okay...

i am going to travel again soon ( :
i just wish all of them are in good shape, healthy, happy, and have someone better than i am
well i am sure about that
they are great people!

well, recently i have been encountering mellow moments (stupid radio and weather)
don't blame me for writing such dramatic post
blame the weather :p

good night world