Marriage Life 101!

I AM MARRIED!

My last post was in April 2015, in which I was already engaged and preparing my wedding and now I am married (officially and finally).

What is the big deal of getting married anyway?
Why marriage seems like the last destination in people's head when we are getting older?
Is it really the last destination?
Is it true when people say marriage is like you are losing your freedom and yourself?
Because you are no longer a single human being, but two becomes one?
Is it true when men are so afraid with the commitment, thus they are afraid of marriage?
Is it true when people are so scared of getting married equals to commitment issue?
Well I am no expert, my marriage has been just 8 months old, but so much I have learned, so much I have changed along these past 8 months.

Many people ask me, by many I mean MOST PEOPLE, ask me how does life after marriage?
Well to me, life does not change that much.
I am still me, the old me, do things I do daily: work, play, have fun, go out with friends.
The differences are just: ring on my finger, wake up and go to bed with a man in my bed (which is pretty bizarre since I spent almost 27 years of my life sleeping alone), I have to do house chores more since I moved out from my parent's house, and I am a happier woman (: (oh should I count that I do laundry for men clothes now?)
The rest of my life is pretty much the same, we go out on dates, we shop groceries together, we go out for dinner, and we still go out to mall or other places walking hand in hand.
The other things that are new to me are: people questioning when will I be expecting, when I am not with my husband people ask where is he and why did not he come with me, and another common one is where do we stay right now.

To me, first few months were another level of hell.
Why so?
I do not know about other married couples, but we fought a lot and most issues were silly stuffs.
Mostly I think it was adaptation phase between two human beings with two different (family) backgrounds or lifestyles.
Like how my husband used to let the exhaust/bathroom light on.
To me it is a big NO since I am an energy saving freak.
I would say it used to be a trigger, or an initial issue that overlapped with another.
Like a snowball, things turned worse and we met hardship, thus we shout to each other and made things even worse.
But then we carried something from our dating phase relationship, one thing that we will never throw away; our ability to addressing elephant in the room and find solution.
I think it is our strong suit as a couple, no matter what we never want to go to bed mad to each other.
And we always remember our wedding vow, no matter what we are one and we shall walk together until the end of time.
Cliche as it sounds, to me, it is the key to a healthy and strong relationship. Married or not just yet.

What's hard for me is to adapt how to stay mad with the person who annoys you nearby.
Well our house is so small that even when you stay inside bedroom and he is outside, you can hear his breathing and when you are mad, believe me, his presence is the most annoying thing in the world at that very moment and I am tortured.
I cannot think clear and I cannot calm myself.
Then you have to deal with household, like cooking for the two of you.
What happens when you cook while you mad?
Well bad things happen.
Slowly but sure, I manage to adjust and manage myself to adapt with the situation.
Well we must take baby steps until we are full grown, right?

There was time when I thought I could not take anything anymore.
We fought constantly for days, continuously. Nonstop.
I am tired. He is tired.
I am overwhelmed with stuffs.
He is overworked himself.
Stress.
Tired.
We fight.
I am tired of explaining myself and expecting him to understand.
He is tired hearing my shouting voice and reluctant to make amend.
Well basically love turns into war.
I wanted to run away.
I wanted to say it is over.
I wanted to say how I hate this man so much.
I wanted to give up.
But then I realised one thing.
We get married, not to become somebody else we were not.
Not to become someone that our loved one likes or wants.
Not to lose ourselves.
Not to lose our freedom.
Not to lose parts of ourselves.
And most importantly not to lose our life.
We decide to get married because we love that special one and we want to share our life, our love with them.
To raise a family.
To build a home.
And most certain not to lose our freedom to live life we want, because we choose to stay our relationship and to move it further.
When we are married, we are not bound by our wedding vows.
Not be bound by our religion rules --til death do us part.
Not to be bound by a piece of marriage certificate.
Not to be bound by these rings.
When we are married, we have option, we have freedom, we have chance to run away or stay, to walk away alone or move forward together.
When we are married, we still have choice to stay or go, but we choose to stay, because we want to fight for whatever we initially started.

When people say their lives are taken away because of marriage or their spouse or their kids, I can safely say, they are jerks.
You chose your love in the first place, what makes you think somebody done you wrong and turn your life around, when you, yourself, was aware with your own choice.
That kind of bullshit, I often hear, people regret their decision.
Well, suck it up because you play the game without knowing the rules and judge the game is bad because you are suck at it. Or blame the other players.
To me personally, the key is to understand, some things are meant to be accepted, not understood.
Reflect to yourself and talk. Communication is your bff.
As my husband always say, happy wife, happy life.
True to that, happy husband = happy wife = happy life (:
Make each other happy, it is a never-ending effort. Lifetime.

Cheers,
mel

differential.

Hello, udah berapa lama saya gak update blog ini ya?
Post terakhir di 2013. Dua tahun yang lalu. WOW!

Trust me, a lot of things happened in two years!

Mungkin saya gak pantes nulis post yang satu ini, atau mungkin banyak orang gak setuju sama apa yang mau saya tulis.
Tapi intinya disini, saya mau sharing apa yang selama ini saya rasain dan selalu jadi ganjelan di hati setiap kali issue ini muncul di hidup saya.
Saya gak ada maksud untuk menyinggung kalangan manapun atau menunjuk siapapun yang mungkin merasa "Kok ini orang kayak ngomongin saya?"
Point saya tulis apa yang nanti saya tulis bukan menunjuk pada masalah general yang jadi momok di lingkungan kita hidup, tapi yang jadi inti permasalahan adalah kenapa issue general itu selalu dihubung-hubungkan sama issue utama dari cerita saya.

Koin aja punya dua sisi, setiap cerita pasti ada dua sisi berbeda, dan ini sisi dari saya...

I am getting married.
Yes. Very soon.
And by very soon, it means I have to take care of all files in order for me to get legally married.

Karena berhubung agama saya Katolik, jadi ada serangkaian berkas yang harus saya urus, baik itu ke gereja atau juga ke ketua lingkungan dimana saya tinggal.
Dalam Katolik, dimanapun kita berdomisili, disitu pasti ada perkumpulan atau grup umat gereja di Paroki tersebut (baca: di lingkungan dimana kita tinggal pasti ada gereja terdekat, dan itu adalah pusatnya) yang tugasnya membantu umat sekitar untuk urusan berkas gereja, koordinasi acara, dan lain-lain.

Mungkin udah keliatan kemana arah cerita saya menuju ya?

Waktu saya urus berkas-berkas, muncul sebuah wacana yang gak pernah ada habisnya muncul terus dalam hidup saya.
Sebenarnya saya gak pernah take it seriously, atau ngerasa offended by it, atau juga tersinggung karena orang bring up issue ini.
Tapi selalu bikin saya mikir, kenapa beberapa kalangan orang selalu bikin hal ini jadi major issue dalam hidup mereka (setidaknya dari cara mereka bicara terkesan benar-benar against sama hal ini).
Nah dari major issue ini terus bercabang deh jadi beberapa issue yang menurut saya selalu dikait-kaitkan satu sama lain.
Saya gak pernah bilang salah atau benar, karena buat saya, saya gak pusingin hidup orang lain. Tapi karena kebetulan di dalam lingkup keluarga saya banyak yang kasusnya sama, issue ini nyentil saya banget.

Major issue disini adalah agama.
Sub-majornya yang pertama adalah perbedaan agama.

Saya pernah di posisi dimana saya punya hubungan sama orang yang beda agama dari saya.
Orang bilang kalau orang beda agama biasanya gak bertahan lama, atau kedepannya gak akan mulus/berakhir dengan baik, kalaupun ada, pasti rare case sekali dan bisa dihitung jari.
Terus orang bilang kalau beda agama urusnya sulit di Indonesia (ini bener).
Terus orang juga bilang kalau maksa nikah beda agama, nantinya bisa ribut gara-gara urusan agama itu.
Bla bla bla.
Kalau mau dikasih contoh bisa sampai besok gak habis saya tulis.
Kalau menurut saya, beda agama terus so what?
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah.
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah karena pengurusannya yang sulit dan dipersulit.
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah karena berpikir ke depannya bakal jadi problem dalam kehidupan mereka berdua.
Agama dijadiin issue buat gak jadi sama orang yang bener-bener kita sayang, itu masalah.

Saya gak bilang orang yang pindah agama demi pasangannya itu bukan orang yang benar, saya gak ada hak buat bilang seseorang itu benar atau tidak cuma karena dia pindah agama.
Saya percaya Tuhan itu satu.
Semua agama gak ada yang ajarin hal-hal buruk.
Kalau ada orang bilang agama A itu jelek atau agama B itu gak bener umatnya, buat saya orang itu gak ngerti bahwa itu dasarnya orang-orangnya saja yang jelek tabiatnya dan hidupnya gak bener tapi kebetulan orang yang dimaksud itu memeluk agama yang disangkut-sangkutkan.

Apa ada agama yang ajarin orang yang sudah menikah untuk bercerai dalam kondisi apapun?
Sejelek-jeleknya sebuah pernikahan, buat saya kalau sudah komitmen dari awal memilih pasangan itu sendiri tanpa ada paksaan dan sudah memutuskan buat menikah, tolong diingat lagi janji nikahnya seperti apa. Buat saya gak ada alasan cerai kecuali memang dipisahkan oleh maut.

Ada agama yang ajarin mencuri atau merampok?
Ada agama yang ajarin berdusta? Membunuh? Menyakiti orang lain?
Semua agama mengajarkan kasih.
Kasih sama Tuhannya, sama sesamanya, sama makhluk hidup lainnya, sama diri sendiri.

Terus balik lagi ke inti masalahnya, dimana agama jadi momok dalam soal pernikahan.
Kalau sudah sama agamanya, masalahnya ada lain lagi.
Sering ibadah bareng gak?
Suka berdoa bareng gak?
Terus kalau imannya gak kuat, nanti pernikahannya bisa hancur kalau ada cobaan berat yang menghadang.
Saya setuju kalau orang bilang sebuah pernikahan dasarnya/pusatnya/corenya itu Tuhan, karena menurut saya, dengan percaya sama Tuhan, orang punya rasa takut.
Takut bikin dosa, takut nyakitin orang lain, takut buat melakukan yang jahat atau negatif intinya kalau menurut saya sih.
Dan dengan semua rasa takut itu, otomatis seseorang jadi orang yg gak akan sia-siain pasangannya dalam cara apapun.
Tapi kalau orang bilang cuma karena gak pernah beribadah terus pernikahannya bisa goyah sih saya gak percaya dan gak akan pernah bisa terima pernyataan itu.
Kembali lagi bahwa semua agama mengajarkan kebaikan, kalau ada orang yang memeluk agama apapun tapi tetap berbuat jahat sama orang, itu orangnya aja yang emang jahat, gak ada hubungan sama agamanya atau seberapa sering dia berdoa atau beribadah.
Manusia tidak ada yang sempurna dan manusia punya pilihan buat melakukan yang baik-baik atau yang jahat-jahat.
Saya cuma lihat masih banyak orang yang saya kenal atau lihat pakai mata kepala sendiri, rajin sih ibadahnya, cuma kehidupan sehari-hari sama orang lain gak mencerminkan ibadahnya.
Sekarang kalau ke tempat ibadah, di sana kita dengar pemimpin ibadahnya bicara mengenai hal-hal yang baik yang kita harusnya lakuin di dunia kan?
Kalau baru selesai ibadah, baru saja sampai di parkiran, terus ribut sama orang lain cuma gara-gara diserobot jalan keluarnya, apa itu sudah benar atau cukup ibadahnya?
Familiar sama hal-hal seperti itu?
Makanya saya gak pernah setuju orang mengukur iman orang lain (soal ukur-mengukur ini saja saya gak pernah setuju) cuma dari seberapa sering orang itu beribadah dan berdoa.
Tanpa tahu hidupnya sehari-hari orang tersebut seperti apa dan bagaimana.
Ada lagi kasus orang yang sepertinya (kelihatannya) sempurna; rajin beribadah, rajin nolongin orang lain, tapi di rumah atau di dalam lingkup keluarganya saja dia gamau turun tangan untuk bantu.
Kalau begitu apa dia orang benar? Cukup benar? Setengah benar?
Saya gak pernah mau pusingin hidup orang seperti apa, atau ibadahnya seperti apa, baik apa enggak orang itu sama keluarganya atau tetangganya, atau apapun soal agama orang lain.
Cukup dia sama Tuhannya saja yang tau, maka itu saya selalu ngerasa kadang orang terlalu "intim" mendadak kalau ngomongin soal agama, apalagi kalau tahu saya gak melakukan hal-hal pada umumnya yang seharusnya dilakukan oleh seorang Katolik. :p

Kembali ke kasus dimana rajin beribadah dan berdoa mendukung suksesnya sebuah pernikahan karena kalau ada benturan, doa akan menyelamatkan. Tuhan akan menyelamatkan.
Saya sudah pernah dengar banyak kasus kesaksian orang hampir bercerai, lantas karena berubah jadi rajin beribadah dan berdoa, serta rajin mendoakan istri/suaminya, tidak jadi bercerai. Atau suami/istrinya berubah jadi baik lagi. Ya semacam-macam begitu.
Sebuah hubungan (saya gausah jauh-jauh ngomongin pasangan suami istri), mau itu hubungan teman, pacaran, tetanggaan, apapun itu, selalu butuh dua orang untuk bisa jalan.
It takes two to tango. ALWAYS.
Itu yang saya yakinin.
Sebuah hubungan pasti ada ups and downs-nya, pasti ada cobaannya, mungkin hubungan pasangan itu lebih complex karena dua orang yang berkomitmen untuk menjalankan sebuah hubungan kan sifatnya intimate; ada sebuah janji, ada sebuah harapan sama mimpi. Jadi kalau ada masalah, biasanya lebih ruwet dan kalau berantem lebih heboh.
Tapi coba dipikir, namanya pasangan, kalau ada masalah, apa masalah itu timbul dari salah satu pihak saja?
Kembali lagi it takes two to tango.
Ada sebab ada akibat.
Dan setiap koin ada dua sisi.
Dan hal paling penting yang harus dijunjung tinggi dalam sebuah hubungan itu adalah komunikasi.
Mau berhubungan baik sama orang lain ya harus komunikasi yang baik.
Percuma punya rasa sayang kalau gak bisa berkomunikasi satu sama lain.
Suatu saat timbul masalah, apa rasa sayang saja cukup?
Kalau dua orang dalam satu hubungan sudah gak bisa komunikasi lagi, buat saya itu disaster.

Dengan komunikasi itu, nanti hal-hal baik pasti ikut muncul dengan sendirinya.
Faith.
Loyalty.
Honesty.
Trust.
Even love needs to be communicated, not only verbally but also with actions.

Saya gak perlu panjang-panjang jelasin kriteria cowok seperti apa yang saya mau, saya cukup bilang saya mau seseorang yang bisa saya ajak bicara dalam bentuk apapun dan nyambung sama saya. Itu sudah lebih dari cukup.
Dengan komunikasi yang baik, gak akan ada yang namanya misunderstanding.
Gak akan ada berantem berkepanjangan.
Dan yang saya maksud komunikasi disini bukan cuma ngomong ya, tapi juga dengerin. Give and take. Kalau cuma mau ngomong aja tanpa dengerin pasangan kita juga kan egois. Balik lagi setiap koin ada dua sisi.
Kalau ada misunderstanding ya dibicarakan.
Kalau ada sebuah issue, small or big, ya dibicarakan.

Terus apa hubungannya daritadi saya bicara tentang komunikasi sama inti masalahnya?

Simple-nya saya bisa bilang, Tuhan bantu kita kasih jalan kalau kita minta dalam doa, di waktu kita ngerasa buntu sama sebuah masalah. Tapi kalau kita nya juga gak usaha, apa semua bisa magically happens?
Saya percaya mukjijat dan berkat Tuhan, tapi saya gak percaya orang yang cuma diam saja gak mau melakukan apa-apa itu hidupnya lancar-lancar saja.
Berserah sama menyerah itu beda.
Yang satu itu tetap berusaha tapi menjalani apa adanya, yang satu lagi gak mau berusaha sama sekali.
Saya rasa Tuhan juga bisa lihat mana yang berserah mana yang menyerah.
Kalau ada orang yang menyerah, yang dikasih kemudahan dalam hidupnya sama Tuhannya, coba kenalan/kenalin sama saya.
Di balik orang ngomong "I give up" itu masih ada hope, ada pengharapan.
Kasarnya saya bilang, masih ngarep.
Tapi kalau ngarepnya mukjijat terjadi begitu aja kayak sulap terus semuanya tiba-tiba bim salabim baik-baik saja, sampai langit tukeran posisi sama air laut juga gak akan pernah dapet mukjijatnya.

Balik lagi ke cerita yang saya mau sharing.
Sorry kalau ada yang offended sama cerita saya, tapi saya gak ada maksud apa-apa cerita ini semua.
Papa saya lahir di keluarga yang Kristennya cukup kental, mama saya dari keluarga Katolik.
Waktu nikah, papa kayaknya pindah agama karena sekarang saya tahunya di KTP tulisannya ya Katolik dan juga terdaftar sebagai kepala keluarga yang sah di kartu keluarga paroki gereja dimana saya berdomisili (kalau di Katolik, kalau kepala keluarga (papa) bukan beragama Katolik, maka istrinya yang punya titel kepala keluarga di kartu keluarga tersebut, saya juga baru tahu soal ini).
Saya gak begitu tahu alasannya kenapa, tapi saya tahu, nenek dari papa saya selalu pesan begini: "Kalau seorang laki-laki benar-benar mencintai perempuannya, maka dia harus ikut agama pasangannya kalau ingin menikah."
Mungkin itu alasan kenapa papa saya pindah, atau mungkin plain love with my mom back then.
Who knows, and I don't bother to ask why, all I know I am loved by them and they are perfectly in good relationship until this very second.

Itu kan dari keluarga inti saya.
Kakak dari papa saya menikah dengan seorang muslim. Dan sekarang mereka berdua sudah resmi menjadi Bapak Haji dan Ibu Hajjah.
Dan sampai detik ini pernikahan mereka baik-baik saja, dan kita sekeluarga besar juga baik-baik saja.

Dan itu masih dalam lingkup keluarga saya juga.
Calon suami saya punya orang tua yang juga beda agama.
Dan mereka perfectly fine sampai detik ini juga.

Jadi, apa agama itu jadi masalah buat sebuah pernikahan?
Apa kalau beda agama itu jadi masalah?

Itu kan cuma paradigma orang dan society yang selalu memicingkan mata kalau ada dua pasang laki-laki dan perempuan dengan agama yang berbeda ingin menjalin hubungan.
Gausah jauh-jauh ngomongin pernikahan, pacaran aja belum tentu disetujuin.

Papa saya selalu bilang, cari orang yang benar.
Tapi sebelum cari orang benar itu, kamu harus jadi orang yang benar dulu.
Jadi kamu tahu mana yang benar mana yang salah.
Dan itu yang saya pegang sampai detik ini.

Saya gak pernah ada maksud bilang orang gausah beribadah lagi, gausah berdoa lagi, atau gapapa kalau cari pasangan yang gak ngelakuin itu semua. Enggak.
Setiap orang punya prinsip sendiri-sendiri.
Prinsip saya ya seperti yang papa saya pesankan, cari orang yang benar.
Karena buat saya lebih baik saya sama orang yang tahu bagaimana harus menjalani hidup, daripada orang yang fanatik sama agamanya tapi gatau bagaimana menghargai orang lain dan makhluk hidup lainnya.
Kalau bisa dapat yang ibadahnya kuat PLUS orang benar, itu kan kayak dapat harta karun, dan kalau ada yang dapat itu, bersyukurlah, karena Tuhan itu baik sekali.
Lakukan yang menurut kamu benar, selama itu gak menyakiti orang lain dalam bentuk apapun. (:
Dan sebelum kamu judge kehidupan orang lain, coba diinget dulu seberapa sempurna hidup kamu?

mel

Once Upon A Time.

I am 25 and I am not married.

What's the big deal?
Many people are getting married after 25 or even in their 30s.
So what's the big deal?

The deal is probably not big but sure there are a few.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed to have a beautiful man, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful place to get married. And they lived happily ever after.

Sounds familiar?
I bet.

But in reality, it bites you in ass, big time.
Marriage used to be so easy.
It's either your parents chose your mate or you met your "The One" and got married.
Economical issue has been playing big part in today's society.
Many things related to financial have become major issue in why people nowadays are getting married in late age compared to years back.

Maybe it's true.
Maybe marriage is not always about love.
Marriage takes two people in love, and bunch of big families to dwell, and of course money to make it happen.

What if you don't have the money?
You earn it with sweat and blood.

What if you don't have "The One"?
Find it.

What if there's a problem with big families?
Solve it.

Oh God I wish it were that easy.
Oh wait, maybe it is, that easy.
Maybe we complicate things, no?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed to have a beautiful man, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful place to get married. But as years went by, she had no idea her dream would be one day become disheartening. That little girl had become a grown up woman who had better and clear vision of what her dream was about. She wanted it to become real as soon as possible because after all, she was a woman. She had vision, ambition, big dream, and good plan to accomplish that. But, one day she realized that her dream takes more than herself to achieve. She needed someone, her other half, to reach that dream. She had second thought whether this man she had been dating with was the right one or not. Because if he were, wouldn't it be easy? As time went by like speed of light. She saw her dream slowly faded after some times. But she kept on persistent with what she believed in. So she pushed, she asked for it, and she demanded it. But she forgot that, again, it takes more than herself to accomplish this task. One day she knew everything would disappear as she blinked away. She did. She chose to. Probably because she had no choice left. When that day came, she smiled and told herself "Hey, this isn't so bad, maybe next year. Maybe. Who knows? Who knows what the future holds." And she kept believe in, although she began to doubt the thought of it. Another year passed by and she saw her dream crashed, landed in pieces in front of her eyes, again. And again, she smiled and told herself, "It's okay. It won't be too long. You just have to be patient and wait. Because patient brings fruitful joy." And so that what everybody was telling her. So she listened. Because she knew there was no way she could run to grasp the dream. One day she asked the same question again, just to reassure how it was going to be. When it was going to happen. Because after all, what she needed was just security and assurance --a proof, a visible proof, that it was going to happen, for real. So that she had something to keep in mind, something she carried along to face her bright future, her days. Something she could believe in. Something that made her trust her dream, trust people, and trust reality. Something that she could smile about for every single day. Something she had to fight for. Something she hold on. But I guess what she wanted was too much. She began to think, it was not going to happen. She began to think, she was such a maniac, a lunatic, a silly human being who kept on thinking about the dream. Rather than creating path to get there. Poor her, she was so naive. One year had passed. She began to learn how to shut her dream down and moved on. But reality really bit her. Questions came. She was not even ready. She just didn't want to answer. Because she had no something she wished she had. She never blamed anybody else for what had happened. Because she knew it very well, it was not easy so she wouldn't want to push any further. Her dream crashed and so did she. She once wondered if she would eventually meet her beautiful man, beautiful dress, and beautiful place to grasp her dream. But she then told herself, "Look, it's impossible. Just forget it. It has hurt you so much. Why would you want to hurt yourself even more? You know it very well it is not easy. And you know it too well, it takes more than who you are, what you are, yourself, to achieve that. And who are you, being able to control every single effing things on this earth? You are just a naive and a dreamer. And have some dignity in you. You are a woman, a grown up woman, for Godsake. Just live in reality. Face it. Grow up!" And so she did. Would she live happily ever after by herself? Who knows. Who knows what the future holds. All she had in mind is how to keep her heart from being broken again. Not a slightest chance. The end.

bizzarely incomplete.

Listening to Lady Antebellum - I Need You Know right around 1 AM, sobbing so hard, crying my heart out..........
Seems familiar?

When the word: It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.......
is being sung, it strikes me so hard, even makes my sob and tears getting worse.

That's what i went through last Saturday.

But that's not what i want to talk right now.
Who the hell cares with my love life.

Well it is indirectly connected but my case isn't my point.

What i want to talk about here and now, is the idea of how people can be so easily saying "it's okay, i know how you feel".
While most of the time they never experience it themselves.
Simple example: watching the infotainment, there's a celebrity who's having an affair, most of us would say "how can they do that. that is just so wrong"
But, really?
Have we really ever felt the same way like that?
Or have we really ever experienced the exact same condition?
For me, I used to say that.
From social point of view, doing something WRONG is wrong.
There's boundary, there's parameter.
Like: when you're married you're not supposed to be having a relationship with other people.
I agree to that statement. But to what extend?
I haven't got married yet.
I haven't experienced that so how could I say that's wrong or right?
Just according to social perspective and moral issue.

Someone, a person, told me: "when it comes to heart (feeling-wise) we can't control it at all."

Another simple example, from my own experience:
When I was young, my friend asked me what should she do at that time when she found out her boyfriend was cheating. I simply said "break him up" but she was so stubborn to hold on to her relationship and I didn't know why would she do that. Then came to one point, when I experienced the same thing. My friend did tell me the exact same thing, to break him up.
But did I do that right away?
No I didn't.

Who says it's easy?
Who says it's simple?
I knew it wasn't right, but i knew i couldn't lie to my heart.
Thus from that point i understand how it feels to be in that situation.
I mean, we have options. to forgive/forget and take a chance (even for being hurt once more or over and over again by the same guy), to follow our hearts, or to just go ahead dump that stupid man.

Okay it doesn't make any sense, right?
But I did once.
So I know how it feels like.
I know I was being so stupid and silly by forgetting and forgiving him, but in reality, I am getting stronger from that point until now.
I learned something.
But the most important thing is: I don't regret that I was following my heart at that time.

Several of worst feelings, of what hurts the most according to me are:
1. Just like what Rascal Flatts says: what hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away.
Tell me it doesn't hurt when you have someone so close, you know that they're within your ability to reach and grasp, but you just can't because it is slipping through your fingers.
2. What hurts the most is when you know you care for someone so much, one day, they're breaking down and falling apart and you can't do anything just because you're merely nobody for them.
3. What hurts the most is when someone who once your everything turns into stranger.
4. What hurts the most is when you thought you have everything with someone, and when they're gone, you realize you never had anything.
5. What hurts the most is when you just can't tell yourself to let go what you should have.
6. What hurts the most is when you are lost, not knowing what to do.
7. What hurts the most is when you miss someone so much yet they don't give a damn about you at all.
8. What hurts the most is seeing someone from afar, seeing their back, once you used to hold. Yet you can do nothing about it.
9. What hurts the most is fighting so hard to just fall even harder in the end.
10. What hurts the most is being judged by the one you love the most.

marry you.

Sekilas kalau mikirin soal pernikahan itu sepertinya gampang ya?
Dua orang saling mencintai, berjanji, berkomitmen untuk bersama-sama sampai maut memisahkan.
Ke KUA, catatan sipil, pemberkatan, resepsi........honey moon = HAPPILY EVER AFTER

really?

NGAREP

Nyatanya banyak kasus nyata kalau nikah itu sulit!
Gausah jauh-jauh contohnya, saya ngacung deh buat soal yang satu ini.

Kemarin ini sempat membicarakan cerita masa depan berdua.
Dari soal mau beli rumah aja sudah ribut.
Berlanjut ke masalah resepsi pernikahan, pemberkatan pernikahan (secara agama kita berbeda).
Terus belum cukup semua keribetan itu, ditambah lagi sebuah kenyataan besar: saya SUKA anjing, dia GASUKA anjing.

Bukan tidak suka yang gimana-gimana banget, cuma beberapa "ritual" khas di rumah sekarang adalah:
1. setiap malam anjing selalu masuk kamar dan kadang bobok bareng satu ranjang
2. setiap saat hobi cium-cium anjing kesayangan dan elus-elus gak pake cuci tangan (kecuali mau makan)
3. si doggy bebas naik turun sofa dan nonton tv kapanpun dia mau (hahaha lebay juga bagian nonton tv)

Dan hal-hal disebutkan di atas bisa jadi sebuah hal super penting yang beberapa orang tidak sukai.

Belum cukup mencoba adaptasi dan mengerti keanehan-keanehan di awal, harus juga berusaha mengakrabkan diri dengan keluarga besar kedua belah pihak (ya iyalah emang nikah cuma antara suami sama istri doang?)
Nah, terbayang belum ribetnya?
Saya sih sudah.

Belum lagi masalah materi.
Nikah buat saya bukan cuma sebuah kecukupan mental, jiwa, raga, atau sekedar SIAP.
Tapi materi juga harus siap.
Mau makan apa kalau kerja aja masih serabutan atau gaji selalu habis tiap awal bulan?
Mau beli bahan makanan pakai apa kalau pengeluaran masih lebih besar ketimbang pemasukan?
Mau bayar rumah sakit bagaimana kalau istri melahirkan, kalau setiap bulan masih bergantung limit kartu kredit?
Wah, jujur saya ngeri bayanginnya.
Bagaimana saya memenuhi kebutuhan saya selama ini yang 50% masih disupport orang tua?
Apakah nanti suami saya sanggup memenuhi kebutuhan saya?

Despite all the arguments and quarrels I mentioned above, lucky me I have a super understanding man for this needs issue.

Mungkin banyak pasangan yang melakukan hal yang saya lakukan bersama si pacar.
Mungkin sistemnya lain, tapi intinya, kita berusaha, dia berusaha untuk belajar memenuhi kebutuhan saya setiap bulan.
Kebutuhan terbesar saya sebenarnya bukan baju, bukan perhiasan, bukan barang-barang.
Kebutuhan terbesar, pengeluaran terbesar lebih tepatnya, adalah MAKAN.
Iya, makanan adalah pengeluaran terbesar saya setiap bulannya.

Saya suka makan, hobi makan, pemburu makanan, dan sangat cinta makanan enak.
Intinya saya 70% menghabiskan saat-saat makan saya di luar.
Atau saya sering berkunjung ke restoran atau tempat favorit saya.
Jadi setiap bulan, si pacar memberikan alokasi dana dengan jumlah yang sama, untuk pengeluaran makan (baca: have fun).
Kalau sampai melebihi budget yang ada, bulan depan akan dipotong sesuai dengan kekurangan bulan sebelumnya. Kalau lebih akan dimasukkan tabungan bersama milik kami berdua.
Kesannya seru ya?
Seru kalau bisa mengerem hobi makan saya.
Sayangnya kadang kalau pas sedang ngidam ini itu, susah banget untuk stop diri untuk tidak makan ini atau itu.
Alhasil kadang setiap bulan pas habis atau dengan terpaksa menunda keinginan untuk makan ini itu.
Tapi kalau sekarang mengecek saldo tabungan, rasanya senang banget.
Karena tabungan itu rencananya akan digunakan untuk membeli barang-barang untuk mengisi rumah kita kelak di masa depan (aduh berasa lama ya).

I appreciate his willingness to understand and try to fulfill my personal needs. It also helps myself to adjust my needs --to spend only with what I've got.
Eitherway it's a good exercise for our future life as family. Early learning/education is always a good start to step into a bigger world, right? ( :

Anyway, seiring berjalannya waktu (awalnya susah banget untuk ngerem keinginan saya untuk makan ini itu di saat yang berdekatan), saya belajar untuk menghargai yang saya punya dan sebisa mungkin lebih banyak menabung ketimbang membuang uang untuk makan makanan mahal yang kadang belum tentu enak ( :
Tapi itu tidak menghentikan hobi saya sebagai food hunter. Hanya saja sekarang lebih pintar memilah ( ;

Lagipula, sekarang kita berdua sama-sama sibuk, jadinya jarang ada waktu untuk keluar makan yang terlalu jauh, karena biasanya kerjaan kita berdua baru selesai di sore menjelang malam, sama-sama terlalu capek untuk keluar ke area Jakarta.

In conclusion, I guess I am not ready to get married, just yet.
Let's do things we can do while we are still young (and not married)!


cheers,

meL

conditional love issue.

So what is it the correct way to be in love or in loving someone?
I shall say there's no right or wrong in loving someone.

No, seriously.

*putting serious lame face*

No, I mean, each individual is totally a completely different from one another.
I mean what should we follow this or that rules in loving someone while we feel that it is not comfortable/convenient at all just for the sake of BEING RIGHT?

I mean it's obviously wrong when you love someone just for his/her money. HAHAHAHA.
And it's wrong when you're loving someone just to get things you want and not really IN LOVE with the person.

No it's not what I'm trying to defend here nor I'm trying to say.

What I want to say is that there is no boundary in loving someone.

For example:
I used to love someone so much til it hurts and there was nothing left than love.
(like what the priest said before, loving someone so much til it hurts then the pain won't be exist anymore whilst left only love love and love).
But then I got betrayed by this person, I mean, irresponsible person I shall say. HAHAHAHAHA.
So I decided to stop loving someone that way because it's just ain't fair for me (whoa what a selfish person).
But I don't care at all!
I want to be happy and to love and be loved at the same time and if it takes me to love someone in conditional situation, I'll do whatever it takes.

So as what my mom told me before, that we should not love someone 99%.
I do it my own way.

I know I love him and I know I care for him.
But I also know how to make him suffer to make me happy. (seems so sadistic isnt it? hahaha)

Well make him suffer in a good way as to make him aware that LOVE is just not enough to make someone happy to make me happy..

There are other things that support a relationship.
honesty
       trust
  communication
                 understanding
              etc. etc. etc.

No its not that simple.

It's not like what advertising tell you, not that reality shows tell you and obviously NOT WHAT YOU WERE TAUGHT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

No it doesnt work that way no no in this real world unless you are a dreamer and/or living in a fairy tale.

It's not like you're falling in love and that's it happily ever after.

No.
I bet cinderella quarrels with her husband in her marriage life. HAHAHAHAHHA
No there's no such thing as happily ever after if you are consuming merely LOVE in your life.

It's either you are too naive, too stupid or too blind.

Call me mean but I don't believe such thing exists.
Not in this kind of cruel world.

You need many things to support a healthy and good relationship.
The love is there but it's not the only thing that will survive along several years of relationship.

Why am I writing this?
.
.
.
.
.
.
I begin to ponder myself. hahahahaha

leave&forget.

Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends.Sigmund Freud

you can't expect people to think they way you do.

i chose to be the villain, the bad guy, the jerk, and so be it.
in the end i should not care whether i hurt someone's heart/feeling,
since i am the one who is all to blame.

you know, good things don't last forever.
one day, sooner or later they'll all be replaced by the bad ones.
that is why i am always scared whenever something that's too good to be true happens,
because later there'll be something bad in return.

you know, it's like what people said "don't laugh too much you might cry."

even freedom requires responsibility.
everything we do requires one.

it's easier to blame other for what you feel than admit things.
it's easier to say "i'm hurt" rather than "i know i hurt you, thus i'm hurt."
because people don't always get what we mean.

so since i am the bad guy, i play my role, i play my part.
it's okay being replaced.
it's okay being thrown away.
it's okay being abandoned.
i am so get used to it.
what matters to me is that everybody's doing fine.
so i will be fine.

you know how funny it is when in the first place you give a warning.
and you know that in happiness state, people don't really listen to what you say,
furthermore when it's about bad or ugly possibility.
they don't really care.
happiness is a temporary state.
even you CREATE happiness in order to feel or get one.
it's a properly planned and customized state.

i learn not to say things when my heart is bitter.
i learn to just keep silent.
i learn that silence is gold.
i learn that there's no such thing as mutual understanding when it comes to argumentation.
when it comes to fight.
when it comes to misunderstanding.
when it comes to EGO.

but then people always come with reason and logic.
just for them to understand and grasp issues and situations.
in order to step in their comfort zone.
in order to create an understanding.

to me, it's no longer about who's hurting who.
it's a mere phase i have to go through in life in order to know who's the best.
in order to understand there are millions type of people on earth.
in order to understand myself.

everything happens for a reason.
but one thing i always believe:

and to put it bluntly, i love dogs more than humans.

because they're sincere, hold no grudge, lovable in any circumstances, they have unconditional love til death do us part, and endless loyalty.

Dogs are miracle with paws. ~Attributed to Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy

what makes you feel?

what makes you feel when someone says

"I only want you with all the happiness but not with your worst emotional state?"

and that someone once told you that they love you, care about you?

i have a name.

you know what hurts?
the fact that people, most people are only care about you when you are happy and cheer up
and when you are in your lowest state of everything
crying
sobbing
down
blue
moody
emotional
drama
imbalance
hurt
feeling pain
angry
sad
upset
lonely
mellow
frustrated
they just don't really care

care  (kâr)n.1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities; worry.
2. Mental suffering; grief.
3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: the many cares of a working parent.4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: handled the crystal bowl with care.5.a. Close attention; painstaking application: painting the window frames and sashes with care.b. Upkeep; maintenance: a product for the care of fine floors; hair care products.6. Watchful oversight; charge or supervision: left the child in the care of a neighbor.7. Attentive assistance or treatment to those in need: a hospital that provides emergency care.v. cared, car·ing, caresv.intr.1. To be concerned or interested: Once inside, we didn't care whether it rained or not.2. To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: cared for the wounded; caring for an aged relative at home.3. To object or mind: If no one cares, I'll smoke.4.a. To have a liking or attachment: didn't care for the movie.b. To have a wish; be inclined: Would you care for another helping?v.tr.1. To wish; desire: Would you care to dance?2. To be concerned to the degree of: I don't care a bit what critics think.

it doesn't take much to care about someone
you don't have to be the smartest people on earth
you don't have to understand the meaning of it via dictionary
you don't have to know that someone so much
you don't have to ask yourself why
you don't have to question the reason why
you don't have to work your ass off
you don't have to sweat yourself
you don't have to die
you don't have to struggle
you don't have to cry out loud for Godsake
you don't have to ask million questions in regards to
you just have to have HEART
and every human being has one.
so what makes you stop or unable to care for someone?

first time is a mistake
second time is a choice

i don't know why some people enter my life just to hurt me in the end
i always keep my door open
maybe i'm just stupid
they say when you are in love it's like drinking beer, get too much of it and get more stupid each time.
but who knows i would fall in too deep
who knows i would fall with (another) wrong person?

as i recall, never once i call people with names
when someone act bad do i call them by names?
no.
i tell them what's wrong but i don't judge
because i know that's just mistake people do

do i expect so much?
oh wait, do i expect anything in the first place
well maybe i do.
life is full of expectations
you can say "let's not expect"
but then it's another expectation as well

it's human nature to expect something

i always hate the beginning of every relationship
do you know why?
because every beginning is the sweetest among all
the sweetest moment
i shall say "fake" one
two people meet
being nice to each other because you don't know who is who
then the relationship develops
higher level, higher risk, higher stake
you begin to know each other
still, it's a fake one
you might get upset over certain thing
then what?
you can't be angry with the other person just for the sake you don't really know that person very well
you swallow everything
well, suck it up basically..
then when the relationship is getting deeper
you begin to argue basically stuffs
stuffs that mainly not appear in the first place
then the thing is, it's either one of you get tired of DRAMA or IMBALANCED EMOTIONAL STATE
then nobody wants to eliminate their egos
or maybe one of you begin to beg, plead, say millions of sorry
just because one of you is afraid to lose the other person
but then it's another level of expectation

you know what sucks?
being me sucks
being such a drama queen sucks
being such a person with imbalanced emotional state sucks
being such a fool sucks
being such a stupid person sucks
being such an idiot sucks
being such a loser sucks
being such a person who is easily disposable sucks
being such a rubbish sucks
being such a pain in the ass sucks
being such a burden sucks
being a person with so much extra luggage and burdens sucks
being a person that seems more like a commodity that can be easily chosen or discarded sucks!!!

do i care about other people's feeling up to this moment?
i do.
do i care about what other think about me?
i do.
do i care about what people judge me with or give me names?
i do.
do i care about people's happiness?
i still do.
do people care about me?
no.
am i sad?
yes.
do i think of hurting myself?
no. to certain extend that it's not for me i hurt myself, it's for other people who don't worth my blood and tears.
do i think of disappearing?
yep.
do i wish for people would care for me?
yes.
do i ask people to care for me?
why do i have to when they are around me all the time when i am fine?

so the conclusion is people only care for you when you are perfectly fine, okay, minor emotional state.
most people don't know how to react
most people just plain don't care
most people don't have any idea
most people don't give a f*ck

when people ask "what's wrong"
and you start blabbering, what makes you think they care?
no, they usually catch phrases or main words
and usually the final reply: "be patient" or "you're gonna be okay" or "i'm sorry to hear that"
or
the most obvious possible respond they'd think you're weird
they'd think you're abnormal (are you, yourself anyway?)
they'd think something's wrong with you
they'd judge
they'd call you names
they'd get upset eventually
they'd just go away

basically what i need is just someone come to me, hug me, and tell me "it's okay being like this, just get over it soon and be happy again"

Puss in Heart.

Cinta datang karena terbiasa.  

love comes because we get used to. 

Sebuah kalimat yang agak mengundang kontroversi.
Kenapa kontroversi?
Muncul berbagai argumen kalau ngomongin soal yang satu itu (baca: cinta).

Argumen #1: Cinta itu datang tiba-tiba.
Argumen #2: Kalau dasarnya gak cinta ya gak cinta aja mau coba dibiasain sekalipun.
Argumen #3: Cinta itu pilihan.

Skeptikal, kritis, ataupun pesimis, sejuta argumen bisa muncul.

I won't take long discussing about this stuff, I will just tell a simple story and let you decide.
This is a story between me and the cat in my house, well practically she isn't my cat, she suddenly came into my house and yeah, she's been here since then.

So one afternoon I (not usually) went out to front yard, just felt like it.
When all of sudden, out of nowhere there was this cat, gray cat meowing right near my left leg -- you know how cats are usually lingering in between your legs.
She is a pretty cat (no, I don't usually like cats, I'm a dog person).
Well long story how I used to have cats while i was little and how my mom tried her best to get rid of them.
(Btw I used to torture cats as well, how I didn't want them to run away I usually kidnapped them in the storage, I know..... bad little me).
So maybe basically I am just an animal lover, so I got into my house, got some foods and gave her.
(I know how people say once you feed stray cats they will go back again)
And so did she.
She kept going back to my house.
My mbak (maid) told me that the cat belonged to several house nearby, she belonged to little girl(s).
But then who cares this cat has no collar anyway and she kept going back and noone has been searching for her since then.
This pretty cat --we (my family and I) call her Pus (I know....)-- was apparently male-cats-eater.
One night I came home from work and found she had some kind of bump in her tummy, I assumed she got pregnant and apparently she did.
Weeks after her tummy was getting bigger.
Since she usually came to my house in the evening after I come home from work (apparently she knew she wouldn't get food unless it's with me), one night she did not come.
After few days later she came back, her tummy was flattened again.
Right, she delivered already then.
Since she came back, she seldom come to my house, I don't know why but I guess she just had to feed her babies, right?
So weeks after weeks she didn't come as often as she used to, I didn't really care though.
Since then as well I got quite many male cats hang around in my house (see I told you she's a male-cats-eater), which apparently her boyfriends HAHAHAHA...

So one day she came back with a quite swollen tummy (again..), she got pregnant again.
Now I guess with another male cat, because this one gingery-garfield-look-like cat always walked together with her.
One fine afternoon I came home early from work and saw this truck in front of my house, Pus came out of my garage and lingered on my legs, when a man came out of the truck and asked me, if the cat was mine.
I realized he is an animal controller, basically in my area you can't have stray animals (even rats!).
So I told him yes the cat is mine.
And he told me he sometimes see the cat wandering around the area and has no collar.
I told him that I don't keep my cat at home and she is free to wandering around anywhere she likes to and since she has no collar doesn't mean she has no owner, now since you know it's my cat don't ever take her away. period.

I didn't know why I was so persistence, I didn't care about any other cats though. I just wanted Pus to be safe and stay.

So days after she kept coming back until one day she disappeared.
I thought she gave birth or something, so I let it slip away.
Days turned to weeks, and turned to months.
Approximately 2 months or so she was gone.
I started to think about it.
I even started to search for her around the area.
I open the car window everytime I drove home in case I heard her voice (btw her voice is so distinctive, kind of super high pitch).
NONE.

Horrible thoughts came after:
What if she died?
What if she got capture by the animal controller?
What if she got hit by car?
What if she starved out there?
and millions of another "what if"

I even asked the security to find her (lol, how paranoid i am right?)

So I kept wondering where is she and I realized that I care about her.
Everytime I got home I kept calling her name so that if she had chance to be somewhere nearby she could have listened and come back.
After the third month, I got home from a date, I saw a slight grayish-thing in my garage, I dropped out the car and ran after the thing
IT WAS PUS!
SHE CAME BACK!
err..... FAT
extremely FATTTT!
no, not pregnant fat, pure fat
her cheeks fat
tummy fat
legs fat
everything fat
and I laughed hysterically at her
I told her "Pus you look so different! I barely recognize you, fatty!"
She kept meowing and lingered in my arms, I hugged her close (but then she never likes being hugged or hold, so a brief hug will do).
I ran inside my house and told mom and dad that my cat is back!
I grabbed a box of cat foods and ran back outside to give her
I sat next to her while she was eating and she kept purring while eating
cute!
I missed her.
And at that point, I was so relieved.

So, in conclusion, what do you think love is?
Love is there because you get used to?
Or love is a choice in the first place?
Or there is no love even if you get used to?
Or love comes all of sudden?
Who knows.... ( ;
What I know is I don't want to loose Pus again

love,
meL

tribute to Jacko

people often ask me "why don't you breed your pups?"

my answers are relatively emotional-wise such as: "i will cry if i let go of my pups" or "i can't take them for granted" or "dogs aren't commodities"

or anything similar

from what i have experienced or observed throughout years of my life having dogs, i seldom see dog owner who really love their dogs

no, really, dogs are animals with high intelligence who can feel human emotions and feel sad, happy, lost, etc.

in my neighborhood, 90% of the dogs are "babysit" by maids

seriously how can you let your maids do YOUR responsibility in walking YOUR OWN dog(s)?

i even met maid who TRAINS her owner's dog

as a dog owner, you are THE ALPHA, you are your dog's master

when you ask your maid to take care of your beloved dog(s), you only let yourself be a sidekick, A MERE SIDEKICK, A BETA

and then you expect your dog to behave? YOUR WISH

i get mad or upset easily when i hear dogs die because of their owners' careless acts

you cannot simply BUY or OWN a dog and FEED him or provide beddings, etc.

you have to train your dogs, teach them, be their alpha

when a dog acts weird it means millions possibilities: it can be ill, sad, or can be anything else

but then if you don't know your own dog, don't ever expect yours to respect you as their owner

i always feel sad whenever i see pet shop, pet exhibition, whatever related to pet that does not meet proper requirements

the seller stacks bunch of cages, mix everything from cat, dog, monkey, bird, hamster all in one small cubicle

imagine if you were those animals

stress level must be super high

and i am sorry i won't buy those stressful animals

stressful animals can act horribly awful when you bring them home

especially dogs with high stress level

they might harm you or your other family members (other animals at home as well)

moreover in the middle of drizzle or heavy rain or in the night puppies are fragile to low temperature

i always see shaky pups in the cages

how on earth can human beings with highest brain level ever do that?

THINK

at least FEEL

but then when it comes to COMMODITY, only money matters the most

people always ask for HUMANITY

so what about ANIMAL RIGHTS?

as for me, a dog is my family member, not merely my pack of team

a family member, a best friend, a buddy, an everything

i lost my 13 years dachshund last Sunday

he departed in my arms

i miss him so much

nothing really can measure the depth of pain i feel every single day i breathe

it's just hard

but then i know it's the best for him

he no longer feels pain

he is happy now for sure

he is back to his creator

he is in heaven

he is watching me all the time

he is beside me all along

he is here, with me, forever

the best part is no more goodbye (:

one day i'll meet him again in heaven

so long buddy! (: love ya!

02102011

happy birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
to you, somewhere out there
i have no courage to say it to you right away so i am writing this shit out of me

you,
were once part of my life
you,
were once the reason why i smiled, laughed, and cried
you,
were once filled my day with joy and happiness
you,
were once a beautiful mistake
you,
were once so lovable and loving
you,
were once reminding me of what a love is
you,
were once the reason why i did things i did not normally did
and you,
were the greatest thing God has given me in my life
you,
were someone i love the most
you,
i am losing you
i am missing you
i am loving you, still

i know there is no way you would ever read this
but if one day you'll come across and have a miracle chance to read this
i want you to know, you are loved
so much by someone
in this world

i miss you so much
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (:
28092011 2400hrs

it is PRESENT that counts.

If Only

If only there were more time, some say,
     heading a long list of regrets.
If only there could be more healing,
     more rectification,
     more love.
As if what could happen in the future or didn't happen in the past
     is more powerful than what is happening right now.

What can we do about the past?
Where is the past now?
And what about the future?
How can we do anything about that
     which doesn't yet exist?
If all you have is right now,
     why waste precious moments feeling regret?

If you've got something to say, say it now!
If you want more rectification, rectify now!
Of you want more love, love now!

Carol Orsbon

.....and after all

it always goes like this:

you are busy with projects and loads of work
i can handle it

you are unintentionally ignoring some of my drama
i can understand it

you pretend like we never are close
i can totally accept it
i know your reason and i appreciate it

you act like there is nothing between us
i can bear with it

you talk to me like we are just friends
i do not mind

you say you miss me and are afraid to lose me
but in the end it is always me whom you ignore
in the end i chase after you for nothing in return
i do try to understand it

i am not part of any of your life story
you don't tell your problems
just because you think you would cause me burden
i totally understand it

but........ after all
after you have been ignoring me saying "i miss you"
saying "i wanna hug you"
saying "i love you"
and still you can say such thing echoes in my mind
even it was just some kind of joke
my heart was cut open wider
and how sorry you were doesn't mean anything right now

i just want to be happy
i just want you to be like you used to
i just want to be loved
i just want to be given affection
i just want you to care for me just a little while, a little bit
i just want you to stop hurting me...........

poem.

it's the unpredictable you that charms me so much, probably
who knows someone so out of reach can be so close?
who knows someone so authentically different can have so much in common?
someone so far away, so upside down from what my world is
someone i never expect i could be with
someone i have been adoring so much along these times
now is holding my hand, hugging me tight, knowing me so well
more than anybody else

i am amazed, i am taken back
by all of your sensitivity and your way of making me feel complete
i am thankful in between thorns
i can't differ the pain and the love
i guess both are inseparable
i think both are bounded to each other
i can feel you

but i'm scared to let things go
if you complete me so much why can't you banish all my insecurities?
why can't you make me feel like i own everything when i'm with you?

or is it me who never try to choose my own path while i keep on hurting everybody else?
i just want to be happy
can i not hurt other people?

he is a boy and i am a girl.

you like the loud and shattering songs
rocking your style
hit and go

i like sweet mellow melody
absorbing every moment
sit and stare

you always say i disturb you so much with the question WHY
i say you never listen to what i say and i keep asking WHY

you say i'm cute with how funny i look when i react to something
you say i'm cute when i act stupid because of something i don't get
i say you're cute with the way you act so sweet
i say you're cute when you say sweet things to me

you hold me close
i whisper "don't go"

you hug me tight
i hug you even closer

you hold my hand
i look into your eyes and smile

you look at me and can't resist to smile
i look at you and i laugh instantly
then we laugh together

isn't it sweet?
isn't it lovely?

we enjoy our moments together

even though sometimes you ignore me
even sometimes you turn your back on me
and i sometimes stand still to stare at you, how could you often do the silence treatment on me
and i sometimes chase after you just to hug you close
no matter how you push me away
or how you walk away

i love you

that's one thing for sure

but then i ask myself, for what does it take i would stay?
for what sake would i stand still?

i constantly remind myself, who am i to ask you for more
and you once said, you wouldn't have any right to give me more
i constantly forget how incapable i am to demand for something
and you once said, you are out of the league partially
i constantly resist myself for showing too much
and you once said, you merely nobody to do the same
i constantly prevent myself from holding you too close, or to think bad stuffs about you, and any other stupid silly probabilities
and you once said, you said it already
and you once said, you don't like drama

but what can i do when i want 100% from you
when i give 110% out of me for you

but then i remember i once said: i will never leave you

and that time i was so sure, yet still I AM...................


i want everything of you
and willingly am giving everything of i am
no pretending
no lies
no concealing
no hiding
no more

but i am afraid
so much
too much


♪ Maroon 5 - Never Gonna Leave This Bed

love is overrated?

yesterday i saw one of tv shows aired the topic of "LOVE"
the tagline was: "Love is crazy."

thus i wonder whether i would post a blog about it or not
since it is a kind of delicate topic to talk about over here
but then i thought "well it is too much, maybe i just have to separate it from what i usually talk about here"

but then i was intrigued by someone saying "LOVE IS OVERRATED"
not only intrigued, i was challenged......
not to prove how not overrated love is, but to prove, love is merely something that people try to define
to make it real.

that is at least what i believe

hereby i try to define what is love in the first place ACCORDING to what people define it (of course it is from dictionary! ha!)

American heritage dictionary: love
(n)

1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3. 1. Sexual passion.
   2. Sexual intercourse.
   3. A love affair.
4. An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6. An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
7. 1. A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
   2. The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
8. Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
9. often Love Christianity. Charity.
10. Sports. A zero score in tennis. 

from all the definitions above, i shall say: all of them are truly human beings' perspective of what is love, not what love actually is
so what is love?
i can simply say i don't know.

if i have really to answer is, my answer would be definitely similar to one of above definitions.
then it would become useless for me to define it, since love is so abstract, nothing can describe it
you know it is simply like abstract art
guess what, the artist may say EVERYTHING or ANYTHING about their art
but really? they have any idea what it is about?
i know why i am doing my abstract painting
i know what it is about
i know the reason behind it
i know the tools
i know everything about it but the abstraction itself
it is absurd
almost undefinable.
but then..... it is the beauty of it
because you cannot really define it, it becomes something that triggers your emotion
that why abstract art is intriguing and affecting you so much when you face it
you ask 10000 people who experience the same one abstract piece, you will get 10000 different interpretations
forget the definition, forget the title, forget the artist
forget everything you know about the art itself and start interpreting it according to what you experience in life
BINGO
you get similar affect like when you have to define art

you pause for a moment, think carefully about it, and start remembering everything you know/do/get from your life experience to compare or to put it together and explain what the art piece is about (love is about).

but who can really define the abstract piece itself but the artist?
but then where does the talent come from?
where does the idea of abstraction come from?
only He knows.

thus, even people create the term LOVE, they don't really know what it is
we can only define something, describe something just to make it REAL and make it OURS

this bothers me so much when people start to blame love or use love term as something that affect your life so bad
if you don't care or don't bother at all about love
you still care about it by bothering say I DON'T CARE
when by the time you are saying it, you instantly think what you are saying = you think about love itself

you know people crying for love, dying for love, surviving for love, being happy for love
but is it really FOR LOVE? or is it merely for YOURSELF
convincing yourself so much that IT IS LOVE
is actually just to make those feelings become real
that you can describe what you are feeling

you don't can't hate love
you only hate yourself and the situation that shapes/makes you do that
you only hate the person that cause it
you hate the fact
not the love itself
love becomes the black sheep most of the time

there must be something that cause people say "i hate love", "i hate being in love", "love is overrated", "love is underrated", or even "love is bullshit"
love is only how we see it, interpret it, define it, experience it.

if i have to say, i guess love really is crazy
crazy because you can't explain what you feel/do/experience
see crazy people out there, you can't tell what they do/say/think
that's why you say they're crazy
simply because you can't define it
can't understand or grasp the situation.

if i can say, love is simply SIMPLE.

so have a good day people!
though love cannot be defined
at least try to feel it in every little thing in your life~

would you think of me?
February 23, 2008 ·

Will I be worthy enough for you?
Will I be able to light your darkest part shines so brightly?
Will I be the one whom you look for when you’re lost?
Will I be the only person whom you think of every night just before you sleep?
Will you hold me close and tight when I’m about to say goodbye?
Will you keep me in your heart if I’m about to go?
Will you stop me from leaving you behind?
Will you pull me close when I start walking away?
Will you stand beside me and look me in the eyes?
Will you be able to stop me when I’m running from you?
Will you catch me when I fall?
Will you run after me when I run away?
Will I be the one who make you believe that love brings happiness?
Will I be the one who give love to you?
Will you make me stay forever by your side?
Or will you let me off?
Just like nothing happened between us?
Just like we were not meant to be?
Just like strangers?
I think about what you may think about me
I do
everything I want you do to me
But I guess it’s never been enough
I am
still alone
Alone by myself
So tell me what’s the difference between
unwanted and abandoned?
What’s the difference between being alone and
unwanted?
I guess there’s no difference being me and us
Coz to me, they do
the same
With or without you
I feel empty, unwanted, alone…
Want me
like you want me to want you
Stop me when I’m about leaving you
Run after
me when I’m trying to escape from your love
And hold me close when I say
goodbye…
That’s all that I want…
No less or more

furball and heidi

I enjoy every second with you

For a week I learn so many lessons from two little puppies whom changed my life

I have a reason to wake up early in the morning just to make sure they're okay
I have reason to believe that I am loved and trusted by them and that's wonderful
I have learned that patient and commitment is trully important in a relationship
I have seen that God is good by trusting them to me though it's just for a while
I am glad that I am able to give and shower them so much love and warm hugs in the middle of the nights

I have experienced something so small can affect big things

I have learned that I have so much love to share
I know that a full week, full 24 hours every single day togetherness can build love that's as high as the sky, deeper than any ocean, and bigger than any mountain
And it's hurting to be apart
It's breaking my heart
But I hope they'll be fine
God will hold them in His arms until forever
God will keep them safe and sound with or without me
And God will surely keep eyes on them because I asked for it and God is never failing me once!
Thy will be done, dear God
Hold them, love them forever

christian wunderlich why goodbye mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

love.

we often hear the word "love", almost every song we hear brings up this theme.
love love love......

but do we ever really fall in love?
if so, what is love?
what are the signs?
i dont know..
and i probably will never know...
but i know one thing for sure..

if what im feeling now is not love, then i don't know what it is called...

gue ga pernah ngerti dan bisa jelasin cinta itu apa..
but i often hear people blame love for whatever reason they have been through...
why blame love?
buat gue cinta ga pernah salah..
kenapa nyalahin cinta kalau lo jatuh cinta ma orang tapi cinta lo ditolak?
if you blame love then you know nothing bout love i suppose..

ga ada yang tau kapan kita jatuh cinta atau patah hati..
kalau tau juga gue rasa ga akan seru ni hidup. hahaha..

kalau misalnya dari kita lahir, kita ga kenal yang namanya lagu cinta, puisi cinta, cinta menurut orang, kata-kata mutiara cinta, dan segala macem yang berhubungan dengan itu..
apa kita bakal tau apa yang kita rasain itu cinta?
or perhaps would we call it in different name?
perhaps a pink balloon is love
or a flower is love

it's like being a baby.. knows nothing bout anything yet..
and what they think it's lovable and good, they simply love it! and its easy...

but when we grow older..
everything seems to be more complicated..
maybe because we know too much, then we tend to complicate simple things..
hmm..
makes me ponder though...

harusnya cinta itu kan simple..
cuma sebuah kata
sebuah subjek
sebuah objek(?)

a feeling i suppose?

nothing more than that.....

then people come and interprete many things from it...
just because they experience something pleasant or unpleasant from love...
they begin to describe love in many different ways..

love no longer has its own originality.......................

waktu jatuh cinta kita puja2 cinta..
waktu patah hati? mmmm cinta disalah2in.
hahaha its funny how human operates.......

or else we begin to blame the person "in charge"

i guess nothing to blame when it comes to love...

love is there, is created to be experienced and felt...
katanya God nyiptain kita dengan love...
kalau gitu sebenernya kita ini bentuk cinta dong.. eh apa kita ini sebenernya malah cinta itu sendiri? hehehe..

kalau cinta ketemu cinta jadi dobel cinta, harusnya bahagia yah. bukan bikin sedih.
hehehehe..

gue ga pernah tau apa sih tanda2 orang cinta ma kita.
tapi yang sekarang gue rasain...
dan gue yakin gue bener2 tau apa yang gue rasain..
ada seseorang di luar sana yang sayang (sayang ama cinta beda ya? hahah) sama gue sepenuh hati dia..
walo kadang dia bikin keki sih. HAHAHAHHA..

ga ada spesifikasi buat apa yang dia rasain ke gue..
dasar orangnya simple dan cuek mungkin hahaha...
tapi yang jelas gue tau dia sayang sama gue karena:

1. dia ga pernah sekalipun nyakitin gue dengan yang namanya maenin perasaan gue, coba2 komitmen yang uda kita buat.. dengan macem2 sama cewek laen ato gmn2.. itu uda cukup buktiin selama sekian taun kita sama2 dia ga ada maksud sekalipun nyakitin gue dengan cara murahan begitu. dan gue tau betul dia serius sama gue dan sayang sama gue sepenuh hati

2. dia berani bikin komitmen sama gue dari awal. dan itu penting buat gue.. walo masih pacaran, gue ga pernah mau maen2.. klo mo maen2 sana di timezone jangan di hidup gue.. gue bukan maenan, bukan kelinci percobaan buat praktekin hal2 ga jelas

3. dia hampir ga pernah muji gue, ato blg "kamu cantik deh hari ini", wah bisa diitung pake jari tangan selama jadian sekian taun, tapi gue tau tiap dia liat gue turun tangga dari kamar gue untuk ngedate bareng dia, matanya ga pernah bisa bohong kalau dia admire gue, kalau penantian dia selama berjem2 nungguin gue dandan ga sia2 walo masih ngomel2 sih abisnya hehehe

4. walau dia cuek banget.. kadang2 omongan gue suka ga gitu ditanggapin, tapi dengan ajaibnya, dengan hebatnya suatu saat dia bakal ngasih/lakuin sesuatu yang gue pernah omongin.. contoh konkrit aja, gue dulu selalu ngomong gue ga suka lah sama mawar merah cuma suka mawar putih yang kuncup, abis itu gue berandai2 misalnya aja ada yang kasih gue golden retriever puppy buat kado, trs gue juga suka kalau cowok puts his hand around my waist... trus dia sih denger gitu manggut2 doang, cuek2 bebek.. keki sih selalu..
tapi abis ternyata dia wujudin itu smua.. it's more than a dream comes true... semua yang gue mau jadi ga gitu berarti ketimbang dia ada di hidup gue, which is more than everything i could ask for....

masih banyak sih sign2nya..
hahaha....
next time if i remember i'll update (:

tapi so far.. kalau itu bukan cinta, apapun itu gue ga peduli...
yang penting gue tau dia care ke gue dan ga maenin gue. uda lebi dari cukup
dan amazingly sekarang dia lebi concern ke future kita berdua, which makes me happier than ever! (: