Thursday, May 26, 2016

How do you...

How do you mend a broken heart that you cause by yourself?

You keep saying it's not me, it's us.
But all I am hearing in my head is myself saying this is your fault.
Silly as it might sound, maybe you are right when you say I can never synchronize my heart with my mind.
And my mind is its evil twin.

But why does everytime my mind thinks about something, my heart reacts with synchronized pain or joy?
The worst fear I always have is when people fall out of love on me.
Especially people I love the most and those I thought would never fall out of love.
When I get married, that fear became stronger.
What ifs come along.
But because I thought it is you whom I married to, maybe it will be different.
After all these times, you never once made me feel like you go that path.

"You know you make me feel like I prefer stay in the office than coming home."
Is repeating in my head.
The moment you said it, my mind went blurry and muddy.
Perhaps you are wrong about my mind as the evil twin, because my heart chose to be hurt as hell, and my mind shut itself down.
Perhaps there is no evil twin.
Perhaps mind knows and understands what my heart is going through.
And usually it acts as an older brother, protects and reacts when heart is hurt.
Mind is defending heart.
But when heart is too much in pain, mind knows what to do, it protects heart from getting hurt even more.
Shut down and let heart pours its pain into tears and ache.

I wish you could be like my mind.
Knowing when to comfort me or when to fight back.
At least if you were one, that words would not be spilled.

Do you know how much it hurt me?
It hurts me twice, three times, or countless time worse than any scar I had received before?
Because you, who chose me and whom I chose, who I thought would never once have moment or chance to say such thing, appeared to do.
Because you, who I love the most, and I believe who supposed to love me as much, would never say such thing.

I know you don't mean harm.
You said you did not feel sorry because it is not what you meant.
But why did you chase after me?
Why did you bother to try to explain?
Because you care and love me?
Or because deep inside you know, you made a mistake?
Why do I feel you have so much pride since we said I do, as if I am not equal with you and have to always look up to you?
I feel vulnerable and hurt, but you said you gave me some time alone.
But is it really what I need after everything that just happened?
But with that given, I now feel I am worthless and unloved.
You will tell me I am wrong and I don't understand a bit you mean or say.
But I do, I just feel so much pain, I don't know what to do, say or believe anymore.
You once gave me hope.
You fulfill my dreams.
But at the same time you break my heart way worse than ever.
Because I put so much beliefs in you.
Because I put you on a pedestal in my heart.
Because I thought you are different.

You have jobs to do, I completely understand.
You have workload in mind, I still try to understand.
You choose to do fun thing with you office friends, I try so hard to understand.
I never for once complain or expect your appreciation for things I do for you and our home.
But with what I have been feeling lately, which you said it's partially my own fault, then hear you say such thing..
How do you expect me to react?
Do you expect me to still understand any reason you have behind it?
I know you did not do that and you chose to face me at home every single day.
But that is not the point.
The point is even during my worst behavior, never once I thought that way.
Even during the hardship and when things become worse between us, never once such thing comes to my mind.
Never once.

And to think about that, have I sacrificed my own feeling for you? For this relationship?
What do I expect from you and what do I want?
I thought I do know.
But now I don't.

What if after I change myself, things will not get better in time?
Will there still be something out of me that bother you and cause you to think that way again?

I'm sorry I hit you again today.
But my heart is so hurtful.
I feel like I have nobody but you, but you take me for granted...

You will tell me I'm wrong again.
But you never show me the right way to do.
I feel lost and despair.
But I don't know what's left in me.
Will I survive this as a whole human being?
Or will I shatter again like I once was.

What am I to you and who are you.....

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Marriage Life 101!


My last post was in April 2015, in which I was already engaged and preparing my wedding and now I am married (officially and finally).

What is the big deal of getting married anyway?
Why marriage seems like the last destination in people's head when we are getting older?
Is it really the last destination?
Is it true when people say marriage is like you are losing your freedom and yourself?
Because you are no longer a single human being, but two becomes one?
Is it true when men are so afraid with the commitment, thus they are afraid of marriage?
Is it true when people are so scared of getting married equals to commitment issue?
Well I am no expert, my marriage has been just 8 months old, but so much I have learned, so much I have changed along these past 8 months.

Many people ask me, by many I mean MOST PEOPLE, ask me how does life after marriage?
Well to me, life does not change that much.
I am still me, the old me, do things I do daily: work, play, have fun, go out with friends.
The differences are just: ring on my finger, wake up and go to bed with a man in my bed (which is pretty bizarre since I spent almost 27 years of my life sleeping alone), I have to do house chores more since I moved out from my parent's house, and I am a happier woman (: (oh should I count that I do laundry for men clothes now?)
The rest of my life is pretty much the same, we go out on dates, we shop groceries together, we go out for dinner, and we still go out to mall or other places walking hand in hand.
The other things that are new to me are: people questioning when will I be expecting, when I am not with my husband people ask where is he and why did not he come with me, and another common one is where do we stay right now.

To me, first few months were another level of hell.
Why so?
I do not know about other married couples, but we fought a lot and most issues were silly stuffs.
Mostly I think it was adaptation phase between two human beings with two different (family) backgrounds or lifestyles.
Like how my husband used to let the exhaust/bathroom light on.
To me it is a big NO since I am an energy saving freak.
I would say it used to be a trigger, or an initial issue that overlapped with another.
Like a snowball, things turned worse and we met hardship, thus we shout to each other and made things even worse.
But then we carried something from our dating phase relationship, one thing that we will never throw away; our ability to addressing elephant in the room and find solution.
I think it is our strong suit as a couple, no matter what we never want to go to bed mad to each other.
And we always remember our wedding vow, no matter what we are one and we shall walk together until the end of time.
Cliche as it sounds, to me, it is the key to a healthy and strong relationship. Married or not just yet.

What's hard for me is to adapt how to stay mad with the person who annoys you nearby.
Well our house is so small that even when you stay inside bedroom and he is outside, you can hear his breathing and when you are mad, believe me, his presence is the most annoying thing in the world at that very moment and I am tortured.
I cannot think clear and I cannot calm myself.
Then you have to deal with household, like cooking for the two of you.
What happens when you cook while you mad?
Well bad things happen.
Slowly but sure, I manage to adjust and manage myself to adapt with the situation.
Well we must take baby steps until we are full grown, right?

There was time when I thought I could not take anything anymore.
We fought constantly for days, continuously. Nonstop.
I am tired. He is tired.
I am overwhelmed with stuffs.
He is overworked himself.
We fight.
I am tired of explaining myself and expecting him to understand.
He is tired hearing my shouting voice and reluctant to make amend.
Well basically love turns into war.
I wanted to run away.
I wanted to say it is over.
I wanted to say how I hate this man so much.
I wanted to give up.
But then I realised one thing.
We get married, not to become somebody else we were not.
Not to become someone that our loved one likes or wants.
Not to lose ourselves.
Not to lose our freedom.
Not to lose parts of ourselves.
And most importantly not to lose our life.
We decide to get married because we love that special one and we want to share our life, our love with them.
To raise a family.
To build a home.
And most certain not to lose our freedom to live life we want, because we choose to stay our relationship and to move it further.
When we are married, we are not bound by our wedding vows.
Not be bound by our religion rules --til death do us part.
Not to be bound by a piece of marriage certificate.
Not to be bound by these rings.
When we are married, we have option, we have freedom, we have chance to run away or stay, to walk away alone or move forward together.
When we are married, we still have choice to stay or go, but we choose to stay, because we want to fight for whatever we initially started.

When people say their lives are taken away because of marriage or their spouse or their kids, I can safely say, they are jerks.
You chose your love in the first place, what makes you think somebody done you wrong and turn your life around, when you, yourself, was aware with your own choice.
That kind of bullshit, I often hear, people regret their decision.
Well, suck it up because you play the game without knowing the rules and judge the game is bad because you are suck at it. Or blame the other players.
To me personally, the key is to understand, some things are meant to be accepted, not understood.
Reflect to yourself and talk. Communication is your bff.
As my husband always say, happy wife, happy life.
True to that, happy husband = happy wife = happy life (:
Make each other happy, it is a never-ending effort. Lifetime.


Monday, April 20, 2015


I believe that whatever someone feels, somewhere in another part of the world,a person feels that exact feeling. It means you never feel alone.

But no matter what, when you cry, you know you cry by yourself.
And all of sudden you feel so lonely and as if the world is sinking.

You feel like you have done all you could to make someone happy.
You changed your worst to the best you could, at least better.
But you reach one point where you feel only bitterness.
Like all you've done means nothing.
And you don't even know what you have left to offer.

Have you ever felt so broken that you start wondering if your shattered heart could ever be whole again?
You feel alive but you're barely breathing, you're choking each time you remember a particular person or memory.

You feel the angst inside is raging, but there is nothing you can do.
You don't have reason to react.
You don't have the fuel to channel the feeling inside.
All you know is you're broken and you don't feel you don't deserve to be loved.
Even if you do, who is gonna love you the way you needed?

You begin to feel worthless, as if you have zero reason to be alive.
All the purposes you thought you were are all gone and you are left with hopeless feeling.
And it is not pleasant at all.

I don't know what about other people feel, but I always feel being left is always harder than to leave.
To leave, you have every reason to do it.
Either it's a decision, an anger, a bursting tears, a broken heart.
But to be left, you barely have choice.
The only option you got is to survive.
And even surviving is not easy when you feel you don't need one.

So many times I decide to hold my tongue, don't want to start another argument.
But I am so trained to speak every time I have something in mind and that's bothering me.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I have to do is to suck things up.
It's easier to spill or do something and regret it and to say sorry afterwards, than to fix a broken person.
I sometimes wonder, how many times a person can be broken until they cannot handle and end up self-destroy?
How big a person's heart until they can no longer forgive and forget?
And how patience a person is until they can't handle one sided communication? As if they forget how to speak a language and lost their mind to get their feelings acrossed?

Then things seem so familiar, like you have been there before and it starts to scare you.
The what if's begin to creep in.
Have you ever felt a familiar broken hearted feeling?
Like you once felt that way, got through but now you begin to feel it again?
You're so scared you have to feel everything all over again?
When you remember it clearly you didn't do well at fixing yourself back then?
You start to wonder, are you even stronger now? Or weaker?
And you begin to question why does it always happen to you?
When all you ever wanted is just to be loved.