hello world

im not really good at expressing myself verbally.
i mean, i know how to speak to other people, how to share things, how to advice people
i tend to help people with different issues
but then when it's my turn to share mine, i usually skip things
not that i intend to
but it appears that i am not naturally born as a share-teller
when people ask about what i am feeling about my personal life
i usually become very tense and forgetful about important things i should say
and end up regret what i said earlier (i know, silly)

well maybe i am gifted with this ability to write better (maybe!)

but i do realize i complicate my sentences when it comes to questions of my personal life (verbally)
even myself don't understand what i am saying
it's just automatically i become dumb (well.... stupid?)

but it's not the point that i am writing this right now

how many people you know in life holding a secret?
deep dark secret?
as for me, i never tell this to many people
i tend not trusting people
but i just happen to observe several people in my life, who seem to know EVERYTHING
say things they say in social media (twitter, facebook, etc you name it)
but truth is, i don't really get some of them

Susanna: I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside. 

has anybody seen the movie? GIRL, INTERRUPTED
well for those faint heart who prefers drama or comedy, skip this movie
it's a psychological movie that makes you see beyond
that life is not just lala land or cotton candy and rainbow
no, it is not.

for some people, hurting self or i shall say "committing suicide" are things that should be banned in someone's life like FOREVER
it should never ever exist in anyone's sane people's brain

but then here comes the question: WHAT IS SANITY?

san·i·ty/ˈsanitē/

Noun:

The ability to think and behave in a normal and rational manner; sound mental health. Reasonable and rational behavior.

then what is NORMAL?

nor·mal/ˈnôrməl/

Adjective:	Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.
Noun:	The usual, average, or typical state or condition.
Synonyms:	adjective.  regular - standard - ordinary - common - usual - natural noun.  perpendicular

people define, classify other people with category, class, level, or whatsoever
putting every people into different boxes to make their life easier
but then who knows who is sane or insane?

am i insane just because i often think of hurting myself physically?
the act that i do does not, should not determine who i am, what i am.
just because by doing that i feel a slight relieve, then people can judge me as mentally interrupted?

i brave myself to share this just to show that sometimes different people handle things differently.
i am not proud with what i am doing, or with what i am, who i am.
i know it is not right to do
but then when you don't know what is wrong or what is right, the boundary blurs
slowly vanishing
it is not the act of giving up
it is not the act of surrendering
it is not the act of self-destructing

it is just a way of escaping self from what i called insane world

no, truthfully, insane people are not born insane
society turns them
people turns them
judgement turns them
category turns them
experience turns them

i am telling this not to support people with the thing i do
not to tell people to do what i do
not to encourage people to become what i am

i am telling this, to show that you cannot judge people from what they do or for who they are
because behind every smile there is pain left behind
behind every laughter there is a slight horrible memory
behind every joy there is traumatic event
it's not like everybody is growing older with joy, happiness, and laughter or smile all the way
some people grow older with tough experiences
some grow with strong memories in life

what we are now is what other people and every moment/event/experience shape us


i don't expect people to see me differently or think of me differently
i am still human being
i am pretty normal (put it aside when i act weird or when i am overly depressed)

big question: why do i share this now?
basically my answer would be: i have nothing left in my life that i can be proud of

truthfully, i just want to spill everything right here right now

i lost everything
my life, my love, friends, best friends

i am not sure whether i am overly stupid or it is just karma

i met this guy few months back
happened to be a life changing (i shall say turning point)
23 years old young me turned into a stupid dumb moron

i know i shouldn't do things i did back then
but i always know deep down in my heart, we can't control our feelings
when it comes to love, people become stupid day by day, right? (okay maybe it's just me)

so i admit, i fell in love with this particular person, which i shouldn't
i cheated
i cheated and i fell into my own game
who knew someone can be so lovable?
who knew someone can rock your world?
who knew someone can steal your heart?
who knew someone can break your heart?

to be honest, i never planned to fall in love with him, at all
but with him, i laughed my hardest laughter for the first time within 23 years
with him i had someone i share my dreams (which appeared to be OUR dreams) together
with him i had the best time of my life
with him i found who i am and what i want in life

until the day i lost 2 of my best friends

my stupidity conquered everything and i don't even know why did i fight with my bestfriend in life in the first place?
for Godsake she was like the other daughter of my mom
we share mom together
she was there when nobody cares about me or my shits
she was there when i need someone just to listen to what i say
practically she doesn't talk so much but it just means everything to me
you know the feeling when you are overly sad and you just want to babble things and have someone just sit and listen? she is that kind of perfect person to have
and now i lost her
funny story. no it's not actually.
that was my first cue of my life-turning-point-moment
i should've known but then i refused

then i lost the other best friend
for certain reasons i am hopeless
i don't want to fight back
i don't want to fight for her
i don't want to speak my mind
because i am just overly traumatic

at the same time i lost the man i thought i would be with
i thought he loved me but then he didn't

so what could i say?
explain to me the feeling of losing 3 most important people in your life at the same time?
i can't even describe the feeling i had at that moment
and i refuse to go back

i was at my lowest peak of life that i didn't even care if i was alive or dead

at the same time i had quarrel with my parents
i locked myself for days in my room
i refused to eat, to drink, to even leave my bed
i curled myself up every single day
i didn't speak
i didn't do anything but shut myself
i just prayed for God to just take me away

then that feeling came

i just thought maybe it was over
i prayed to God but it didn't get any better

every slit i made, made me feel better and better
funny thing, it didn't feel hurt at all
(well if you usually go through this you'd know what i mean)
seeing it bleeding just feel relieving
i smiled
and i laughed

i just figured the way to fix things up
(in a wrong way)
but then i had no other options
i had nobody to share
i had nobody to understand
i prayed every single time but i didn't feel any better

i made sketches on my notebook but those didn't help much
i made poems, didn't help much either

and hurting myself was the best solution

i am sharing this not to seek for a pity
or any sympathy
or trying to get everything back
no i am not.

i am sad, still sad couple of times
even nowadays i hate birthdays
hahaha...
figure it out

but then i can smile i can laugh
i do stupid things once or twice nowadays
but then it is okay being stupid (:

i miss everybody
i miss him
i miss her
i miss the other her
i miss my life back then

i want to make things right
but i, myself is no longer right, i am not the same person again
i shut myself sometimes
i curl up when i want to
i pray to God when i miss those people
i pray so they will have happiness and joy in life
so they will be blessed

basically i am strong
i don't really speak to anybody right now
i keep things down
i keep things inside
i sketch
i write
i make poem
i tweet
i tumblr

but then social media just keep hurting me day by day
so i seldom check in myself
i refuse to see the world

basically i have been travelling around

i travel a lot to let myself forget everything that you took away from me

maybe...

it's either i leave memory about you bit by bit in different places or i gather new memory to replace yours in my head

eitherway i am struggling... 

30th august 2011
28th september 2011
12th october 2011

those dates are the toughest ones in my life
the most bitter events i must go through but i managed to
all i did was pretending nothing ever happened
i never thought saying Happy Birthday would be that hard but it appeared to be
i even prepared myself not to get replies HAHAHAHAHAHA
but then here i am
alive
writing this
so yeah i am okay...

i am going to travel again soon ( :
i just wish all of them are in good shape, healthy, happy, and have someone better than i am
well i am sure about that
they are great people!

well, recently i have been encountering mellow moments (stupid radio and weather)
don't blame me for writing such dramatic post
blame the weather :p

good night world