Monday, December 12, 2011

i have a name.

you know what hurts?
the fact that people, most people are only care about you when you are happy and cheer up
and when you are in your lowest state of everything
feeling pain
they just don't really care

care  (kâr)n.1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities; worry.
2. Mental suffering; grief.
3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: the many cares of a working parent.4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: handled the crystal bowl with care.5.a. Close attention; painstaking application: painting the window frames and sashes with care.b. Upkeep; maintenance: a product for the care of fine floors; hair care products.6. Watchful oversight; charge or supervision: left the child in the care of a neighbor.7. Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need: a hospital that provides emergency care.v. caredcar·ingcaresv.intr.1. To be concerned or interested: Once inside, we didn't care whether it rained or not.2. To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: cared for the wounded; caring for an aged relative at home.3. To object or mind: If no one cares, I'll smoke.4.a. To have a liking or attachment: didn't care for the movie.b. To have a wish; be inclined: Would you care for another helping? To wish; desire: Would you care to dance?2. To be concerned to the degree of: I don't care a bit what critics think.

it doesn't take much to care about someone
you don't have to be the smartest people on earth
you don't have to understand the meaning of it via dictionary
you don't have to know that someone so much
you don't have to ask yourself why
you don't have to question the reason why
you don't have to work your ass off
you don't have to sweat yourself
you don't have to die
you don't have to struggle
you don't have to cry out loud for Godsake
you don't have to ask million questions in regards to
you just have to have HEART
and every human being has one.
so what makes you stop or unable to care for someone?

first time is a mistake
second time is a choice

i don't know why some people enter my life just to hurt me in the end
i always keep my door open
maybe i'm just stupid
they say when you are in love it's like drinking beer, get too much of it and get more stupid each time.
but who knows i would fall in too deep
who knows i would fall with (another) wrong person?

as i recall, never once i call people with names
when someone act bad do i call them by names?
i tell them what's wrong but i don't judge
because i know that's just mistake people do

do i expect so much?
oh wait, do i expect anything in the first place
well maybe i do.
life is full of expectations
you can say "let's not expect"
but then it's another expectation as well

it's human nature to expect something

i always hate the beginning of every relationship
do you know why?
because every beginning is the sweetest among all
the sweetest moment
i shall say "fake" one
two people meet
being nice to each other because you don't know who is who
then the relationship develops
higher level, higher risk, higher stake
you begin to know each other
still, it's a fake one
you might get upset over certain thing
then what?
you can't be angry with the other person just for the sake you don't really know that person very well
you swallow everything
well, suck it up basically..
then when the relationship is getting deeper
you begin to argue basically stuffs
stuffs that mainly not appear in the first place
then the thing is, it's either one of you get tired of DRAMA or IMBALANCED EMOTIONAL STATE
then nobody wants to eliminate their egos
or maybe one of you begin to beg, plead, say millions of sorry
just because one of you is afraid to lose the other person
but then it's another level of expectation

you know what sucks?
being me sucks
being such a drama queen sucks
being such a person with imbalanced emotional state sucks
being such a fool sucks
being such a stupid person sucks
being such an idiot sucks
being such a loser sucks
being such a person who is easily disposable sucks
being such a rubbish sucks
being such a pain in the ass sucks
being such a burden sucks
being a person with so much extra luggage and burdens sucks
being a person that seems more like a commodity that can be easily chosen or discarded sucks!!!

do i care about other people's feeling up to this moment?
i do.
do i care about what other think about me?
i do.
do i care about what people judge me with or give me names?
i do.
do i care about people's happiness?
i still do.
do people care about me?
am i sad?
do i think of hurting myself?
no. to certain extend that it's not for me i hurt myself, it's for other people who don't worth my blood and tears.
do i think of disappearing?
do i wish for people would care for me?
do i ask people to care for me?
why do i have to when they are around me all the time when i am fine?

so the conclusion is people only care for you when you are perfectly fine, okay, minor emotional state.
most people don't know how to react
most people just plain don't care
most people don't have any idea
most people don't give a f*ck

when people ask "what's wrong"
and you start blabbering, what makes you think they care?
no, they usually catch phrases or main words
and usually the final reply: "be patient" or "you're gonna be okay" or "i'm sorry to hear that"
the most obvious possible respond they'd think you're weird
they'd think you're abnormal (are you, yourself anyway?)
they'd think something's wrong with you
they'd judge
they'd call you names
they'd get upset eventually
they'd just go away

basically what i need is just someone come to me, hug me, and tell me "it's okay being like this, just get over it soon and be happy again"