How do you...

How do you mend a broken heart that you cause by yourself?

You keep saying it's not me, it's us.
But all I am hearing in my head is myself saying this is your fault.
Silly as it might sound, maybe you are right when you say I can never synchronize my heart with my mind.
And my mind is its evil twin.

But why does everytime my mind thinks about something, my heart reacts with synchronized pain or joy?
The worst fear I always have is when people fall out of love on me.
Especially people I love the most and those I thought would never fall out of love.
When I get married, that fear became stronger.
What ifs come along.
But because I thought it is you whom I married to, maybe it will be different.
After all these times, you never once made me feel like you go that path.

"You know you make me feel like I prefer stay in the office than coming home."
Is repeating in my head.
The moment you said it, my mind went blurry and muddy.
Perhaps you are wrong about my mind as the evil twin, because my heart chose to be hurt as hell, and my mind shut itself down.
Perhaps there is no evil twin.
Perhaps mind knows and understands what my heart is going through.
And usually it acts as an older brother, protects and reacts when heart is hurt.
Mind is defending heart.
But when heart is too much in pain, mind knows what to do, it protects heart from getting hurt even more.
Shut down and let heart pours its pain into tears and ache.

I wish you could be like my mind.
Knowing when to comfort me or when to fight back.
At least if you were one, that words would not be spilled.

Do you know how much it hurt me?
It hurts me twice, three times, or countless time worse than any scar I had received before?
Because you, who chose me and whom I chose, who I thought would never once have moment or chance to say such thing, appeared to do.
Because you, who I love the most, and I believe who supposed to love me as much, would never say such thing.

I know you don't mean harm.
You said you did not feel sorry because it is not what you meant.
But why did you chase after me?
Why did you bother to try to explain?
Because you care and love me?
Or because deep inside you know, you made a mistake?
Why do I feel you have so much pride since we said I do, as if I am not equal with you and have to always look up to you?
I feel vulnerable and hurt, but you said you gave me some time alone.
But is it really what I need after everything that just happened?
But with that given, I now feel I am worthless and unloved.
You will tell me I am wrong and I don't understand a bit you mean or say.
But I do, I just feel so much pain, I don't know what to do, say or believe anymore.
You once gave me hope.
You fulfill my dreams.
But at the same time you break my heart way worse than ever.
Because I put so much beliefs in you.
Because I put you on a pedestal in my heart.
Because I thought you are different.

You have jobs to do, I completely understand.
You have workload in mind, I still try to understand.
You choose to do fun thing with you office friends, I try so hard to understand.
I never for once complain or expect your appreciation for things I do for you and our home.
But with what I have been feeling lately, which you said it's partially my own fault, then hear you say such thing..
How do you expect me to react?
Do you expect me to still understand any reason you have behind it?
I know you did not do that and you chose to face me at home every single day.
But that is not the point.
The point is even during my worst behavior, never once I thought that way.
Even during the hardship and when things become worse between us, never once such thing comes to my mind.
Never once.
Never.

And to think about that, have I sacrificed my own feeling for you? For this relationship?
What do I expect from you and what do I want?
I thought I do know.
But now I don't.

What if after I change myself, things will not get better in time?
Will there still be something out of me that bother you and cause you to think that way again?

I'm sorry I hit you again today.
But my heart is so hurtful.
I feel like I have nobody but you, but you take me for granted...

You will tell me I'm wrong again.
But you never show me the right way to do.
I feel lost and despair.
But I don't know what's left in me.
Will I survive this as a whole human being?
Or will I shatter again like I once was.

What am I to you and who are you.....

Marriage Life 101!

I AM MARRIED!

My last post was in April 2015, in which I was already engaged and preparing my wedding and now I am married (officially and finally).

What is the big deal of getting married anyway?
Why marriage seems like the last destination in people's head when we are getting older?
Is it really the last destination?
Is it true when people say marriage is like you are losing your freedom and yourself?
Because you are no longer a single human being, but two becomes one?
Is it true when men are so afraid with the commitment, thus they are afraid of marriage?
Is it true when people are so scared of getting married equals to commitment issue?
Well I am no expert, my marriage has been just 8 months old, but so much I have learned, so much I have changed along these past 8 months.

Many people ask me, by many I mean MOST PEOPLE, ask me how does life after marriage?
Well to me, life does not change that much.
I am still me, the old me, do things I do daily: work, play, have fun, go out with friends.
The differences are just: ring on my finger, wake up and go to bed with a man in my bed (which is pretty bizarre since I spent almost 27 years of my life sleeping alone), I have to do house chores more since I moved out from my parent's house, and I am a happier woman (: (oh should I count that I do laundry for men clothes now?)
The rest of my life is pretty much the same, we go out on dates, we shop groceries together, we go out for dinner, and we still go out to mall or other places walking hand in hand.
The other things that are new to me are: people questioning when will I be expecting, when I am not with my husband people ask where is he and why did not he come with me, and another common one is where do we stay right now.

To me, first few months were another level of hell.
Why so?
I do not know about other married couples, but we fought a lot and most issues were silly stuffs.
Mostly I think it was adaptation phase between two human beings with two different (family) backgrounds or lifestyles.
Like how my husband used to let the exhaust/bathroom light on.
To me it is a big NO since I am an energy saving freak.
I would say it used to be a trigger, or an initial issue that overlapped with another.
Like a snowball, things turned worse and we met hardship, thus we shout to each other and made things even worse.
But then we carried something from our dating phase relationship, one thing that we will never throw away; our ability to addressing elephant in the room and find solution.
I think it is our strong suit as a couple, no matter what we never want to go to bed mad to each other.
And we always remember our wedding vow, no matter what we are one and we shall walk together until the end of time.
Cliche as it sounds, to me, it is the key to a healthy and strong relationship. Married or not just yet.

What's hard for me is to adapt how to stay mad with the person who annoys you nearby.
Well our house is so small that even when you stay inside bedroom and he is outside, you can hear his breathing and when you are mad, believe me, his presence is the most annoying thing in the world at that very moment and I am tortured.
I cannot think clear and I cannot calm myself.
Then you have to deal with household, like cooking for the two of you.
What happens when you cook while you mad?
Well bad things happen.
Slowly but sure, I manage to adjust and manage myself to adapt with the situation.
Well we must take baby steps until we are full grown, right?

There was time when I thought I could not take anything anymore.
We fought constantly for days, continuously. Nonstop.
I am tired. He is tired.
I am overwhelmed with stuffs.
He is overworked himself.
Stress.
Tired.
We fight.
I am tired of explaining myself and expecting him to understand.
He is tired hearing my shouting voice and reluctant to make amend.
Well basically love turns into war.
I wanted to run away.
I wanted to say it is over.
I wanted to say how I hate this man so much.
I wanted to give up.
But then I realised one thing.
We get married, not to become somebody else we were not.
Not to become someone that our loved one likes or wants.
Not to lose ourselves.
Not to lose our freedom.
Not to lose parts of ourselves.
And most importantly not to lose our life.
We decide to get married because we love that special one and we want to share our life, our love with them.
To raise a family.
To build a home.
And most certain not to lose our freedom to live life we want, because we choose to stay our relationship and to move it further.
When we are married, we are not bound by our wedding vows.
Not be bound by our religion rules --til death do us part.
Not to be bound by a piece of marriage certificate.
Not to be bound by these rings.
When we are married, we have option, we have freedom, we have chance to run away or stay, to walk away alone or move forward together.
When we are married, we still have choice to stay or go, but we choose to stay, because we want to fight for whatever we initially started.

When people say their lives are taken away because of marriage or their spouse or their kids, I can safely say, they are jerks.
You chose your love in the first place, what makes you think somebody done you wrong and turn your life around, when you, yourself, was aware with your own choice.
That kind of bullshit, I often hear, people regret their decision.
Well, suck it up because you play the game without knowing the rules and judge the game is bad because you are suck at it. Or blame the other players.
To me personally, the key is to understand, some things are meant to be accepted, not understood.
Reflect to yourself and talk. Communication is your bff.
As my husband always say, happy wife, happy life.
True to that, happy husband = happy wife = happy life (:
Make each other happy, it is a never-ending effort. Lifetime.

Cheers,
mel

breakeven.

I believe that whatever someone feels, somewhere in another part of the world,a person feels that exact feeling. It means you never feel alone.

But no matter what, when you cry, you know you cry by yourself.
And all of sudden you feel so lonely and as if the world is sinking.

You feel like you have done all you could to make someone happy.
You changed your worst to the best you could, at least better.
But you reach one point where you feel only bitterness.
Like all you've done means nothing.
And you don't even know what you have left to offer.

Have you ever felt so broken that you start wondering if your shattered heart could ever be whole again?
You feel alive but you're barely breathing, you're choking each time you remember a particular person or memory.

You feel the angst inside is raging, but there is nothing you can do.
You don't have reason to react.
You don't have the fuel to channel the feeling inside.
All you know is you're broken and you don't feel you don't deserve to be loved.
Even if you do, who is gonna love you the way you needed?

You begin to feel worthless, as if you have zero reason to be alive.
All the purposes you thought you were are all gone and you are left with hopeless feeling.
And it is not pleasant at all.

I don't know what about other people feel, but I always feel being left is always harder than to leave.
To leave, you have every reason to do it.
Either it's a decision, an anger, a bursting tears, a broken heart.
But to be left, you barely have choice.
The only option you got is to survive.
And even surviving is not easy when you feel you don't need one.

So many times I decide to hold my tongue, don't want to start another argument.
But I am so trained to speak every time I have something in mind and that's bothering me.
Sometimes I feel like the only thing I have to do is to suck things up.
It's easier to spill or do something and regret it and to say sorry afterwards, than to fix a broken person.
I sometimes wonder, how many times a person can be broken until they cannot handle and end up self-destroy?
How big a person's heart until they can no longer forgive and forget?
And how patience a person is until they can't handle one sided communication? As if they forget how to speak a language and lost their mind to get their feelings acrossed?

Then things seem so familiar, like you have been there before and it starts to scare you.
The what if's begin to creep in.
Have you ever felt a familiar broken hearted feeling?
Like you once felt that way, got through but now you begin to feel it again?
You're so scared you have to feel everything all over again?
When you remember it clearly you didn't do well at fixing yourself back then?
You start to wonder, are you even stronger now? Or weaker?
And you begin to question why does it always happen to you?
When all you ever wanted is just to be loved.

differential.

Hello, udah berapa lama saya gak update blog ini ya?
Post terakhir di 2013. Dua tahun yang lalu. WOW!

Trust me, a lot of things happened in two years!

Mungkin saya gak pantes nulis post yang satu ini, atau mungkin banyak orang gak setuju sama apa yang mau saya tulis.
Tapi intinya disini, saya mau sharing apa yang selama ini saya rasain dan selalu jadi ganjelan di hati setiap kali issue ini muncul di hidup saya.
Saya gak ada maksud untuk menyinggung kalangan manapun atau menunjuk siapapun yang mungkin merasa "Kok ini orang kayak ngomongin saya?"
Point saya tulis apa yang nanti saya tulis bukan menunjuk pada masalah general yang jadi momok di lingkungan kita hidup, tapi yang jadi inti permasalahan adalah kenapa issue general itu selalu dihubung-hubungkan sama issue utama dari cerita saya.

Koin aja punya dua sisi, setiap cerita pasti ada dua sisi berbeda, dan ini sisi dari saya...

I am getting married.
Yes. Very soon.
And by very soon, it means I have to take care of all files in order for me to get legally married.

Karena berhubung agama saya Katolik, jadi ada serangkaian berkas yang harus saya urus, baik itu ke gereja atau juga ke ketua lingkungan dimana saya tinggal.
Dalam Katolik, dimanapun kita berdomisili, disitu pasti ada perkumpulan atau grup umat gereja di Paroki tersebut (baca: di lingkungan dimana kita tinggal pasti ada gereja terdekat, dan itu adalah pusatnya) yang tugasnya membantu umat sekitar untuk urusan berkas gereja, koordinasi acara, dan lain-lain.

Mungkin udah keliatan kemana arah cerita saya menuju ya?

Waktu saya urus berkas-berkas, muncul sebuah wacana yang gak pernah ada habisnya muncul terus dalam hidup saya.
Sebenarnya saya gak pernah take it seriously, atau ngerasa offended by it, atau juga tersinggung karena orang bring up issue ini.
Tapi selalu bikin saya mikir, kenapa beberapa kalangan orang selalu bikin hal ini jadi major issue dalam hidup mereka (setidaknya dari cara mereka bicara terkesan benar-benar against sama hal ini).
Nah dari major issue ini terus bercabang deh jadi beberapa issue yang menurut saya selalu dikait-kaitkan satu sama lain.
Saya gak pernah bilang salah atau benar, karena buat saya, saya gak pusingin hidup orang lain. Tapi karena kebetulan di dalam lingkup keluarga saya banyak yang kasusnya sama, issue ini nyentil saya banget.

Major issue disini adalah agama.
Sub-majornya yang pertama adalah perbedaan agama.

Saya pernah di posisi dimana saya punya hubungan sama orang yang beda agama dari saya.
Orang bilang kalau orang beda agama biasanya gak bertahan lama, atau kedepannya gak akan mulus/berakhir dengan baik, kalaupun ada, pasti rare case sekali dan bisa dihitung jari.
Terus orang bilang kalau beda agama urusnya sulit di Indonesia (ini bener).
Terus orang juga bilang kalau maksa nikah beda agama, nantinya bisa ribut gara-gara urusan agama itu.
Bla bla bla.
Kalau mau dikasih contoh bisa sampai besok gak habis saya tulis.
Kalau menurut saya, beda agama terus so what?
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah.
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah karena pengurusannya yang sulit dan dipersulit.
Agama bukan alasan buat dua orang batal menikah karena berpikir ke depannya bakal jadi problem dalam kehidupan mereka berdua.
Agama dijadiin issue buat gak jadi sama orang yang bener-bener kita sayang, itu masalah.

Saya gak bilang orang yang pindah agama demi pasangannya itu bukan orang yang benar, saya gak ada hak buat bilang seseorang itu benar atau tidak cuma karena dia pindah agama.
Saya percaya Tuhan itu satu.
Semua agama gak ada yang ajarin hal-hal buruk.
Kalau ada orang bilang agama A itu jelek atau agama B itu gak bener umatnya, buat saya orang itu gak ngerti bahwa itu dasarnya orang-orangnya saja yang jelek tabiatnya dan hidupnya gak bener tapi kebetulan orang yang dimaksud itu memeluk agama yang disangkut-sangkutkan.

Apa ada agama yang ajarin orang yang sudah menikah untuk bercerai dalam kondisi apapun?
Sejelek-jeleknya sebuah pernikahan, buat saya kalau sudah komitmen dari awal memilih pasangan itu sendiri tanpa ada paksaan dan sudah memutuskan buat menikah, tolong diingat lagi janji nikahnya seperti apa. Buat saya gak ada alasan cerai kecuali memang dipisahkan oleh maut.

Ada agama yang ajarin mencuri atau merampok?
Ada agama yang ajarin berdusta? Membunuh? Menyakiti orang lain?
Semua agama mengajarkan kasih.
Kasih sama Tuhannya, sama sesamanya, sama makhluk hidup lainnya, sama diri sendiri.

Terus balik lagi ke inti masalahnya, dimana agama jadi momok dalam soal pernikahan.
Kalau sudah sama agamanya, masalahnya ada lain lagi.
Sering ibadah bareng gak?
Suka berdoa bareng gak?
Terus kalau imannya gak kuat, nanti pernikahannya bisa hancur kalau ada cobaan berat yang menghadang.
Saya setuju kalau orang bilang sebuah pernikahan dasarnya/pusatnya/corenya itu Tuhan, karena menurut saya, dengan percaya sama Tuhan, orang punya rasa takut.
Takut bikin dosa, takut nyakitin orang lain, takut buat melakukan yang jahat atau negatif intinya kalau menurut saya sih.
Dan dengan semua rasa takut itu, otomatis seseorang jadi orang yg gak akan sia-siain pasangannya dalam cara apapun.
Tapi kalau orang bilang cuma karena gak pernah beribadah terus pernikahannya bisa goyah sih saya gak percaya dan gak akan pernah bisa terima pernyataan itu.
Kembali lagi bahwa semua agama mengajarkan kebaikan, kalau ada orang yang memeluk agama apapun tapi tetap berbuat jahat sama orang, itu orangnya aja yang emang jahat, gak ada hubungan sama agamanya atau seberapa sering dia berdoa atau beribadah.
Manusia tidak ada yang sempurna dan manusia punya pilihan buat melakukan yang baik-baik atau yang jahat-jahat.
Saya cuma lihat masih banyak orang yang saya kenal atau lihat pakai mata kepala sendiri, rajin sih ibadahnya, cuma kehidupan sehari-hari sama orang lain gak mencerminkan ibadahnya.
Sekarang kalau ke tempat ibadah, di sana kita dengar pemimpin ibadahnya bicara mengenai hal-hal yang baik yang kita harusnya lakuin di dunia kan?
Kalau baru selesai ibadah, baru saja sampai di parkiran, terus ribut sama orang lain cuma gara-gara diserobot jalan keluarnya, apa itu sudah benar atau cukup ibadahnya?
Familiar sama hal-hal seperti itu?
Makanya saya gak pernah setuju orang mengukur iman orang lain (soal ukur-mengukur ini saja saya gak pernah setuju) cuma dari seberapa sering orang itu beribadah dan berdoa.
Tanpa tahu hidupnya sehari-hari orang tersebut seperti apa dan bagaimana.
Ada lagi kasus orang yang sepertinya (kelihatannya) sempurna; rajin beribadah, rajin nolongin orang lain, tapi di rumah atau di dalam lingkup keluarganya saja dia gamau turun tangan untuk bantu.
Kalau begitu apa dia orang benar? Cukup benar? Setengah benar?
Saya gak pernah mau pusingin hidup orang seperti apa, atau ibadahnya seperti apa, baik apa enggak orang itu sama keluarganya atau tetangganya, atau apapun soal agama orang lain.
Cukup dia sama Tuhannya saja yang tau, maka itu saya selalu ngerasa kadang orang terlalu "intim" mendadak kalau ngomongin soal agama, apalagi kalau tahu saya gak melakukan hal-hal pada umumnya yang seharusnya dilakukan oleh seorang Katolik. :p

Kembali ke kasus dimana rajin beribadah dan berdoa mendukung suksesnya sebuah pernikahan karena kalau ada benturan, doa akan menyelamatkan. Tuhan akan menyelamatkan.
Saya sudah pernah dengar banyak kasus kesaksian orang hampir bercerai, lantas karena berubah jadi rajin beribadah dan berdoa, serta rajin mendoakan istri/suaminya, tidak jadi bercerai. Atau suami/istrinya berubah jadi baik lagi. Ya semacam-macam begitu.
Sebuah hubungan (saya gausah jauh-jauh ngomongin pasangan suami istri), mau itu hubungan teman, pacaran, tetanggaan, apapun itu, selalu butuh dua orang untuk bisa jalan.
It takes two to tango. ALWAYS.
Itu yang saya yakinin.
Sebuah hubungan pasti ada ups and downs-nya, pasti ada cobaannya, mungkin hubungan pasangan itu lebih complex karena dua orang yang berkomitmen untuk menjalankan sebuah hubungan kan sifatnya intimate; ada sebuah janji, ada sebuah harapan sama mimpi. Jadi kalau ada masalah, biasanya lebih ruwet dan kalau berantem lebih heboh.
Tapi coba dipikir, namanya pasangan, kalau ada masalah, apa masalah itu timbul dari salah satu pihak saja?
Kembali lagi it takes two to tango.
Ada sebab ada akibat.
Dan setiap koin ada dua sisi.
Dan hal paling penting yang harus dijunjung tinggi dalam sebuah hubungan itu adalah komunikasi.
Mau berhubungan baik sama orang lain ya harus komunikasi yang baik.
Percuma punya rasa sayang kalau gak bisa berkomunikasi satu sama lain.
Suatu saat timbul masalah, apa rasa sayang saja cukup?
Kalau dua orang dalam satu hubungan sudah gak bisa komunikasi lagi, buat saya itu disaster.

Dengan komunikasi itu, nanti hal-hal baik pasti ikut muncul dengan sendirinya.
Faith.
Loyalty.
Honesty.
Trust.
Even love needs to be communicated, not only verbally but also with actions.

Saya gak perlu panjang-panjang jelasin kriteria cowok seperti apa yang saya mau, saya cukup bilang saya mau seseorang yang bisa saya ajak bicara dalam bentuk apapun dan nyambung sama saya. Itu sudah lebih dari cukup.
Dengan komunikasi yang baik, gak akan ada yang namanya misunderstanding.
Gak akan ada berantem berkepanjangan.
Dan yang saya maksud komunikasi disini bukan cuma ngomong ya, tapi juga dengerin. Give and take. Kalau cuma mau ngomong aja tanpa dengerin pasangan kita juga kan egois. Balik lagi setiap koin ada dua sisi.
Kalau ada misunderstanding ya dibicarakan.
Kalau ada sebuah issue, small or big, ya dibicarakan.

Terus apa hubungannya daritadi saya bicara tentang komunikasi sama inti masalahnya?

Simple-nya saya bisa bilang, Tuhan bantu kita kasih jalan kalau kita minta dalam doa, di waktu kita ngerasa buntu sama sebuah masalah. Tapi kalau kita nya juga gak usaha, apa semua bisa magically happens?
Saya percaya mukjijat dan berkat Tuhan, tapi saya gak percaya orang yang cuma diam saja gak mau melakukan apa-apa itu hidupnya lancar-lancar saja.
Berserah sama menyerah itu beda.
Yang satu itu tetap berusaha tapi menjalani apa adanya, yang satu lagi gak mau berusaha sama sekali.
Saya rasa Tuhan juga bisa lihat mana yang berserah mana yang menyerah.
Kalau ada orang yang menyerah, yang dikasih kemudahan dalam hidupnya sama Tuhannya, coba kenalan/kenalin sama saya.
Di balik orang ngomong "I give up" itu masih ada hope, ada pengharapan.
Kasarnya saya bilang, masih ngarep.
Tapi kalau ngarepnya mukjijat terjadi begitu aja kayak sulap terus semuanya tiba-tiba bim salabim baik-baik saja, sampai langit tukeran posisi sama air laut juga gak akan pernah dapet mukjijatnya.

Balik lagi ke cerita yang saya mau sharing.
Sorry kalau ada yang offended sama cerita saya, tapi saya gak ada maksud apa-apa cerita ini semua.
Papa saya lahir di keluarga yang Kristennya cukup kental, mama saya dari keluarga Katolik.
Waktu nikah, papa kayaknya pindah agama karena sekarang saya tahunya di KTP tulisannya ya Katolik dan juga terdaftar sebagai kepala keluarga yang sah di kartu keluarga paroki gereja dimana saya berdomisili (kalau di Katolik, kalau kepala keluarga (papa) bukan beragama Katolik, maka istrinya yang punya titel kepala keluarga di kartu keluarga tersebut, saya juga baru tahu soal ini).
Saya gak begitu tahu alasannya kenapa, tapi saya tahu, nenek dari papa saya selalu pesan begini: "Kalau seorang laki-laki benar-benar mencintai perempuannya, maka dia harus ikut agama pasangannya kalau ingin menikah."
Mungkin itu alasan kenapa papa saya pindah, atau mungkin plain love with my mom back then.
Who knows, and I don't bother to ask why, all I know I am loved by them and they are perfectly in good relationship until this very second.

Itu kan dari keluarga inti saya.
Kakak dari papa saya menikah dengan seorang muslim. Dan sekarang mereka berdua sudah resmi menjadi Bapak Haji dan Ibu Hajjah.
Dan sampai detik ini pernikahan mereka baik-baik saja, dan kita sekeluarga besar juga baik-baik saja.

Dan itu masih dalam lingkup keluarga saya juga.
Calon suami saya punya orang tua yang juga beda agama.
Dan mereka perfectly fine sampai detik ini juga.

Jadi, apa agama itu jadi masalah buat sebuah pernikahan?
Apa kalau beda agama itu jadi masalah?

Itu kan cuma paradigma orang dan society yang selalu memicingkan mata kalau ada dua pasang laki-laki dan perempuan dengan agama yang berbeda ingin menjalin hubungan.
Gausah jauh-jauh ngomongin pernikahan, pacaran aja belum tentu disetujuin.

Papa saya selalu bilang, cari orang yang benar.
Tapi sebelum cari orang benar itu, kamu harus jadi orang yang benar dulu.
Jadi kamu tahu mana yang benar mana yang salah.
Dan itu yang saya pegang sampai detik ini.

Saya gak pernah ada maksud bilang orang gausah beribadah lagi, gausah berdoa lagi, atau gapapa kalau cari pasangan yang gak ngelakuin itu semua. Enggak.
Setiap orang punya prinsip sendiri-sendiri.
Prinsip saya ya seperti yang papa saya pesankan, cari orang yang benar.
Karena buat saya lebih baik saya sama orang yang tahu bagaimana harus menjalani hidup, daripada orang yang fanatik sama agamanya tapi gatau bagaimana menghargai orang lain dan makhluk hidup lainnya.
Kalau bisa dapat yang ibadahnya kuat PLUS orang benar, itu kan kayak dapat harta karun, dan kalau ada yang dapat itu, bersyukurlah, karena Tuhan itu baik sekali.
Lakukan yang menurut kamu benar, selama itu gak menyakiti orang lain dalam bentuk apapun. (:
Dan sebelum kamu judge kehidupan orang lain, coba diinget dulu seberapa sempurna hidup kamu?

mel

Saleshitty.

Baru aja selesai booking tiket kereta api, sengaja pakai telepon rumah biar gak ribet in case ada kepentingan KAI via telepon, langsung ditelepon sama sales asuransi di TELEPON rumah.

I don't really understand where is the existence of privacy in this current world?

How can a form asks you to fill in the telephone or mobile phone number, and then it will MAGICALLY distributed to banks and insurance companies that I don't even have an account there.

It's really, mutilating the privacy of every single person exists on earth.

I think every sales in this country, should come with ID caller, I mean, each time they call, the owner of the phone has the right to reject if they don't need every credit card or insurance on this earth.

Like me.

Yes, consider me a caveman who doesn't need any of those material things.

So next year if there is another BLACK innovation award thingy happening again, I would create a thing called SALESMAN alarm alert device. To be attached to each single phone out there, for people who have precious time than to listen to their useless rubbish babbling about useless products.

I mean, seriously, one time.

This one time, I was driving rushingly to go to a meeting, I put on a handsfree just in case my colleague wanted to contact me to ask where I am. And because of this handsfree, I automatically accepted every phone call, because driving in highway means too busy focusing on the road instead of my phone screen just to check who is calling.

So this one really PAIN-IN-MY-EFFING-AS*-SALESWOMAN (PIMEAS) called.

As usual every sales comes with bullshit intro

"Hello I am PIMEAS from xxxx bank I would like to offer you a thankful gratitude promotion of blablablablablablablablablablablalballbalablalablblabla" (please, go to hellest hell)

And so I cut her out: "Please tell me what you want? I am driving, cut the nonsense."

And yet, I am sure because of her MUST-GIVE-BULLSHIT-NONSENSE-INTRO-AND-SWEET-TALK-NASTY-RUBBISH-TALK in the first place, she kept talking like a robot.

Creepy salesrobot.

She kept speaking her DIE-DIE-MUST-DO speech: "yes please allow me to give you a little bit info--"

and I snapped her off (because I was rushing for my meeting and I must bear in mind what I would like to present later on, I really don't have time for this stupid ignorant sales who has no idea about DO NOT PHONING WHILE DRIVING) "mbak! saya udah bilang saya lagi nyetir, bagian mana yang ga dimengerti kalau saya bilang to the point aja maunya apa, kalau cuma mau nawarin kartu kredit, saya ga butuh, makasih!"

and before i rampagely hung up the phone, she continued her babbling: "I just want to offer you blablabla"

and i threw my phone to the passenger seat.

I really wanted to tell her how stupid she is, but I really had no time.

I might sound harsh, but really, sometimes they're so stupid and don't the hell care about people's time and business.

And if they don't, so why should I?

There's another one when I was luckily sitting down watching tv, a salesman called. As usual he talked all the nonsense and got to the point 10 minutes after (because I put him on loudspeaker, so I could see the clock),

he wanted to offer me insurance policy, in which, I am a caveman, I don't need one.

So he insisted to ask me questions like which insurance do I use, and why, and he kept talking about his products.

So because I don't use any, I told him I have no insurance, yet he kept asking "what do you think about your current insurance policy, what do they cover?"

and I patiently told him, "mas, saya bilang saya gak pakai asuransi apa-apa."

and he miraculously asked again, "jadi asuransi ibu biasa menawarkan kelebihan apa?"

so I began very impatient, not because of the call, but because of his stupidity.

I said: "mas, saya udah bilang 3x kalau saya gak pakai asuransi apa-apa, klo mas mau tanya sampe bego kelebihan asuransi saya apa, yang budek itu mas, apa saya? saya ga pakai asuransi dan ga berniat pakai asuransi apapun."

and he said "tapi asuransi xxx punya kelebihan dibanding asuransi lain loh bu, di kami menyediakan blablablablablabla"

and so I felt like I wanted to poo listening to this stupid guy, I said: "mas, gausa cape-cape ngomong lagi, saya ga butuh asuransi. terima kasih."

So I hung up.

I might be harsh, but at least I know how to say Thank You, the least I can do.

For their stupidity and their ignorant.

And the most annoying thing they always say: "can I have your time?"
NO!
UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO RELEASEEEE THE KRAKEN!
NO!

how can you ask for my precious sleeping time? eating time? pooping time?
NO!

EVER!

I'd rather give my time for my pups or cats, or plants. anything but listening to rubbish.

NO!
MY POOR EAR, NO!

seriously.

Can people do smarter speech on the phone?

Or at least back to my idea, every sales come with CALLER ID, whether it's at home phone or mobile phone.

So I don't spend several minutes of my life yelling and cursing at people.

Seriously, stupid salesmen add several pounds of sins into my life.

It's irritatingly annoying.

And there's another sales that has a very strong and brave and shameless energy.

This one sales from Sinarmas, who keeps calling over my home phone and mobile phone, keep asking to speak to me, yet I pretend there's noone with that name in the house nor phone user.

It's really funny to see, how they are so persistent, even they offer their products to my maid (alright next time I will teach my retriever and my cats to answer phone so those salesmen will earn better salary by talking to more victims, YOU'RE WELCOME).

Or maybe I would speak different languages to see how they react. Maybe they speak alien language too, don't know.

Maybe they're one.

I shall be an honored predator to hunt each of their brains.

WOW.

Their persistent attitude is to be bowed at.
I might offer standing applause when they keep talking on the phone.

Even, EVEN if they call the wrong number/people, they keep offering what they have.

It's like "hello, I have no shame, let me tell you this........"

And I'm like, "FAGGOT!"

I am sorry for I might be offending...or not.

I don't feel sorry, because those sales don't feel sorry for wasting my time.

I might be very rude and offensive.

A friend of mine telling me: "hey don't be so harsh, can you imagine if you were treated that way?"

Well no, because I will never be one.

It's not even an option.

I am not good at talking anyway.

The company will surely fire me within 1 month anyway.

But sometimes the timing is not right, and I am extremely pissed off when my data is being distributed without my permission.

Do people even respect others' privacy?

Phone number is privacy. It's a space where I, supposedly, able to choose who can intrude my space and who can't.

Remember those old days where getting someone's phone number is like digging gold?
Your crush.
Your eye candy.
It's like HALLELUJAH!
Nowadays I guess to get my crush's phone number, I could easily sign for sales job and HUNT HIM DOWN!
OH YES!
OH YEAH!

creepy......

But with this current condition, I don't have my own space.

It's like people can just step into my zone and they even have my banking data.

It's creepy.

It's like a cult.

I don't want to be in, but forced to be.

So what's the difference between those salesmen and those people who are religion or certain group fanatics?

It's the same.

People are so threatened by the existence of certain groups of religions or people who are DIFFERENT --well, if you know what I mean.

How can people not realize that this salesman activity is one of them?

They are creepily access all of our informations.

Name, phone number, even home address, bank account, insurance policy.

Everything.

What will happen in the future?

I am too scared to imagine.

But seriously.

It has to stop.

This is not right.

And I am badly concerned.

I really feel uncomfortable by this whole thing.

Each time I ask those salesman, where do they get my number, they always say it's confidential.

Well f*ck you, if it's confidential, so why can you, who I don't even know, can access my phone number and know my name?

And I always tell them, if they can't tell me where do they get it, don't dream to get time to talk to me.

PERIOD.

YOU, all telemarketer people are creepy.

Good day to be a tiger.

People,You can never change the way they feel,Better let them do just what they will,For they will,If you let them,Steal your heart from you,People,Will always make a lover feel a fool,But you knew I loved you,We could have shown them all,We should have seen love through,

Kissing a fool, eh?
People, people tend (notice that I don't use the word 'always'?) to give score according to what's on surface.
To what they see, they feel, they think, and they experience.
But can we really give score about others just by those things?

People, see us, see me, see you, merely by what we wear, how we behave, how we speak, how we tell stories, how we talk to each other, how we think -referring back to 'how we talk to each other', how we act, how we eat, what we eat, what we have, who we are with.

But is that really?

What about what we do during late at night in our room alone?
What about the sobbing?
The crying?
The mourning?
The worrying?
The saddest things we feel?
Our anger?
Our disappointment?
Our pain?
The hurt?
The tears?
The broken heart?
The struggle?
The surviving mode?
The fight?
The battle?
Everything that you or anybody else cannot feel?

Your empathy does not make you better than I am or anybody else.
Your sense of logic does not make you any greater.
Your super power of feeling hurt and disappointed and betrayed does not make you any better person.

Everybody has been hurt before.
Greater pain or better recovery does not make us better than anybody else.
Everybody had their own battle in life.

You cannot simply judge, "Oh she's...." or "Oh I bet he is...."
just by words you hear, or things you think it's true.
Because nothing is truer than our own self in this entire universe.
That what makes human beings are such selfish bitches.
Yep, we are selfish bitches.
I admit that I tend to judge people simply by what they're wearing.

Example, who wears super mini skirt and super tower heels and all make up early in the morning at the airport to local destination?
Seriously.

First reaction: BIMBO.
Second reaction: meh, still bimbo.

I am sorry but that's reality.
I am a bitch just because I can. (:

But then who knows what she went through earlier that day? or the night before?
Maybe that bimbo woman encountered something shitty?
Maybe it's her way showing her tough side?
Maybe it's her way fighting her battle?
Inner battle?
You never know...
If you have judgement, just keep it to yourself.
Social media is not a good place to spread your inner selfish bitchiness.
But then, who am I to tell people what to do, right?

For what I know, social media is PERSONAL WAY of showing what we feel, see, touch, EAT, think, etc.
But then it does not mean you can spread your stupidity to the world.
I mean, do you want to look stupid?
Of course not.

Because best quote ever is:

A tiger does not lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

You can give stupid opinion.
Well, unless you want to be a sheep.......?
Give smart opinion and be a tiger (:

Once Upon A Time.

I am 25 and I am not married.

What's the big deal?
Many people are getting married after 25 or even in their 30s.
So what's the big deal?

The deal is probably not big but sure there are a few.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed to have a beautiful man, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful place to get married. And they lived happily ever after.

Sounds familiar?
I bet.

But in reality, it bites you in ass, big time.
Marriage used to be so easy.
It's either your parents chose your mate or you met your "The One" and got married.
Economical issue has been playing big part in today's society.
Many things related to financial have become major issue in why people nowadays are getting married in late age compared to years back.

Maybe it's true.
Maybe marriage is not always about love.
Marriage takes two people in love, and bunch of big families to dwell, and of course money to make it happen.

What if you don't have the money?
You earn it with sweat and blood.

What if you don't have "The One"?
Find it.

What if there's a problem with big families?
Solve it.

Oh God I wish it were that easy.
Oh wait, maybe it is, that easy.
Maybe we complicate things, no?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed to have a beautiful man, a beautiful dress, and a beautiful place to get married. But as years went by, she had no idea her dream would be one day become disheartening. That little girl had become a grown up woman who had better and clear vision of what her dream was about. She wanted it to become real as soon as possible because after all, she was a woman. She had vision, ambition, big dream, and good plan to accomplish that. But, one day she realized that her dream takes more than herself to achieve. She needed someone, her other half, to reach that dream. She had second thought whether this man she had been dating with was the right one or not. Because if he were, wouldn't it be easy? As time went by like speed of light. She saw her dream slowly faded after some times. But she kept on persistent with what she believed in. So she pushed, she asked for it, and she demanded it. But she forgot that, again, it takes more than herself to accomplish this task. One day she knew everything would disappear as she blinked away. She did. She chose to. Probably because she had no choice left. When that day came, she smiled and told herself "Hey, this isn't so bad, maybe next year. Maybe. Who knows? Who knows what the future holds." And she kept believe in, although she began to doubt the thought of it. Another year passed by and she saw her dream crashed, landed in pieces in front of her eyes, again. And again, she smiled and told herself, "It's okay. It won't be too long. You just have to be patient and wait. Because patient brings fruitful joy." And so that what everybody was telling her. So she listened. Because she knew there was no way she could run to grasp the dream. One day she asked the same question again, just to reassure how it was going to be. When it was going to happen. Because after all, what she needed was just security and assurance --a proof, a visible proof, that it was going to happen, for real. So that she had something to keep in mind, something she carried along to face her bright future, her days. Something she could believe in. Something that made her trust her dream, trust people, and trust reality. Something that she could smile about for every single day. Something she had to fight for. Something she hold on. But I guess what she wanted was too much. She began to think, it was not going to happen. She began to think, she was such a maniac, a lunatic, a silly human being who kept on thinking about the dream. Rather than creating path to get there. Poor her, she was so naive. One year had passed. She began to learn how to shut her dream down and moved on. But reality really bit her. Questions came. She was not even ready. She just didn't want to answer. Because she had no something she wished she had. She never blamed anybody else for what had happened. Because she knew it very well, it was not easy so she wouldn't want to push any further. Her dream crashed and so did she. She once wondered if she would eventually meet her beautiful man, beautiful dress, and beautiful place to grasp her dream. But she then told herself, "Look, it's impossible. Just forget it. It has hurt you so much. Why would you want to hurt yourself even more? You know it very well it is not easy. And you know it too well, it takes more than who you are, what you are, yourself, to achieve that. And who are you, being able to control every single effing things on this earth? You are just a naive and a dreamer. And have some dignity in you. You are a woman, a grown up woman, for Godsake. Just live in reality. Face it. Grow up!" And so she did. Would she live happily ever after by herself? Who knows. Who knows what the future holds. All she had in mind is how to keep her heart from being broken again. Not a slightest chance. The end.

Bad Relationship.

Most of the time I find myself questioning the idea of "why the hell people bother............"
Bothering in many different ways.
Like, love life, LIFE itself, basically almost everything.
Some people say that people bother because they care. Really?
I thought people bother because they are just basically NOSY.
People are so phony that they just want to know every little detail just to make sure they run their mouths about it.
You see, it's human basic nature to KNOW about everything, to be CURIOUS about everything.
But what happens in my life recently, is actually people trying to step into my life without considering whether it's affecting me or not, whether they understand or not.
It doesn't matter to them if they do not understand the idea or what it feels like, what matters the most is that they acknowledge something that is required - in which i really have no idea why people are so eager to find out about other's life.
Seriously, I don't really care if one get married, have baby, get divorced, and re-married.
Most people find it daunting or revolting, but really?
How do you see it?
Do you see it from YOUR life point of view - in which throughout your life you have never experienced anything close to that kind of shit?
OR
Do you see it from the way you try to empathize or pity that particular person?
EITHER way won't work.
Because the idea of YOU, trying to empathize is just not enough, not even close.
There is a big difference in experiencing the actual shit and just trying to embrace and put yourself in that situation.
No matter how sensitive you are, you just can't.
In the end what you would actually give is mere pity and casual sympathy.

Simplest example, when people find out you break up with somebody, the first question pops up is: HOW COME?
seriously? "How come" is like you stab someone's flesh and ask "how does it feel?"
IT IS OBVIOUS that something happened.
The next question after answering that first silly question is: WHO BROKE WHO?
This is tricky.
When a girl breaks up with a boy, people will see either this girl is seeing somebody else or the boy is a jerk so she breaks up with him.
Can't there be any other possibilities?
Possibility #1: she is a jerk and he is a victim.
Possibility #2: he is a jerk and she is too. So it is equal.
Possibility #3: false alarm. They thought they were meant to be but appeared not in the end.
Possibility #4: both decision because they are smart enough to stop stupid relationship that has no future.
Possibility #5: she's fed up with ever-changing-no-future-situation that makes her waste her time or vice versa.
and millions other possibilities that I am too lazy to wander around.

But then the next question or statement, or anything that will pop up is: WHY CAN'T YOU WORK THINGS OUT? CAN'T THERE BE ANOTHER CHANCE FOR YOU TWO TO GET BACK TOGETHER?

It's like coming back to the first question ever. Like it's not clear enough why two break up in the first place.
It's like asking "is it painful?" when you sprinkle salt into open wound.

What happened to me is that people find out I broke him up and they start to question "why did i do that", "what happened during the last 5 years?", "can't you work things out?", "how does it make him feel?", "do you still love him?", "does he feel okay about it?" and so on.

But is it fulfilling their needs if i answer all of those questions?
No.
Not a slight chance.
They will keep asking me questions and giving me statements which make me want to rip my heart out and smack it into their faces. (sarcasm alert)

The worst statement that still lingers in my brain is when one person said: You mistreated him badly.
ME?
Right, of course it's me.
I'm the one who broke him up.
I'm the one who is seeing another man.
and I'm the bad guy.

But then do I care?
*laughing like hyena*
Nope.
I only care when people say things when they even forget to put their brains on.
It's merely stupid statement that I find very intriguing to discuss.

People can be so offensive, so why can't I?

Who went through the last 5 years?
Who felt every littlest detail for the last 5 years?
Who knew how difficult it was to figure every way out?
Who understood the feeling of being in that relationship?

Do I waste my time? NO.
I don't think the last 5 years all I did was wasting my time.
He once made me fall head over heels.
He once showed me how to laugh and cry.
It's fair enough I spent the last 5 years to understand what kind of relationship I really want.
It's worth this understanding, what I want and what I don't want.
It made me stronger and wiser.
And what makes me extremely thankful is how it made me finally found someone who can fulfill those empty gaps throughout the past few years.

Bad relationship makes you understand what good relationship feels like.
Bad relationship makes you understand that you are strong enough to stand on your on feet.
Bad relationship shows that there is a better person out there.
Bad relationship shows that you are more than capable of getting closer to the perfect one.
Bad relationship shows how awesome your ability to survive is.
Bad relationship makes you learn that tears are only for those who worth it.
Bad relationship makes you learn that you are not alone who goes through hell.
But most important things is that, bad relationship is a mere stepping stones to happily ever after (:

Lingering with impossibility.

I just want someone who i can call on my own.
Who is crazily enough just to stay awake with me all night.
Who is strong enough, to just constantly and patiently hugging me all night long, giving me affection, loving me without expecting me to do the same.
I want someone who knows me too well, even he knows what i am about to say before i do say it.
I want someone who is willingly wait and smile outside my house during pouring rain just to see me.
I want someone who thinks everyday is like the last chance for him to see me, to be with me. So that he never gets tired loving me.
I want someone who doesn't acknowledge the word "tired", "sleepy", "sick".
I want someone who always adores me even there are so many beautiful girls before me.
I want someone who always looks in me in the eyes each time he sees me, with that exact same sparkle in his eyes.
I want someone who never gets tired to bear with my stupidity, stubbornness, and emotions.
I want someone who knows that i am madly in love with him and always smiles whenever he remembers that.
I want someone who holds me in his arms whenever i am about to run away.
I want someone who pull me closer whenever i walk away.
I want someone who sits silently beside me whenever i don't feel like talking at all. And then he smiles at me and loves me with his soothing eyes, tells me "everything is gonna be alright"
I want someone who is not afraid to touch me even when i am mad. Really mad.
I want someone who knows exactly what he is doing, so surely, that he doesn't lose his direction to walk with me.
I want someone who understands the meaning behind my words.
I want someone who sings me lullaby every night and makes me smile, then closes my day by saying "goodnight, gorgeous. You are loved"
I want someone, who can show me, no, who loves me, with all his might with everything he does.
I don't have to question it.
I don't have to struggle with disbelieve or doubts.
I want someone who is, by just holding my hands, can tell his feelings.
I want someone who always wants me, without me saying it out loud.
I want someone who won't make me feel unwanted, not once.
I want someone who knows he is different and makes me feel it.
I want someone who stays awake just to see me, just to look at me, just to adore me, just to make me feel comfortable, at all cost.

But is it even possible?
Am i asking too much?
What if i just ask for love. No, ask for someone who makes me feel loved?
Is it possible then?

Do you, ever?

Do you ever wonder, how sometimes you wish there is such thing called phase one of love exists forever?

Phase one is where everything is beautiful and happy, where all goodness belongs, and there is no tear to be shed.

No arguments.

No fights.

No shouting at each other.

No headaches.

Nothing.

Some say that love takes its better state when two get into argument and solve things out. But really, is it necessary?

When all of those silly arguments happen, exactly at the time where everything is so comfortable, when two are in the most comfortable state.

What i see in my perspective is that comfort zone is such a big bullshit.

It's just a gate to something called "taking for granted".

It's just reason created to say that "hey now that i am fairly sure you'd stay and i am so damn comfortable with you, now i can take you for granted, now i can do things i have been struggled to resist lately" in other word, it's just reason for people to change but not be able to admit that they're changed and it's time when all goodness comes to an end.

That's why there is a saying: all good times come to an end.

But can we really have, create a relationship that stays in phase pne until forever?

I doubt it though.

Phase one.

Is those times when we begin as strangers, getting to know each other. No, we want to know each other so much that we listen to every single detail, and magically everything sticks to the mind. (What an amazing human brain ability)

Is those times, when everything the other person does is amazing, cute, adorable, magically beautiful, and so on. Whatever it is, pretty in the eyes and thought. Which, later on suddenly disappear or even there is a probability of getting high and dry.

Is those times when arguments seem so far far away, like almost unreachable (no, it really is deceiving) 

Is those times when you stay up late, really late just to hear their voices.

Just to understand even more, just to bear with it, just to embrace all happiness just by doing so.

Crazy until morning telephone calls, laughing all night long, giggling, amazed, wondering how lovable that person is.

Which one day will all be disappeared. As if that thing never exists in the first place.

Is those times when every text message is like letter from heaven. Can easily be enlightening a super tough shitty day.

Is those times when everything is being done just to see their faces, just to meet them, just to be with them. 

It's like you're being zombie; you don't feel sleepiness, don't feel sickness, don't feel fatigue, don't need sleep, eat, or even tired means nothing at all. It's like everyday is the last day of getting a chance to see them.

Make a very good use of each day!

Which one day will definitely become boredom, routine, and just a compulsory needs. (Yeah... Tiring. I know)

Is those times when every love songs mean everything, mean a lot, and mean the world of our own. You don't even need a radio, those love songs rewinding continuously in your head. (An amazing brain ability, once again)

Is those times when hugging is addicting.

Is those times when all sweet words dancing around.

Is those times when you don't remember that there are millions of other people exist. World belongs to both of you.

Is those times when there is no ego or selfishness. As if both of you are saints. Pure and need no earthy needs. What an angel!

Is those times when waiting is the hardest thing to do, oh yeah you hate ticking clock! It only reminds you of how long you really have to wait until the next time you get to see the other person. Oh yes, i know how devastating it could be. Ad how awful it makes you.

Is those times when "i love you" is the best 3 words in the world. It's like alien language that you become amazed whenever you hear or say it. You can't stop smiling about it.

Is those times when there is only BOTH OF US.

Ever wondered where did all of those goodness go?

Is there a really bad monster that eats all of those goodness?

And when you try to recreate it, you wonder why it doesn't feel the same, why doesn't it feel right?

Because the two of you are no longer the same persons you used to be.

And you begin to hate the changes.

You begin to think, where is this person i loved the most?

Why do you stop trying?

Wondering do you still love me?

Wondering is the love getting lesser?

Is there such thing as losing the feeling you used to have?

I mean is it possible?

Is it true that love can disappear slowly, or is it never really that strong in the beginning?

Is everything you felt in phase one merely illusions?

Is everything ever coming back?

Will you ever feel those goodness again?

Love never is complicated. People are.

Love is something beyond the grasp of my heart ability.

As someone always says that "love is something I'll never understand" 
Frankly it gets me thinking right now how it affects me so much 
Not in a bad way --it kept me wondering what is it that caused such statement exists?  

To be honest I am not that clever when it comes to love 
I always am dumbfounded. 
I don't really know much Im not an expert, far from it  
But I've been learning couple of lessons recently 
I learned that:
 1. Shit happens anytime, anywhere, from or with anyone. You just can't avoid it. But at least what you can do is to change your attitude. But then, it never gets any easier. Not, when it happens in between your great mood.  

2. Not everybody. I repeat, NOT EVERYBODY understands you. Seriously, even your closest people, Or shall I say friend(s) can easily misunderstand you. Or even I might say, don't the hell care about your feeling. Once At a time, occasionally happens: the closest people are ones who hurt you the most. Without they even realizing it. Thus, understanding yourself is the biggest reward you can give to yourself.  

3. You can never understand the art of giving when you never take anything from anybody. What I meant here is that how can you give something, anything, everything, when you never learn how to take it from somebody or other people? It's not about being selfish or self-centered, it is about the idea of appreciating what people have to sacrifice in order for you to grasp that that has to be mutual.  

4. You hurt others as much as they hurt you. It's not how you let people hurt you, it's bascically how you perceive what people do. To let or not to let is another level of understanding, in which I don't really see as something pivotal when you really care after someone, even their intention is not hurting you by all means, when you perceive it as a threat, it is. A different story when you don't the hell care about someone, seriously would you see their threat as something that even slit your most surface skin? I don't think so, you'd be safe and sound in your own skin. You see, eye for an eye.  

5. don't get involved in any chain reaction. Nah! I'm kidding. There is no way you can't get involved in any chain reaction relationship when you are connected to A B C D E F G, you name it. You know A in which he/she has issue with D And so on. As long as you're in e circle, there is no way you would stay out of the line. Even if you are, I don't think you don't get any impact, pretty much it gets on your nerve occasionally.  

6. People never change. Even if they do, I don't think it's something within your perimeter. I mean, so much you want someone to change according what you ink it's what best suits them, you'll eventually die in vain. People don't change, they just becoming alien. Like fairy tale, change doesn't exist. Not in human dictionary. I am not being pessimist, it's just the way human nature is.  

7. As much as you want to get what you want, as much as you can't. Love involves minimum of two something connected to each other. Which means, you can synchronize two different brains, hearts, ANYTHING into one. You can merely sync them together, but not with emerging.  

 I am not pretty sure that love is all to blame, i always believe, blame the people, not the game. 

Thus, if love is the game, whom should we blame after?  

Indeed.  

If I have to rephrase it, my own statement would be:  
People, are bunch of individuals I will never understand.  

Because initially love is so simple that it embodies the idea of ABSOLUTE.  
What makes it complicated (according to our human brain) is actually ourselves. 
When we choose to embody the love itself, it is when we, are ones who complicate it. 

In addition of involving two, TWO individuals together.  
You see my point?  

DOUBLE COMPLICATION = absolute madness!  

Love losts its meaning 
Love losts its authenticity 
Love losts its idea 
Love losts people  

Therefore, it comes to certain point that people manipulates love.

HUMAN BE(ing).

human being is a complex living creature that when we think of it, our own characteristics can be defined in MILLION ways. You name it: biology, psychology, anthropology, history, linguistic, culture, etc.

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.” --Sigmund Freud

even Kahlil Gibran mentioned:

"The eye of a human being is a microscope, which makes the world seem bigger than it really is."  

--Khalil Gibran

 have you ever wondered how AMAZING we are, as a being, keep searching about what we really are?

There's a reason why people are busy defining others.
The same reason why people judge others.
The same reason why there is such thing called, GETTING-TO-KNOW-EACH-OTHER

(yes, you know where this is going)

The same reason why people are so nosy
The same reason why people need others

That leads to the reason why people love each other.

Think about it.

Why do we bother to find similarities, or differences, between two different gender individuals?
If it is not to define who we really are, ourselves.
We need other people to define who we are.
We need others to make ourselves see what we are.
What kind of person, am I.

According to Biology, Human beings are animals.


According to Psychology: Unlike physical objects and animals, human beings are self-conscious and can,
therefore, subject themselves to their own study. 

human being

n

a member of any of the races of Homo sapiens; person; man, woman, or child

And plenty more.
I am going to focus on culture and social interpretation.
Simply, life surroundings.

I recall one of my friend's friend told her that we (me and my friend) are the kind of girls who are beyond average level.
He defines that we are the type of people who don't bother about how much money we spend, how we perceive anything in life as easy breezy, that we don't understand the idea of "struggling" or "surviving" because everything is served right in front of our eyes.
In addition to that, he just met me and barely talked (aside from introducing myself and himself), and I just sit in front of him, talked to my friend for less than an hour.

See my point?
I am judged by other people in less than one hour, simply by observing the content of conversation I had with my friend, in which at that time, not knowing the probability whether I was bluffing or talking the real thing.

Simply from that, I know, that every second counts.
We, human beings, prone to judge others by a second of looking/hearing/smelling.
Human perceiving power is kinda scary, to say.

Another example:
I once asked my bestfriend, "what kind of person am I?"
We have been friends for like YEARS.
Her answer was simply based on how I treat her, the way I talk, the way I tell story, and how she sees me as a person, subjectively.
Without deriving the facts objectively.
Her answer was not wrong, at all.
But was not correct, in a way that she only says things she have been observing throughout the years, based on how I act when I am with her or things I do in my life.

See, how subjective human beings are?

In our everyday life we behave in different ways and use the term 'behaviour' to refer to the verbal and physiological responses and actions

Most of human beings see, perceive, think of other people as what they interpret.

While studying human behaviour we need to remember the following:

(i) Changes are observed in individuals due to maturation, learning and ageing.

(ii) Human behaviour at any moment is a joint function of the personal

characteristics and the properties of environment.

(iii) The measurement of psychological attributes (e.g., personality, intelligence,

interest, attitude) is usually indirect and based on inferences.

(iv) Many aspects of social behaviour are rule-governed and culture specific.

(v) Human behaviour is usually determined by multiple causes

However, as it is mentioned above, there are several points that need to be taken when it comes to observing a human being.
But mostly what people do is merely based on
1. what we are wearing
2. what we are talking
3. what we are driving
4. what we are doing for living (job, salary, title)
5. what we do on social media

Honestly speaking, do we really ever ask someone "What do you know about yourself?"
when we are casually talking, or when we get to know each other?
It is barely happening.
But I guess mostly people will answer "You tell me"
Because it is HARD to define who we really are.
It is DIFFICULT to describe what kind of person we are.
Without prior self-observation.
Without asking others "What kind of person do you think I am?"
Because once again, we are subjectively, unconscious or consciously thinking, perceiving one self as what we interpret.
Thus, it is hard to define ourselves without trying to avoid the tendencies that we say simplest thing about ourselves.

(See my point? That an individual is even hardly know him/herself)

Usually when people ask someone that question, "What do you know about yourself?"
Or I shall rephrase it, when I ask someone that question, most answers I get:
1. They ask it back
2. "I am who I am"
3. "I am me" (right, reminds me of ris low)
4. I am kind, blablablabla (standard adjectives)
5. I don't know

And mostly I find that it takes several minutes of pause after the question is given.

Maybe it's time to think about it from now on.
Who do you think you are according to yourself?
I mean, who else knows yourself better but you?
And once you know and understand who/what you are, take a leap of faith.
Stand on your feet (:

I challenge myself:
I am going to sit frequently somewhere in public area, and I am going to observe particular people that seem interesting to me, I am going to make sketch(es) and do my own interpretation about those people. ;)


source:
http://public.wsu.edu/~taflinge/biology.html
http://www.nios.ac.in/srsec328newE/328EL1.pdf